How Many Had "Overprotective' Abusive Parents?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Nanotech that story is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you went through that. But thank you so much for sharing. I hope it helped to release some of that pain. My heart hurts for that girl, finally feeling some love and approval, be brave enough to get away and stand up for yourself, only to have those who should have been 100% on your side have affection for your abuser. If your mother had any self awareness at all she would be deeply ashamed of herself.

I was another overprotected one. It was a stated rule that I couldn't even ask to see a PG-13 movie until at least 14. I was not allowed to play in the front yard because kidnappers. The kids at school used to mock me with, "You're not allowed!!!!" because of all the ridiculous restrictions on me, from shaving my legs, to going to my school's football games, to walking around my very safe neighborhood. I had to leave youth group the second it hit 9:00 even if the minister was still speaking.

I WAS allowed to babysit for pay at age 12 (and give my earnings to Mom to "deposit" for me). I WAS allowed to get a steady boyfriend at 17 and stay out until 3 am. They curiously never worried about that, if they even knew. They were angry at me for quitting a job in college where I was expected to close by myself very late at night.

I think you all are right, it's all very self-serving. Their restrictions meant they could watch more TV and not bother to give me rides places. Allowing me to be normal might mean I'd have a social life and expect to go out which means more rides and money spent on movies, etc. High school boyfriend had a car and rich parents they wanted to impress, so whatever.

And nanotech it's weird, but my parents would bring up my high school boyfriend ALL THE TIME. Implying subtly that he was the one who got away. Even after I was married, my dad would "accidentally" call my husband by xbf's name.

[Duck]

PeanutButter, Thank you so much for your kind words. I know I could not share what I wrote with anyone in my real life, not even my husband.

[Amadahy]

Thank you for the thread, PeanutButter!

My Nmom was ignoring until I began individuating, then she became overbearingly overprotective.  What this felt like to me was love, since I'd been ignored all the years prior.  I reasoned that all the "attention" was care.  I was compliant, never gave her a moment's trouble, never talked back, never thought of my own needs or wants until I was 47 years old. In that time, I put up with meddling in my love life, sabotaging my job and my husband's job, trying to be "mother" to my own children, false reports to my college and police, and finally -- the straw that broke it -- her trying her crap on my own children.  All those years I told myself that she could just stop if I found the right way to approach her. Wow, the load I was carrying!!  I went NC for a time and when I chose to see her again, I laid down some definitive boundaries and have been able to manage a MC, casual co-existence. I don't tell her anything of substance and as long as we talk about the cats, dogs and weather, I can manage.  I wish I hadn't wasted so many years trying to win the love she wasn't able to give.

  Thanks, again. 

[Honey_B]

My experience was that my mother was overprotective when concerning situations that triggered her whereas she was underprotective in situations she didn't care about.

E.g. my mother was very controlling of me and my food intake because it triggered her need for me to be slim and attractive (because she was overweight herself and she projected that overweight on me).

On the other hand, she didn't care that I went to nightclubs already when I was 11 years (!) because she didn't have any triggerpoints around going to nightclubs.

Pretty crazy... 

[Sidney37]

What's with the overprotective issues surrounding seeing friends, but never around seeing boyfriends?  My mom was the same.  My high school girlfriends never believed the excuses that I wasn't allowed to go to their parties our out with them, but was allowed out with whoever my boyfriend was at the time. 

She also insisted that I get a job for the restaurant where she worked in the office.   She got the pay check for me, insisted she "deposit it" into the joint checking account that had her name on it.   She got the statements.   I had no idea I could have probably gotten my own account she insisted that I had to have much more money in the account to have my own or the bank would "take it all" in fees.

