Really really BAD advice about Narc in-laws

[sunshine702]

This is an article from a Therapist in Psychology Today that clearly does not get it (Narc abuse). Telling people to just shut up and take it for the goodies.  Sometime I think it is important to reflect on really bad advice To understand good advice.

These couples were trying to set boundaries for the family unit only to have a therapist say that "asking that the in-laws not drop by unannounced / that they call the children at a better time for the family and they they give gifts only at gift times. That is turning InLaws into Outlaws?! ! What the.... Um no dude that sounds healthy.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/magnetic-partners/201707/its-not-all-your-mother-in-laws-fault

[Catothecat]

I think the therapist was trying to make the point that we should understand our reactions to our in-laws, and we should try to understand why they do what they do, and the first part of the article is good at addressing this.  But the second part is so off-kilter and makes so little sense it negates what he's trying to say.  Because there's nothing about the second example that makes the in-laws seem reasonable and the DIL the one with the issue.  Would he tolerate such behavior is his own home?  I doubt it.  But it's as if he wants to make his point regardless and has become blind to what he's just written.

The in-laws behave badly and the DIL is blamed for trying to effectively deal with the bad behavior?  This almost veers into gaslighting territory.

[sunshine702]

Yeah I first read the article going — right you shouldn't just assume that your in-laws are a bad because of the role.  That makes sense.

But this is the sort of stuff written by therapists that refuse to understand Personality Disorder Abuse!  And that there are real reasons people go No Contact for their relationship and for their kids. 

[Catothecat]

This also illustrates how some therapists are just plain bad therapists!  A good reminder that if your therapists says some sketchy things, pay attention.  They're not perfect and they don't always know the answers.  However, they can be so egotistical as to not admit they don't know something, or so narcissistic as to think they know everything, that the therapy serves little purpose other than to further confuse you, keep you coming back, and take your money.

Backstory--I went to my first therapist after my divorce from a NPD (and a narc MIL, who took it all very very personally) and not once, seriously--not once, did my therapist address any of my exh's PD behavior.  He focused solely on me and my relationship with my father.  Anything about my ex and what was going on in that marriage was ignored because, according to the therapist, I was just deflecting attention away from my "real issues."  What I now realize is that he probably knew little about PDs (this was several decades ago) or wasn't interested in PD behavior.  So he worked with what he knew.  Didn't help me much but I guess it stroked his ego.