There and Back Again

[pipchick]

Thank you, Brooke

I have my own preference, and I will phone their office tomorrow for a viewing. I can't afford a flat. It'll be a room in a shared house, but that's okay. I don't plan on remaining in the country for that long, and if not, it's ideal for saving.

Andeza, all of what you said is really helpful and practical advice - thank you so much

She's due back soon. I have a feeling in my gut she's going to try and stage one of her "interventions" tonight. I remember these from my childhood as a regular occurence. Basically, she gets everyone to put pressure on me until I completely invalidate my own emotions and my own self... but the kicker is I have to do all joyfully or it just isn't enough. It's not enough to just say it.

She's going to do this by saying I make the new partner/enabler/supply feel like he can't be in the house when I am there.

I could write it all out line by line. This is just how it was when Dad was alive. When she'd finished yelling at me, she'd get my enabler Dad to gently "explain" why I was a bad person, and why my feelings don't count. These sessions would last for literally hours and hours.

That's what's changed recently, I think, on reflection. She's got a carbon copy of my Dad and so now she wants me go back to my place as the scapegoat.

I don't know whether to go out or something. But I don't drink, so it's not like I can go to the pub. I can't walk in the dark. I can't waste money on the cinema.

It's a dilemma.

[NumbLotus]

If going out isn't feasible (and while I strongly support your savings, 10 quid at the cinema tonight might be an incredibly WISE use of money), can you get food in your room and go pee and anything else you have to do, and lock yourself in, prepare for banging in the door and put headphones on and breeeeathe?

Or maybe rethink the cinema. Sometimes they don't kick you out if you stay for another showing in the same seat. The pub won't kick you out if you order a soft drink.

If you are trapped into the intervention, stay strong. Or sarcastically confess your sins with a smirk. Or don't respond at all, even to screaming. Or say "here we go again with your batshit crazy" and name every tool she uses against you ("ah, projection, and a very creative use of it too."). Anything to keep from breaking your spirit.

Also,,, is a women's shelter an option?

[pipchick]

I think I'll just stay in my room and refuse to be drawn out of it. I'll say I'm busy with helping a friend out.

[NumbLotus]

Good. Do you have everything you need (food, drink, something to do, any meds you take in the evening)?

[pipchick]

Yes... all sorted out. She already tried my door and went away again. It was locked. Only a couple of hours to bedtime for me. I work earlies

[NumbLotus]

Hang in there.

[PeanutButter]

I think I'll just stay in my room and refuse to be drawn out of it. I'll say I'm busy with helping a friend out.

So glad your still safe! You are doing so great! I dont blame you at all for not wanting to expose your partner and your relationship to her. Myself and my partner couch hopped (with all our friends) for a while just to escape pd parents. Im so glad youll be able to afford a room.
'Calmness is everything' JERRY WISE
If you can if you have to talk to her about the intervention even if you dont feel calm, fake it, so she cant feed off of your emotions.
I am wishing for you a peaceful evening.

[PeanutButter]

Yes... all sorted out. She already tried my door and went away again. It was locked. Only a couple of hours to bedtime for me. I work earlies

Yay! 

[Brooke]

Hope you're okay today. 

[Duck]

I am sending you positive thoughts and encouragement. May you have as much peace as possible as you hunker down and plot your escape. You are worth finding a safer, saner environment.

[pipchick]

Thank you Duck, Brooke and peanut butter 

Today's update.

I have to be honest. I've been through the wringer a bit today going back to blaming myself again (habit of a lifetime!)

Speaking of habit, I noticed earlier because I used to smoke. The psychological urge to forget the latest piece of upset feels exactly the same as the psychological urge to smoke. It honestly does. Which to me says it should be resisted at all costs. I wont smoke again because I'm not an idiot. I wont forget either.

The end of the day doesn't seem as hopeless. I went to look at a room today. I dont need luxury, just somewhere peaceful to rest my head that is easy for me to get to work. I have another one to check out on tuesday afternoon.

It's all going to be okay. And I think once I am away, a lot if things will seem easier, brighter and more hopeful. I'll be capable. I just need to prove it to myself, then I can do almost anything I want.

[Duck]

What you say about smoking makes sense to me. I used to be a heavy smoker. One time I saw the actress who played the mom from that 70's show talk about quitting smoking. She said all these emotions bubbled up, and they were way more than could be explained by just the frustration of quitting. She thinks people stuff away their feelings when they smoke, and that rings true to me. When I smoked, I was steeling  myself against reality.