[PeanutButter]

Hello PeanutButter and Everyone,

Happy Mother's Day to all those GOOD mothers out there. Don't mean to sound judgmental, but I felt that I had to make an emphasis on that word because we are faced with the daily truth of knowing there is a big distinction of a woman simply having a child, and one who consciously intends to raise a child in a healthy way. In my eyes, the good mothers are not perfect, but the ones who should be applauded for ultimately being unselfish; regardless of their own upbringing.
"I definately recognised 'nueroticly' anxious leaning cumpulsions that had I indulged I might have 'held' my child back from doing age appopriate activities that my own ubpd/uspdM brainwashed in me were to dangerous. (Jumping on a 'trampoline' being just one example)
I think the difference was that I realized that it was something I needed to cope with internally NOT by controlling externally. I was in denial and fog then but Im so grateful I somehow had that insight at least."
With that said, I was reading this eye-opening thread--haven't had a chance to read of all the replies yet as I have intense studying going on with college courses, and I couldn't wait to jump in here, as I had a revelation thanks to PeanutButter!

I remember talking to my mother about this story that was in the news many years ago; it was about an abusive husband and wife (or were they longtime lovers?). In a nutshell (I don't exaggerate when I say "nut"), the husband was an abusive narcissist on the malignant end of the spectrum, because he blinded the wife with acid; and the wife stayed to take care of him (believe he got sick, or something), even though she was blinded by him! So, my mother says "amusingly" something to the effect of, "I can see how he did that, to make her stay with him..." and I emphatically replied that that was unacceptable and that a person's a** would be in jail (I believe he did go himself as a result, and they got back together after he got out)!
  That IS disturbing that she 'got it' why he would blind his wife with acid to keep her. It made me think of the saying "takes one to know one".
While we can't even imagine, let alone suspect, this kind of thinking in humans; it is very real.
I do wonder how prevelent malignant unpd are in our society.
That was some years ago, and I never forgot that conversation. Even scares me now and though I don't see her doing something like that, it helped to fuel my distrust for others (I am very discerning), including her of course. The upside is she is too old now (82 years), and has had hip and back surgeries; can't move like that anymore and is bent over. Still, I keep eyes peeled at all times and for overall reasons, haven't even been to her house for over a year. Plus, there's her NPD, golden, flying monkey of a child I told y'all about and that I don't want contact with.

I don't want anyone to think I'm being threatened or anything; it's more about the stuff that comes out of their mouths due to their mindset. But we're actually cordial nowadays because I know my boundaries as a result of my learning about NPD. My mother is more teenager-like now and talks more like she is naïve/tends to act more reckless with herself (I have put the brakes on her thinking this is normal and doing stuff to me); and trying to figure things out at times.

I find this whole NPD thing that lies on a spectrum spooky at times. And PeanutButter, you were saying that these type of parents who are overprotective say it's in the name of love. Boy, isn't that the truth; I don't know why society still seems blind to it. Though, the internet is revealing really good lessons about NPD and for that I am grateful! In my mother's case, she does get that way, but she also can be on the other end of the spectrum; i.e., growing up, I didn't have strict weekend curfews (just make sure to go to school or expected to work starting at 16; okay, that's good), no overly strict household rules (had to rotate with other sisters in doing the dishes, another good discipline); but still didn't want me to move out when the time came (wanted to be out at 21 and she gave me a hard time; I didn't leave until 29 due to her drinking habit and my co-dependence; she finally "understood" but had a hand in finding the place I live in now-though I take care of it and me). More recently, I feel disregarded when it comes to doing something for her too; i.e., had to go into a dark unlocked apartment by myself to secure her turtle and things when she was in the hospital from falling/EMS breaking in to get her and leaving the locks broken. She asked if her things were okay rather than me (that was one of the last straws/times I have been there)! I don't mind that she cared about the turtle though; an innocent being that actually made me feel she can have some compassion.

So, my mom seems to be a mixed bag of these things. Anyone experience that; not always one way, but fluctuating from seemingly normal, to overprotective, to being reckless with you?

