What is this

[20yrsofcrazy]

Unpdh was gone for four nights for some job training.  A job that he is consistently trying to get fired from.  More on that later...

When he gets home, I am gone so when I get home, he is sleeping.  No conversation.  I don't initiate or really care to talk so that's fine.  The next morning while he is getting ready for work, he tells me (braggingly?) that the people in the hotel were so INCONSIDERATE, slamming doors at all hours, etc.  I had asked him if he wanted to bring a fan for white noise so he could sleep better but he, of course declined.  So, he tells me how he proceeded to open his door and berate people for slamming doors, etc.  The person above him came in late one night and apparently made too much noise so he went up the elevator to make sure he had the right room number and then waited for that person to settle down to sleep (presumably) and then called his room and hung up, waited 15-20 minutes and did it again.  And then laughed about how frustrated the person seemed to be, banging the phone down, etc. 

What kind of person does that?  I understand that a hotel is  not an ideal place to get rest, but that kind of retaliation? combativeness?   To me, it is not "normal" behavior. 

Then he proceeds to just blast me about how there is no common courtesy or consideration for other people in this world anymore.  Was he being considerate?  showing common courtesy?  I don't think so but he can't see that, I guess.  I just gray rock and don't comment one way or the other. 

Also, going through pics for my child's upcoming graduation party display.  I show one to him and say, "remember this little girl?"  Just reminiscing.  He says, "Yes, back when she was sweet and not snobby like she is now?" 

I want to say:  she wouldn't be that way if you weren't the way you are, but at least she's not an adult yet and has time to grow and change and evolve.   

He then comes back home after going to work after 5 days gone.  He gripes and complains about the shape of the shop, how the guys used stuff and didn't put it away, or used equipment they aren't supposed to use. He swept off his workbench (nuts, bolts, etc, that someone else had used while he was gone) onto the floor in a flourish because its his workbench and he needed it.  He wasn't going to clean up after anybody else.  He also chucked other stuff across the shop and placed buckets that were in his way in front of somebody's locker.  He also keeps "poking the bear" by insulting and calling out his boss for not acting like a boss and letting all sorts of stuff slide.   I feel like he is "trying" to get fired.  He wants to quit but I keep just gray rocking and trying not to overreact.  He has done this with every job he's ever had, although he ends up working at them for several years.  We have health ins and benefits through his job.  I work, too, but not with those kind of benefits. 

Anyway, I feel like he is acting out at work because anything he does at home, I do not react to unless it is way out of line. 

Things have been pretty calm until this more recent activity about his job and making comments about our dd18.  Sometimes he says the comments within her hearing as well.   

I don't know why I'm writing this, just kind of journaling it, I guess. 

I have a friend going through a divorce right now.  Can't help but feel a little jealous.  Can't seem to get myself to that point, just yet.  Holding it together at least through dd18 graduation in May. 

[notrightinthehead]

20years, you have no idea how much I understand your post. It seems you have found some calm and peace in your heart and can now watch his behaviour with distance and puzzlement. Keep on journaling in case you ever need a reminder. You are on a good path, medium chilling and grey rocking. You also seem to have reached the point where you no longer feel ashamed for his behaviour. After years of MC and grey rock my NPDh actually went off and found himself another supply because I had become so useless to him. Good luck and lots of strength to you!

[20yrsofcrazy]

Thank you, notright.

Yes, I have tried and somewhat succeeded at distancing myself from his behavior.   I used to be very codependent and try to fix and make better or anticipate and make the path smooth, etc.  I don't do that anymore.

I am particularly zoned in on the hotel behavior because we are supposed to stay in a hotel as a family for 3 nights this summer for an event.   I have previously promised myself I would not put myself or my kids through this with him again.   (This is a yearly event for us)  My boundary is that he will not go with us.   However,  i hesitate to voice this to him as I know he will try to badger me out of this decision.

I casually mentioned to my DD18 that I was going to suggest my H/her dad to stay home for this event.  She was supportive of this idea saying it is so stressful when he goes.   

I pray for clarity often and I feel like this latest behavior may help me solidify my position.   It is, however,  a whole another hurdle to voice this to him - that we want to go without him.   I literally feel like there's a vice on my throat when I need to say difficult things to him. 

[notrightinthehead]

That is the fear part of FOG, and most probably do you have reason to fear his reaction. I gave such announcement at the very last possible moment. And tried very hard not to JADE justify, argue, defend, explain. Just state - we will go there without you.

[Rose1]

It's not normal. The raging and inconsiderate behaviour at the hotel is mind boggling but seems to be tied into their sense of entitlement. Exbpdh bragged about how his neighbour used to smoke outside and wouldn't stop near his window. So close the window? No of course not. Turn the music up to 11 at all hours. Very pleased with himself. Couldn't see that this only made things worse. One day he'll pick the wrong person to do this to, although so far he hasn't. Must have a sixth sense. He thinks he's very tough and hard on people but honestly he couldn't handle himself if it ever came to it. He'd be still talking about it as he hit the floor.

That should give you an idea what 3 days in a hotel room will be like. oh joy. Once the ex started down this track it was like he had crossed a boundary of decent behaviour and the next time was easier, until it became a habit. I agree, there's no way I would tell him he wasn't welcome as he would certainly insist once you did..
Why not just make plans for you and the girls? Book the hotel room you'd like. He knows the dates and I bet you he won't say a word until it's almost time to leave. Not make any plans, not discuss them, just assume he is going to sit in the car on the day and have everything laid on with a nice hotel room of abuse potential guests. Well that's how ex used to work anyway and they sound similar.
Consider leaving a couple of days early, say on a work day for him and just go. Don't tell your girls either. Just go. Have a wonderful time. Smile at people at breakfast instead of cringing and wondering who got a mouthful the night before.
When he complains its simply "oh did you want to come? You never said anything and didn't seem to enjoy yourself last year, and quite frankly spoiled it for us so we were quite happy to go on our own. You could always have made separate arrangements and met us there".

Would that work? I would have got fallout when I got back but deal with that when or if it happens. It might be silent treatment.

Hope the graduation goes well.

[20yrsofcrazy]

Thank you, not right!
I am trying to bolster my courage to stay strong when the time comes.   

Thank you, Rose!

I always value your sage advice. 

Yes, its basically "mums the word" about the trip unless someone else brings it up.  I would love to be able to sit down and have an honest conversation with him but just as soon as I bring up the discomfort, i.e., stress he causes all of us, he plays sincerely ignorant or innocent of all "crimes" except to say someone (me) or something else (the universe in general) made him act that way. 

Overall, he has been much calmer, cooperative only being passive-aggressive  about how he "doesn't get a say" or he's the bottom of the totem pole, essentially. 

He has gotten very good at being humble and kind around others when the family is with him.   But behind our hotel door, he will slip up.  Or especially in the car driving down there (3 hrs) or while driving around town for dinner,  etc.

Its crazy that while he was gone on this business trip, I was enjoying the peace and even started to slightly miss him.   Then,  BAM, the first thing he really says to me is all this drama about being in the hotel.   It just boggles my mind.   Its like getting the rug pulled out from under you but its happened so often that it feels "right.   

[Rose1]

Ah yes. The feeling of having the rug pulled out from under us. Then you wake up one day and realise there never was a rug. It was all you doing the work and holding things together.
It's all very well to complain but a normal family would sit down and make plans for a trip in advance, and express preferences, maybe even a plan on how to pay for it.  Not wait till the last minute and complain it's not to his liking.