For Exes of the “Quiet” or “High-Functioning” Borderline

[HadleyBird]

Hi all,

I am a little over 3 months post breakup with my ex. If you would have asked me 1 day before our breakup if I thought we were going to be together forever, I would have said, "I'd marry her tomorrow." I knew she had BPD, she was up front about it – she went to therapy, took several medications, ate well, exercised, prioritized sleep – she worked hard to manage her symptoms. Outside of snippy comments now and again, we had a wonderful, communicative, loving, fulfilling relationship. Quiet / high functioning borderline symptoms can come out of nowhere.

We had recently moved in together, were planning to be married in a few years, had just talked about joining finances, were investing time in each other's families. Life was good, the relationship was SO good. We didn't have giant arguments, our values and goals aligned. We complimented each other in many ways.

In the days/weeks before the triggering event, there was no lack of affection, no lack of reassurance and talk of the future, no lack of "I love you's" spoken.

After a big, unexpected stressor at work when she thought she was going to be fired, something changed. It seemed like someone else had taken over her body & mind. I would expect anyone to be stressed after a life event like that – naturally! But for days she was someone I had never seen before, unrecognizable. The day after the trigger, she was cold, distant, dissociated, she couldn't look at me, she flinched if I touched her arm or hand. She told me she needed to take some time to figure out if she still wanted to be with me. When I tried to ask her questions, she mostly responded with "I don't know," or "I'm not sure – I can't talk about this right now."

A few days later she texted me while I was at work to let me know she wanted to break up. She said she loved me so much, that's never been a question, but she just can't see a future. I called her immediately, and pleaded with her to tell me why & what happened. She first tried to blame it on a small lie about my weight that I had told 3 months prior – "When I was looked at your health app, I could see your weight – and you told me it was less than that beforehand. You lied to me. And in that moment, I knew you didn't trust me. And I knew I could never trust that you wouldn't lie to me again." I was shocked – I couldn't understand why she never told me she was hurt by that one lie I told about being 15lbs lighter when she knew I felt shame about my weight. She made my shame about her. She said she had built up so much resentment, she couldn't see a way forward. Eventually she said it's more than the one lie. It was also about how when she was in that stress at work, she got a feeling that she didn't want to talk about it with me or process it with me...she didn't want me in that big stressor with her. "I should always want my partner to go through hard things with me. So when I got that feeling, I knew we weren't compatible anymore. I knew this wasn't right." ...Then she said she needs a partner that has more of an ability to match her level of passion when she gets angry with me – when she is snippy towards to me, she needs someone who will match same level of intensity. She said I was a kind & gracious person, and she appreciated that about me so much, and she loves that about me. But that doesn't work for her in a partnership. She needs someone to have some fighting spirit. ...and so on...

I tried to talk to her about all of these things concerns she had – I begged for explanations and tried to understand, tried to ask clarifying questions. The more we talked, the more cyclical the conversations became, and the more contradictions she'd use. For example – she knew I told that lie, but her therapist told her that she was making a big deal out of something that wasn't about her – something that was my shame & my mess to deal with. Her therapist advised her to let it go & let me handle it. So she never brought it up to me – but she didn't let it go either, and it grew into a strong resentment. In the next sentence, she said that this small blip wasn't something that was a deal breaker – because our relationship was SO GOOD, we were so close and had such good communication. She could easily overlook something like that.

She said, "I know why this feels so sudden to you, to my family, to our friends. Because it is sudden. Our relationship was SO GOOD – there was so much good between us, so much happiness. Until there wasn't. Until I got that feeling. Now I just can't see a future. It was sudden, but it wasn't impulsive."

The contradictions were too convoluted to try to make sense out of.

During the time of the possibly-getting-fired-scare, she distanced herself from me, her closest friends, and her family. Her 3 best friends felt "iced out," and her family (who she normally talks to several times a week) felt in the dark. She would keep everyone in the loop with email updates about the work stressor, but didn't talk to anyone about the work stuff or the breakup. She said, "It's no one's business - mine only."

Her family & friends would reach out to me and ask me what was going on – but I didn't have much to tell them because I was pushed away also. They expressed worry & concern because her behavior shifted so dramatically, and no one understood why she chose to end our relationship in the middle of this stressful time. They were concerned that she seemed to be isolating, wasn't communicating many details, and at times seemed oddly fine given the circumstances. My ex got mad at me when I mentioned to her that the people closest to her were concerned about her. I told her I was worried because of her stress, her job, and her mental health – overall worried. And that it was normal for the people closest to her to be somewhat concerned when they notice a change in behavior, or they know she's going through hard things.

She eventually asked me to not talk to her mom, dad, and sisters about our relationship, our conversations, or about the breakup. She said that her family is on my side, and it's not fair – that she needs them to believe her, not me. She needs them to let this go & be on her team, even if they don't understand.

I have mostly been dealing with feeling confused. Blindsided. Hurt. There has been little to no closure or explanation. The intense grief that comes with this kind of sudden abandonment is hard to put words to.

