Sounds awful, but will he ever just die?

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I hesitated to post this because I cannot find any way to say it without coming across as a terrible person. I have no empathy left for either of my parents. I just want it all to be over.
   
My parents are in their mid-80's. Mom with moderate dementia and dad starting to show similar signs. I believe both are narcissists with mom as the lead and dad her enabler. It was clear for some time that intervention was needed to get them to assisted living. I never wanted to be the one to "save" them though. I figured I would let them just go on with their life and let their own karma come around. Their living conditions degraded severely. I visit them once a month and noticed they were no longer safe at home. I could have just let them go and assume eventually a third party would step in. However, instead I reluctantly researched an assisted living close to their house. At the same time, my estranged sister began texting me that she wanted to also get them to assisted living and wanted to ensure I was agreeable. Also reluctantly, I engaged in conversation with her about plans for our parents. I have been NC with her for nearly seven years. 

It has been overwhelming. I am navigating a delicate balance of VLC with parents while planning to move them to assisted living. My sister agreed to the place I previously researched and took them on a tour and got them to sign the needed paperwork. She actually did some work. Parents are now scheduled to move in next week.

I am trying my level best to have boundaries while in contact. In any conversation with parents or sibling, I keep the topic only on the current task at hand and nothing personal. I do not express any emotion, opinion, or share any details of my personal life or re-hash any past wrong-doings. So far, it is effective and conversations are short. I am treating this as though it is a project at work and focus on the tactical aspects only.

What brings me to write this post however is that my dad had a doctor appointment for his COPD last week. He has not maintained his car and probably should not even be driving, so I offered to take him to the appointment. The doctor called me the day after and said dad's test results indicated congestive heart failure and I should take him to ER immediately. So, I did. He was admitted and is still there. While at the hospital he was diagnosed not only with heart failure, but showed signs of having had a recent heart attack, A-Fib, was vomiting blood and also tested positive for covid pneumonia. All that on top of COPD. Now the plan is to release him to assisted living in two days. How in the world does someone in their mid-80's survive all that? I asked the doctor and she just said "he is a fighter". 

There will be more to work through in the near-term with managing their bills and eventually selling parent's house. My sister said she will deal with the selling the house. I guess I will have to deal with the financial aspects.

My open question to which there is no answer though is how long will this go on? Why?

What is the best I can do to keep myself safe, in a protective bubble, and not go down with their sinking ship? 

[FromTheSwamp]

You get them into assisted living (hire movers if possible), and then back away.  The assisted living can arrange transportation to appointments.  The fee is usually reasonable.  They may very well have a medical team on staff.  My parent has been in heart failure for years and is doing much better in assisted living with someone to manage his medications and so on.  If something concerning happens, they'll have your number to inform you, but they should be able to handle pretty much everything.

The transition is very tough, for sure.  But hold strong and don't get pulled in.  Everyone will get used to your hands off approach, and it's probably best for your parents too.  My mom has a long history of manufacturing drama to pull me in, and I finally recognized that when I stepped in to try to fix things, she got more and more invested in manufacturing more drama.  Bad for her, bad for me.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, Swamp. I agree and will do as you state "The transition is very tough, for sure.  But hold strong and don't get pulled in.  Everyone will get used to your hands off approach, and it's probably best for your parents too." 

 

[Rebel13]

Good luck Blueberry Pancakes! Thank you for writing this, and also thanks to FromTheSwamp for the good advice. I'm close to a year of NC with my 82-year-old mother who still lives by herself with my sibling's occasional help and a part-time paid caregiver and "best friend" (OK mom). I know I am going to have to deal with either her needing more help, or her death, in the somewhat near future, and it's good to hear that other people don't rush to the bedside or deathbed, that it's not a requirement. Hearing others' stories here, going against the "but it's faaaaaaaamily" narrative, helps me think through how I can, and want to, handle things when my mother's situation inevitably gets worse.

[Call Me Cordelia]

You maintained regular visits. You allowed them to make their own choices and live their lives as they saw fit. You are offering assistance to people you have a really hard time with. You opened yourself back up to a long-dead relationship with your sister for the benefit of your awful parents. You have a mountain of financial work ahead of you. You naturally do not like this state of affairs one bit.

