Coping w/ Body Issues

[April86]

Im sure I'm not alone in having a N parent being the cause of issues with our bodies and self image. I'd like to know how you have coped with it, or is that still a struggle now.

My mother would tell me that the ideal figure for a woman in her country was to be very thin with no curves. She would obsess about her weight and as a result there were a lot of foods we couldn't eat. Her answer was "it has fat in it, fat is bad." Also never enough food in the house anyways cause we were so poor. I didn't "look" abused or malnourished so no one ever noticed. But i would dream of food all the time, I just remember that I was always starving.

When i entered puberty i started to notice the dirty looks my mother would give me as she looked up and down my body. As an adult woman it was worse. She would look especially disgusted at my hips and butt when i wore fitting pants. She would just stare at my butt grimacing and just say "its...bad."

My husband on the other hand loves curves and i get confused when the traits of my figure that i thought were ugly he says he always found attractive.

Even with 1 yr NC and uNPDM out of my life i still stuggle with eating too much or too little. I still feel her judging stare when i look at my own body. How does one overcome that?

Anyways I'd love to hear if you've had similar experiences.

[Seven]

Start with loving you for you.  If you feel comfortable in your body, that's all that matters.

My mother's idol is Sophia Loren.  She's GOT to look like Sophia Loren.  My mother is older than Sophia Loren.

My entire life I have been criticized for my weight, a pimple, you name it.  Yet when I would exercise and lose weight there was no validation.  Goalposts moved again.  This was the story of my life until I decided that I can't do it for anyone else but ME!  When I stopped giving a shit about other people's validation, things changed.

Although it's taken me a while, I've gone from 305lbs down to 156 as of today.  My husband says I'm too skinny.  I don't feel like I am.

Last time my mother saw me was last month at her birthday.  I hid most of the time behind the table at the restaurant.  When we got up to say goodbye, she got a good look and said "don't get too skinny", which translated in narc-speak means "don't be as skinny as me.  Don't be as pretty as I think I am"

IDGAF what anyone thinks of me or what I look like, how fat or skinny I am.."The only persons opinion I care about is my own.  Just validate yourself and your body confidence will burst through.

[TwentyTwenty]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.. I was not judged on physical appearance by my Nm, but on almost every other aspect. I was a 'coward', 'dictator', 'worst person in our family tree', 'a shame to my family' etc etc.. it definitely gets old very quickly.. So, you asked for examples of how some of us have overcome this.. I can give you mine.

I finally realized there are actually evil people in the world. Sometimes they are neighbors. Sometimes they are friends. Sometimes they are someone's mother.

I completely removed myself from the adverse effect of my evil mother.

I taught myself that I don't give one shit about what any evil people think about me, whomever they are.

Problem solved. For good.

[treesgrowslowly]

This is a common issue, sadly. We take in a lot of messages about our bodies from our parents and other adults when we are growing up. Their insecurities are hard on us.

They teach us what they believe about bodies. They believe curves are bad or good. The the truth is that bodies are not good shapes or bad shapes. They are just the shape they are. Our bodies need our love. You're doing the right thing in looking for ways to see your body in a new and more loving way.

NPDs are good at judging. That's on them. When we allow something to be accepted and not judged, we do something that NPDs can't do.

My advice is to see if there is counselling in your area that works with your beliefs about your body. Sometimes this is called body positive or body acceptance work.

You deserve to believe that your body is a beautiful body. Developing a loving relationship with your body is worth the effort. You are already doing this by writing what you did and knowing that your mother's beliefs about fat do not need to be your beliefs about fat.

At every stage of life our body takes a new shape... and curves can come and go for all sorts of reasons.

I've made a point of looking at stories of women talking positively about their bodies. Women who take charge of building muscles for example or women who feel good in their own skin after they have had an illness or a surgery or a baby or a disability. These women inspire me to reconnect with my own body and love it for what it looks like today, and how it feels today.

What is something you want to believe about your body? Which women inspire you as strong women? What do they like about their bodies?  I liked the recent tv show The Titans with Dwayne Johnson. There were women with different curves and different shapes but they used their bodies to feel strong and that was really inspiring to me. 

[Vogue]

I understand everything you write because I`ve been abused the same way.
As a 46 year old woman I still struggle with body issues, but I now I`m aware of what have caused them.
Instead of filling or starving both my body and feelings, I`m woke and do not bodyshame and punish myself  every day the way I was for no reason through my childhood and youth.
Not quite over the finish line yet, but I´m getting there:)

I dance a lot to make myself aware of how my body works.
Even if I`m a «full figure» woman, I can still do everything I want to do. I follow «dancers with curves» on IG for inspiration.
I also do yoga to regain contact with every part of it, because I had detached myself from it for so long.
It works.
I was in a survival mood and only existed to survive during childhood and youth.
Now I feel drops of happiness about how my body is, and that feels so good.

There are no «wrong» bodies, not yours, -not mine,
-only people with their own issues who project their problems on other people.
I am so sorry you`ve had this type of childhood, and sending you strenght and love in your battle to become your true loved self.
Remember; you are a survivor! Go you!

(Ps. English is not my first language so forgive me if something that I write is a little «off»