Yes now that you mentioned it there was an hypocrisy by mine and my DH's parents towards their own supposed 'standard'. IE making us get a job once we were teenagers.
I remember reading somewhere that it is common for over controlling (over protective) parents to limit independance greatly while simultaneously demanding responsibility with niether being age appropriate. To me it proves the ulterior self serving motivations.
Thanks for this great revelation PeanutButter. Every day I learn, the closer I feel to healing!  (Might be a back and forth process at times).

P.S. I am glad to be able to get this thought out, because when I would think about it, I'd think it would be hard to talk about to someone. Someone even mentioned Misery; I just realized her character may be based on a malignant Narc! Wonder how many like that are out here! 

[PeanutButter]

My parents too. I was never allowed on school trips and couldn't have friends round. They had some ridiculous rules on safety.
The concept of the little girl inside mum needing to be soothed and using overprotective ness of her kids to do this? This resonates with me.
There was a lot of overprotective ness until I got to 12. Then it was
' Get a job'  Say you are 13 if need be.'  ( it was the 70s so casual jobs for teenagers were common, but I was a very immature 12 year old )
All of a sudden I was working in a hotel!
Of course I was useless because my mum had never taught me how to do anything practical 'in case you hurt yourself.'
She liked having control of the kitchen and  also never let me help with younger siblings because she told me, 'you are not capable.'
So I was unconfident and inexperienced.
Guess what! I lost that job! I cried all the way home.
Mum rang the hotel to see why I'd lost it! Um because I didn't have a clue what I was doing mum?
A couple of years later I was pursued by an older boy. ( I know. He was clearly a lot older and worldly wise. That should have been enough to ring massive alarm bells).
Very early on he wanted to meet my family . (another red flag anyone?). Of course being PDs they were flattered, and my mum was totally charmed by him. He was very charismatic.
She said how sorry she felt for him because he had been in care. My mum's dad had abandoned their family when she was 9 . My mum never got over him leaving. She tended to view males as more valuable and she made it clear I wasn't to finish with him. She said as much. There was no supervision of our dates, I could stay out quite late. She said she knew I wasn't in danger because I was with him. But he WAS the danger. So despite mum's previous huge fussing over safety, she  completely failed to protect me when I needed her to the most.
2 years of sexual, emotional and physical abuse followed.
Looking back, I could never understand why her extreme safety habits didn't seem to extend to an obvious subject-her daughter's boyfriends. But reading this has made me see that his presence in the family could well have soothed the abandonment scars of that lost little girl in her.
He really was very charming with her, to the point almost, of flirting. I didn't see it at the time but now when I look back it was blatant flirting- my mum was only in her late thirties.
Despite the fact that he was eventually charged with assaulting me, my mum missed him when it finished
-and I got the blame both for 'bringing him home' but also for not 'keeping' him.
Very weird , my family!
Years later mum stated how she wondered how he was getting along and how she still felt sorry for him. My kids were running round  and their granny was talking affectionally about the man who had abused their mother. Older sister was also there,  and she chimed in too with sympathy for him. I felt like my only worth had been to bring him into the family, and that I hadn't been able to please him enough for the relationship to work out.
I got blamed for my own abuse. This is someone who, apart from the sexual and emotional damage, split my lip open, knocked me senseless and kicked me in the stomach when I tried I leave him.

Mum made exactly the same mistake years later when  my younger sis was pursued by another charmer.
I and my older sibling saw through him, but mum was having none of it. She spent all sorts of money on him and all the while he was abusing my sister. Months after it was over, when mum spoke of it to my sister, she would refer to it as my sister's' mistake'.
She was 17 when that happened to her.
Yeh gods.
So yeh, safety first -until it suits them to Chuck their kids right under that bus!

That is so terrible. All the 'overprotective' measures EXCEPT when you actually needed them.
Thank you for sharing your experience.

[PeanutButter]

Nanotech that story is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you went through that. But thank you so much for sharing. I hope it helped to release some of that pain. My heart hurts for that girl, finally feeling some love and approval, be brave enough to get away and stand up for yourself, only to have those who should have been 100% on your side have affection for your abuser. If your mother had any self awareness at all she would be deeply ashamed of herself.