I see a very kind and generous person here, Blueberry.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thanks everyone. I had ignored my parents decline for a while due to my VLC and simply not wanting to address whatever was going on with them. I noticed they went off the cliff when I visited for 30-minutes at Christmas. I was appalled at their living conditions. I sort of question how a neighbor or visiting handyman did not call Social Services for a welfare assessment. It happened sort of under my nose, but I just did not want to deal with them. 

Now they are in an ALF. I engaged for roughly one month to get their plan in place. I sped it through as quickly as possible so I can just drop it. I am handing off now to those who are paid to deal with them.

Thanks. It helps to write about this and feels sort of like a release. 
 

[moglow]

I could have written that one myself. I'll do what must be done to get care in place when needed then I'm dipping out.

Peace, friend!

[moglow]

I could have written that one myself. I'll do what must be done to get care in place when needed then I'm dipping out.

Peace, friend!

[Jane Doe]

Thank you for writing this Blueberry, I certainly get it esp your title.  You have been strong and resilient with the situation that was put before you, hope I can be that strong when my birth mother has to be put in a nursing home if she lives that long.  She is also in her 80s.

I feel guilty thinking that way but I don't ever see her letting me live in peace until she dies.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Peace, friend!

Thank you, Moglow. Indeed - Peace.

[NarcKiddo]

It sounds like you are handling this really well; with compassion but also with proper regard for your own limits.

Good for you!

[SunnyMeadow]

Hi Blueberry, I haven't been here in a few years but checked in and found your post. I think I probably made a similar one! Although it doesn't seem like it will ever happen, it will. They won't go on forever and one day you'll feel the freedom of both of them being gone. A member here, pseudonym wrote this very thing years ago, it will happen  - they won't live forever! Her mother, Negatron finally died and my parents did too. I clung to her words and kept them in mind. It helped me get through those maddeningly tough times with my parents. I thought they'd outlive me but they didn't. 

Your dad sounds like he's in rough shape. An elderly body isn't able to keep on ticking after all these symptoms. I doubt he'd make a full recovery. I know how you feel though, waiting and wondering Why and How?!

My story with my narc mom and enabling dad is SO similar to yours. I started backing away from them many years before they died. I had to in order to protect myself. The stress was causing me physical problems.

I say keep doing what you're doing. Your boundaries sound good and solid with conversations kept to a minimum. Like you, I dealt with getting them in assisted living, getting rid of excess furniture, selling their house and more. It was hugely stressful. Go easy on yourself and be good to yourself. Take time off from them and focus on you and your immediate family. Don't feel guilty, you're entitled to feel what you feel. This is a good place to share these things that would probably sound awful to those who don't have PD parents.

Big hugs and understanding!



 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thanks Narckiddo and Sunnymeadow. The understanding you expressed is so helpful. 

I believe I stepped back close to this family due to my own values and what seemed right for me given the situation I was witnessing. It was not out of loyalty or thinking it will change one darn thing. 

I have stepped out again. I have not visited them. Nobody from their ALF or anyone else has attempted to contact me, so I am letting it play out as it may.   

Also, Sunnymeadaow, thank you for sharing your own experience when you travelled a similar path. My thoughts are that I am not part of whatever is happening to them. It is "theirs" and not "mine" to own. I visualize a wall between us, and it helps me keep emotionally and mentally out of the fray. I have kept my husband out of this in spite of his offers to help because I do not want this infiltrating our life. We have dinner plans tonight with friends, and are making vacation plans next month somewhere sunny. 

Thank you.   

[Boat Babe]

I so get it. My mother is now 92 and very frail. She lives 100 miles away and I am the only family member she has (I don't include my son because I don't want him sucked into all this - he calls grandma, sends her cards and is very sweet to her but he doesn't do the care thing) Anyway, I now call her every night, just to check, and every time she picks up the phone I have a little feeling of disappointment. Yup, she's still alive! (She never phones me by the way because it's too expensive     it really isn't!)

[TimetoHeal]

You don't sound like a bad person at all, FWIW.  I think anybody here can understand. 

I am close to being where you are, only my mom will not agree to go in to AL.  Our situations are a little different though, in that she has been sure she is about to die for several years now even though nothing is wrong with her.  So she is letting her health get worse and worse in a self-fulfilling prophecy.  What can we do?

I hope you soon have a lot more peace once they are in assisted living!