A chance to look back on things

[musttryharder]

First post explaining my situation here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=78222.0

The last few weeks have given me cause for some serious introspection (mostly death and illness among family and friends) and I forwarded some email exchanges to a trusted source (threats of divorce, suicide over the last year). I hadn't looked at them since first receiving them, but found myself reading through everything. I had replied to the divorce threat in a very calm but conciliatory way, being honest that things didn't feel right and taking on possible blame, but also explaining that I was deeply unhappy and bored with other aspects of my life. I had told her the same thing months ago (with zero response), and got the same reaction with my email.

Hindsight is 20/20, and armed with a better understanding of narcissistic abuse I can see what was happening. If she genuinely cared, she would have at least responded and cared enough to try to work on things or start a discussion like normal people. The fact that I got zero response yet again tells me that the purpose of the email threat was not to solve the problem, but to keep me in line.

This weekend I noticed a couple of subtle incidents. There was a small gathering that, to cut a long story short, she make me think I wasn't invited to. I didn't dig out the truth until she had gone and I teased the truth out the next day. I might not have gone anyway, but being lied to just pisses me off. I've read a lot of abusers like to turn others against the victim, and I wouldn't be surprised if that was happening. I don't care about that, but the lying never fails to irk me. I also had another example of gaslighting (I think I'm using the term properly). I woke up early to hear the dog whining to go outside. He's primarily her dog, so it's agreed that she takes him out in the mornings. I tell her, but she gets up and comes back to tell me that he isn't whining. I have to tell her that I heard what I heard and what she does about it is up to her. Of course it turns out the poor guy really need a bathroom break, which he got, but why pick a fight about something so stupid. I take it as a fundamental sign of disrespect at this point. She's either just picking fights, messing with my head, or genuinely believes I don't know what I hear, smell, think etc. There's no innocent answer to that one.

I'm glad I have those emails, and I'm glad I was told to write down the incidents that happen. It becomes clearer every day. It's not possible to undo the things I've learned, and I can't avoid feeling betrayed and insulted and yes, abused. I can never go back to the way things used to be.

[1footouttadefog]

As long as an abuser thinks we are still unenlightened, they think they can snap their fingers and have us back any time. 

They can devalue us then toss crumbs enough out way.  Often this cycle repeats for years or even decades......

Until we with knowledge with open eyes, and open ears, see the truth and accept that abuse is abuse because the there is abusive and not because we lack etc.

Yep, you can never go back.    You may or may not be able to come to a workable arrangment based on the now evident reality, or not, but you will never go back as before.

[musttryharder]

Most of the time, I feel better about my part in this mess now that I understand things and I can see that there's no other explanation for the various incidents - especially when looked at as a whole.
I could go on as I am, but to be honest I think I owe it to myself to strive for a normal, loving relationship. Life is far too short to be miserable for the sake of comfort and/or consistency.

[KFel024]

Dear musttryharder,

It sounds like you have figured things out for what they are.  It will be extremely difficult to have a normal, loving relationship with a narcissistic partner.  You will almost always have the short end of the stick (minus the love bombing phases). 

If you feel like there is enough to hold onto and potentially develop/grow, then I recommend you and your partner try therapy with someone that specializes in treating people with npd (couple's and separate).  Regardless, it will likely be an uphill battle.  It is hard for one to change their core character as an adult. 

Educating oneself on the condition is important and can help to improve the relationship situation.  However, from my perspective, it surmounts to winning battles only.  The war will likely be lifelong and against insurmountable odds.

Like you mentioned, life is too short to be miserable in a relationship with an unpredictable partner.  Even if you do sense change, at what cost does it come at and how sustainable do you think it can be long-term?                       

[musttryharder]

KFel024  - thank you for your reply. I'm continually shocked by the high standard I see in everyone's replies.

At the moment, I feel that I need to respect myself, and by staying in this situation I am not able to do that. I can't give love to someone who hurts me. I can't trust her with my thoughts and feelings. She continues to surprise me with new acts and incidents that look very much like abuse. She has always hated therapists (her parents once made her go) and denied that she's done anything wrong on the few occasions that I've confronted her.

At what cost - this phrase stood out to me. I'm in good physical shape (I need something to do since I'm alone most of the time, like a prison inmate), but I know that chronic stress is taking a toll. I've been in crisis over how I should react for over a year, pondering the same questions every day. Something has to give.

[stardawn192]

I'm sorry you're going through this, especially after over a decade of marriage and feeling like you know and trust this person. It is good that you're educating yourself with things about her possible personality disorder, and seeing that you deserve to be happy and not miserable.

You also know that a relationship with someone with NPD will be a very surface leveled one if you choose to continue it. Conversations will have to be less articulate ones and more simple things like "the weather is nice" since that won't produce much of an argument between you and them. You've probably heard of Dr. Ramani Durvasla, who is a therapist and researcher that specializes in individuals with NPD and in countless of interviews that have asked her if people with NPD could change, she said the likelihood is VERY low and the individual will have to WANT to change, immensely. Look her up on youtube, you can find some of her interviews on there, talking more in-depth about the personality disorders. Them lying is part of getting what they need, which is your compassion, attention, and empathy, everything that the lack the ability to have. My ex (who has BPD) told me that they hate liars, but lied to me a number of times when trying to get me to sleep with them after I first left. They would tell me they loved and cared about me, which wasn't true and I could see right through it. In their "defense" (as much as I want to defend them), this is part of the disorders. They have no choice but to wear a false mask to protect themselves. Their low/non-existent empathy makes it easy for them to brush us off and continue on with their lives like nothing happened.

For your own happiness and self-care, which I think should be your BIGGEST concern, you should get out as soon as possible. The divorce will be hard, however, you DO NOT deserve to be treated this way, no one does. And it's crazy that your wife has waited so long to start the devaluation phase. If you stay, the stress and anxiety of walking on eggshells will kill you and she will suck the life from you. Good luck, I hope you can find everything out of life that you've been looking for.

[musttryharder]

Stardawn - thank you! Things are operating at a very superficial level right now, as you mentioned. As much as I dislike meaningless small talk, it breaks the silence.

Regarding how long this took to surface, I think I missed a lot of little things over the years, and I think I was useful in solving her problems. Fellow member Ravenlady pointed out the fact that the power dynamic changed in recent years, so she eventually felt emboldened enough to switch to full on narc.

I'm not interested in just surviving or "making do". As much as I'm terrified of leaving and starting over, I'd eventually hate myself for not pulling myself out of this hole. I suppose I'm lucky because I don't feel in love with my abuser, which seems to be common. Perhaps she sees that and uses more abusive behavior to try to bring me back into line, but instead it gives me a little more determination to leave. It's coming, very soon. Again, as you said, the constant stress is killing me.