I was another overprotected one. It was a stated rule that I couldn't even ask to see a PG-13 movie until at least 14. I was not allowed to play in the front yard because kidnappers. The kids at school used to mock me with, "You're not allowed!!!!" because of all the ridiculous restrictions on me, from shaving my legs, to going to my school's football games, to walking around my very safe neighborhood. I had to leave youth group the second it hit 9:00 even if the minister was still speaking.

I WAS allowed to babysit for pay at age 12 (and give my earnings to Mom to "deposit" for me). I WAS allowed to get a steady boyfriend at 17 and stay out until 3 am. They curiously never worried about that, if they even knew. They were angry at me for quitting a job in college where I was expected to close by myself very late at night.

I think you all are right, it's all very self-serving. Their restrictions meant they could watch more TV and not bother to give me rides places. Allowing me to be normal might mean I'd have a social life and expect to go out which means more rides and money spent on movies, etc. High school boyfriend had a car and rich parents they wanted to impress, so whatever.

And nanotech it's weird, but my parents would bring up my high school boyfriend ALL THE TIME. Implying subtly that he was the one who got away. Even after I was married, my dad would "accidentally" call my husband by xbf's name.

Thank you callmecordelia! Im sorry for the painful treatment you experienced.
I suffered at school with my peers because all of the rules left basically nothing that I was permitted to do with my class. There were no feild trips, no sports, no extra carricular, no sleepovers, no play dates, no having a friend over, I wasn't even allowed to swish my mouth with mouthwash every morning with my 4th grade class.(it was early 80's and a program to teach us the benefits of fluoride on our teeth was started) Starting in 7th grade we were allowed to leave the school to get lunch. I COULD NOT GET MY PERMISSION SLIP SIGNED. Ive never been to a school dance except senior prom (i was 18 and evicted from ubpd/uspdM's house. I was not at any age permitted to walk to the end of our driveway to the bus stop. Most of the kids were kind or at least sympathetic.
As far back as I can remember I was GLARINGLY  different. Eventually I had a deep dispair that I was not just different but the difference from everyone was actually that I was inferior. I attemted suicide when I was 13 for that very reason.
Yet, I was to get a job when I was 15. I had to babysit my younger sibligs and eventually my nephew starting from a very early age. I was supposed to become at least part time, but preferrably full time ministry student in the cult also from very early age.

[PeanutButter]

Thank you for the thread, PeanutButter!

My Nmom was ignoring until I began individuating, then she became overbearingly overprotective.  What this felt like to me was love, since I'd been ignored all the years prior.  I reasoned that all the "attention" was care.  I was compliant, never gave her a moment's trouble, never talked back, never thought of my own needs or wants until I was 47 years old. In that time, I put up with meddling in my love life, sabotaging my job and my husband's job, trying to be "mother" to my own children, false reports to my college and police, and finally -- the straw that broke it -- her trying her crap on my own children.  All those years I told myself that she could just stop if I found the right way to approach her. Wow, the load I was carrying!!  I went NC for a time and when I chose to see her again, I laid down some definitive boundaries and have been able to manage a MC, casual co-existence. I don't tell her anything of substance and as long as we talk about the cats, dogs and weather, I can manage.  I wish I hadn't wasted so many years trying to win the love she wasn't able to give.

  Thanks, again.

Thank you too. I also feel why it took so many wasted years. But its more important from this day on we now know. We broke the cycle!

[PeanutButter]

My experience was that my mother was overprotective when concerning situations that triggered her whereas she was underprotective in situations she didn't care about.

E.g. my mother was very controlling of me and my food intake because it triggered her need for me to be slim and attractive (because she was overweight herself and she projected that overweight on me).

On the other hand, she didn't care that I went to nightclubs already when I was 11 years (!) because she didn't have any triggerpoints around going to nightclubs.