[Brooke]

I hope the room you see on Tuesday is comfortable and affordable for you. I'm glad you're resisting the urge to forget the latest abuse as you deserve so much better.

Good luck and keep us updated!

[pipchick]

Thank you so much, Duck and Brooke

I am optimistic today.

Here's an interesting question for you all, though. In escaping an NPD parent, I am getting this absolute certainty coming from my brain in the form of a directive - Do NOT Engage! I know the many reasons not to, the biggest one being that it's pointless, and I know that at the moment of my leaving I will instantly become the most evil, nasty, spiteful, ungrateful child that ever existed... all of that is inevitable. But I wonder...

Do they believe the stuff they spout? I mean, not that it makes any difference, I guess. I just wonder exactly how much self awareness there is.

I'm probably going down a really unhelpful mental path here. I'll stop. Right now.

In other news, the fridge is not working. I noticed this as far as a couple of months ago, that it wasn't getting cold, but that it was intermittent. I told her about it and I got that reaction: the pulled face like I've just done the most disgusting thing imaginable (likely existing), and the brush off: Don't be stupid... Or I think on this occasion it was that general sound of annoyance that means so many things, all rolled into one: I'm not listening... I don't believe you... You're worthless... I'll decide everything... you're just determined to ruin my day/my life etc... shut up...

This kind of thing has happened so often that I know she will maintain the brush off right up until the point where the milk for her tea is... lumpy. And even then, she'll still find some way of invalidating what I said before. If her mood is bad enough, she'll act as if I made it happen by saying it.

Does anyone else get this? Like... what you think/believe and say is so unimportant that the PD parent will literally suffer to prove it?

[Andeza]

Yup, the world revolves around them, therefore it's not true unless they say it is. Even if it means making themselves sick on bad food. To add insult to injury, she'll probably find some way to blame you. 

I highly recommend not eating anything out of that fridge. I grew up in hurricane prone areas, we would load a cooler up with ice and use that while the power was out. Sometimes for days.

Happy apartment hunting!

[pipchick]

To add insult to injury, she'll probably find some way to blame you. 

You're not the only person to say that. I am blessed to have such great people around me. Thank you so much.

I highly recommend not eating anything out of that fridge. I grew up in hurricane prone areas, we would load a cooler up with ice and use that while the power was out. Sometimes for days.

Happy apartment hunting!

I won't eat anything. I got a sandwich today. I use longlife milk so I'm fine

[Duck]

My dad has OCPD. A common trait among such persons is demand resistance. Unless it comes from him, he won't want to do it. He'll resist just because a request came from someone else, even if it is logical and he might have done it, anyway. He likes to say, "You don't tell me!"

[pipchick]

My dad has OCPD. A common trait among such persons is demand resistance. Unless it comes from him, he won't want to do it. He'll resist just because a request came from someone else, even if it is logical and he might have done it, anyway. He likes to say, "You don't tell me!"

That sounds very similar indeed. There's a lot of ignorance and invalidation tied into these things too, isn't there? It's like nothing you say is true, nothing you say means anything, and nothing you say matters. I hate to say I learnt that lesson really well.

Anyway... update for today!

We had to move the viewing to this afternoon instead of yesterday, but I've been looking today and provided I meet requirements, I'm going to take one! I'm feeling ... Hm... weirdly hesitantly jubilant. I guess it's a mixture of feeling that I can get away, and I really can do it! And also... terrified of how my mother will react when I make the announcement. That feeling you're doing something very wrong for which you will be made to pay for ever and ever. I'm calling time on that one. It's there, that feeling, but I'm not letting it influence what I do.

I'm jubilant.

[Andeza]

I'd advise not telling her if at all possible. She'll figure it out when she sees all your stuff is gone. I don't know if her schedule allows this to be possible, but if she's at work you may very well be able to get everything out of the house while she's on shift.

So proud of you for this major step forward in taking care of yourself. You are a person deserving of basic human decency and respect, and she's not doing that, for sure.

[Duck]

I am rooting for you and really look forward to an update! Does she call you on the phone? This might be a good time to make sure she's blocked or get a new  number so you don't have to deal with ridiculous phone calls. (I myself must occasionally clear out all my blocked voice mails so my box doesn't fill.)