I stumbled upon this a from Andy1805 that was posted in 2013. I resonated with it immensely & found it helpful. Here are some of the most helpful pieces (minus some of the more problematic language):

All of that being said, I just want to say a few things directly to those who are suffering from the shocking immediate loss of an important significant other because of "quiet borderline" behavior and abandonment:

1)   It is not your fault your partner left suddenly. The reasons, if you get any, will be petty, confusing, and never previously discussed as if you were able to read minds.

2)   Get help for yourself. My experience utterly devastated me, and far better men than me have been institutionalized because of this behavior. Thank God for my family, friends and my therapist. Lean on them. There is no shame in asking for help. You will need it.

3)   Be realistic. You are not an equipped professional. You cannot help if someone doesn't want your help. There's a good chance you will expose yourself to more toxicity. Minimize or cut communication no matter how difficult it may be.

4)   Self soothing with alcohol and/or drugs and/or food will not help. Resist this temptation.

5) Take care of your mind by sleeping & going to therapy. Take care of your body by eating well & exercising. Take care of your soul by connecting with family, friends, nature. Be vulnerable.

6)   Don't try to rationalize the irrational. You know yourself; trust your intuition. Most things you say or do will not be met with full understanding.

7)   This is not about you. This is how this person is in some or many of their dealings. It is part of the disorder.

8)   Inform yourself. You will find that many people just like you have experienced this, and shocking similarities in behavior and verbiage will emerge. It is OK to read about the subject. Don't dive in too deep - at some point you have to give yourself a break.

9)   Prepare your heart for the possibility of your ex moving on to a new relationship quickly. It's not about you.

10)   Be wary of blame shifting. Don't allow the blame to be shifted onto you to make you feel as though you are the one who caused this sudden ending. Be vigilant against this.

11)    Learn, grow, heal, move on. I know this person has been a huge part of your life. I know that you can't imagine how they could have hurt you this way. I know that everything seemed absolutely perfect. I know you envisioned a future. I know that you had never loved anything or anyone like you loved this person. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. Move on. Life is beautiful and grand. There are literally millions of caring, loving, and generous people out there just waiting to meet someone like you. Really. I promise.

[square]

Welcome. That does sound like a lot to work through, and baffling for those of us who do not have a personality disordered mind.

She may contact you again and try to get you back at some point. She may not. If she does, it's good to have already thought about what your position will be, whatever it may be. Recognize that any such overture from her will fill you with a lot of emotion - your heart will want to heal the rift regardless of what your mind (or gut) thinks.

She does seem to have a great deal of insight into herself. But insight is not enough to overcome disorder.

My best friend had BPD and I know how lovely it can be to be close to someone with such emotions. They can be so interesting, loving, vulnerable, and also insightful to us.

[HadleyBird]

You're right. I experienced all of those things...I know I'll miss her dearly.

[falsebalance2]

Hadleybird - I recommend reading


Margalis Fjelstad
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life.

(audio book too!)


I recommend because of a pattern in my father and myself (both caretakers)

My father was dumped just like this and it devestated him. And then after he got himself put back together - he met my mother who was worse but love bombed and hid it well. She knew he was about to leave her so she got pregnant with me and has hated me my whole life.

Well....These things keep going until someone faces it and comes Out of the FOG....

I had the same pattern.

Whatever my stbx is - he is covert and malignant and I feel I married my mother. But he wasn't my first PD.

I would suggest you read that book so you can get to know yourself and see if there are any changes you would like to make before you meet the next special person in your life.

The fact that you were willing to love her despite her limitations is very admirable and sweet. It is no wonder her family will want you to stick around. And this may be a perceived upstaging in her mind - she may have been jealous her family loved you.

I'm sorry you've had this experience - it hurts. You're in the right place!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm sorry for what you're going through.  It sounds heartbreaking.

Yes, i relate.  I wouldn't quite call my ex a quiet BPD.  More Jekyll & Hyde, with the Jekyll part being irresistibly wonderful, loving and engaging.  But Jekyll was always eventually followed by Hyde when I was suddenly painted black and he almost couldn't get away fast enough for reasons that never made sense.  There was a second home, so he'd break it off and go there. He would get mean and vindictive.   Then he'd split the other way and "see the light" that I was really wonderful and he'd been wrong and now he understood we should always be together.  Followed by . . .  Wash, rinse, repeat.   We worked on it in couple's counseling, including the splitting and all.    But there was nothing for it when Mr Hyde arrived.  I would be demonized and left.

Eventually all hope that this cycle might be overcome was gone.  Plus as years went on there was more and more Hyde and less Jekyll.  I finally had to put an end to it.  Then some months later I needed to go NC and it's been that way for 2 1/2 yrs now.  I still miss Dr. Jekyll, though that has lessened.  And I'm out of the craziness now -- which, hopefully, you won't have to go through at all.

Best of luck to you . . . and to all of us!!!

[Hazy111]

I found Shari Schreiber very good on Borderlines.