Pretty crazy... 

I feel you have nailed a very specific clue. It is imo the shame, denial, and projection of their unackowledged wounds that are driving the behaviors. IME the narratives of their reasons for doing what they did are dishonest justifications.

[PeanutButter]

  To everyone who has shared. Thank you so much to all.

I also want to validate us all.
What we felt in response to these controlling behaviors/manipulations was a normal reaction. We were not "ungrateful" or 'too young and dumb to understand'.
Our needs were not met. Our emotional understanding and coping, and practical independence knowledge just to name a few, were completely neglected. Instead of meeting our needs which is what a parents only job is, our parent used, controlled, and manipulated us to serve and fullfill their various needs without a second thought, still to this day, whether they had the right to. At present ime most are whining about their suffering as a parent and wanting a 'thank you' with a cookie to start but only would be satisfied in the end with our complete servitude to them.  

[GettingOOTF]

I too had overprotective parents. I wasn’t allowed to do a lot and was constantly warned of danger which apparently lurked everywhere.

I grew up very ignorant and frightened of a lot of things, especially other people. I didn’t learn basic skills like cooking or applying makeup as we weren’t allowed in the kitchen when food was being prepared and there were major issues around anything personal grooming related, which I haven’t even started touching yet. It’s amazing to me still to see parents who let their kids help in the kitchen. I learned from an early age not to question anything so as an adult I accepted things at face value and didn’t  push myself personally or professionally until well into my 40s.

I battled a lot with self confidence, codependency and mediocrity. I’ve lived a very passive life where things “happened” to me. I was unable to take responsibility for my situations and relationships, always looking to change others as I simply accepted how and who I was. It never occurred to me that I could change something, least of all about myself.

It’s hard to describe to other people. I was aware of nice things, loving relationships, putting effort into one’s appearance etc. I simply thought they were for other people. For years I never bought any clothes that weren’t on sale.

I’m glad for the healing I have found for myself but I still see how my parents brand of overprotection still holds me back a lot. And I see it holding my siblings and nieces back too.

It’s funny because my parents, like Honey_b’s, were very lax about who I hung out with and about things like drinking. They would go out so we could throw these wild parties. I look back on this and I see how grossly inappropriate it was. My sister was the same with my niece and she has a lot of the same issues I did.

My family is textbook for how these things are inter-generational. We would swear we wouldn’t be our parents when we grew up yet we fell into the same trap. It takes real strength, courage and commitment to change our programming.

[BrightMoon]

"Better I break their legs and know where they are than see them become something I don't like."

This resonated with me. My parents had no interest in me as an individual. Never approved of me. When I was young they did this. Then when I turned about 6, they went completely the opposite way, and utterly abandoned my safety, neglecting basic things. I still struggle with that swing from one extreme to the other.

[Duck]

I think it is interesting that so many people here experienced both underprotection and overprotection.

Except for a relationship with a middle aged man they encouraged when I was barely legal because he was a church person and a youth speaker, my parents were never underprotective and still seek to protect my sister and me to this day. My sister and I are in our early 40's now. My dad never ceases to tell my sister on the phone that she may not move in her with her boyfriend. He recently told her he would pay her to move home and that she could help mom make food. My parents do not have an adult relationship with us. I was not encouraged to get a job. I got one after my freshman year of college but I had to be pretty stubborn about it. I get less advice than my sister because I got away years earlier and put more miles between us. Also, I am angrier and quicker to push back. I think my dad would be quite happy if neither of us got married or lost our virginity and stayed home for life.

What astonishes me is how little practical knowledge they taught us despite being on our backs every second in childhood. I did not learn cooking, cleaning, how to handle money, how to build credit, how to care for cars, etc. I used to feel stupid but now I just think it's ok. It's not my fault. But how could they be on us all the time without using that time more productively? I do have some special skills like being able to keep a poker face and to hear footsteps from a long way off.

Recently, I was reading about  individuation and how important it is. I decided that from now on, I will act as if that happened in our family whether it did or not. I have a right to it as it is what should have happened and experts agree it is the desired end result, not enmeshment.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh my gosh that is my father, Duck. Always on us, taught us very little worth knowing. There's no time to teach practical skills, and the child isn't capable of learning, when her full attention is needed for having just the right facial expression and tone of voice.

[Duck]

Oh my gosh that is my father, Duck. Always on us, taught us very little worth knowing. There's no time to teach practical skills, and the child isn't capable of learning, when her full attention is needed for having just the right facial expression and tone of voice.

That is a good way of putting it. I was reading your post and related to the ridiculous restrictions. At junior high church camp, the kids got to watch a PG movie. I told the leaders I could not watch it because of my parents and sat alone in my cabin. If I remember right, I believe I did this more than one year. That is how deep in my head my parents were.

I was definitely not encouraged to physically mature. I was teased terribly for not shaving my legs, so I clandestinely took my mom's razor and made a mess of it. I hurt myself because I didn't know what I was doing. One time I felt very nervous and a bit scared because I put on a headband with my hair back away from my face instead of down in little girl bangs (cut straight across by mother) and I wondered what the reaction would be.

I hear you and I am sorry you had to deal with that.

One of the stupidest parts to me today is remembering the restrictions on movies and TV. What were they protecting me from when I was living every day in an abusive house? Our every day life was more nightmarish than most anything I could have seen on TV.

[Duck]

I am not a Dr Phil fan, but I see value in this particular issue.
I feel like I experienced this as a kid.
Also have definitely seen it with uocpdh.
It's a matter of controlling the child for your own needs/purposes and like most other PD behaviors it's all arbitrary... No logic to it.

Yes, your statement rings true. My dad is diagnosed OCPD.

[PeanutButter]

Duck, and Callmecordelia,
I didnt have alot of the underprotectiveness either. Just the getting a job very young. I was given no practice with cooking, cleaning, money, car upkeep, etc. So I drove my first car completely out of oil because noone taught me you had to check the oil every time you filled the tank!
After I was an adult though enD also repeatedly told me to just live at home indefinately he would pay for me I wouldnt have to work. Once I had a job he said I could move back in and he'd pay for me so I could save all of my money. When I got my first apartment by myself he scolded me saying "Now Peanut Butter why in the world do you want to do this? You need to just live here at home and save your money." He was pretty frustrated.

[GettingOOTF]

What were they protecting me from when I was living every day in an abusive house? Our every day life was more nightmarish than most anything I could have seen on TV.[\quote]

This really resonates with me. I move in totally different circles now and when people talk about their childhoods I think to myself "my family was the cautionary tale were told".

I don't discuss my upbringing outside of these boards.

[Sidney37]

I had to learn to do things because once I was big enough, I was responsible for most housework but cooking.   PDm cooked dinner (barely, lots of processed, boxed meals) and I did most everything else, especially in the summer when I wasn't in school.   EnD and I were left with lengthy lists on a "To Do" pad of everything that we had to do on Saturday before we were permitted to do anything else.  I also had daily to do lists taped to the television each day.   He did automobile, repair and yard chores.  I did all household chores. 

She worked at a job out of the house.  He worked very long hours.  She cooked.  He and I did everything else while she propped her feet up and watched hours of recorded soap operas each day and hours of other tv on the weekend.   When I was older and complained about it, she would joke that EnD and I were labor and she was management.   

Once I broke the vacuum when I swept up something that shouldn't have been.   I had no idea.   There was no manual, book on vacuuming or internet.  I had my boyfriend's father repair it and teach me how to repair it in the future to stay out of trouble. 

Of course when I was dating someone with rich parents for a while, I didn't have to do any chores.  Interesting now that I look back on it.   It further encouraged me that being popular with boys was more important than anything and it made her look good when I drove around with him in a fancy car.