This mom needs support

[MommaBear1]

Hello. This is my introductory post ... but also a cry for some support from a community that has obviously "been there." I don't know all the acronymns yet, so somebody give me a link for that? In the meantime, here's my story:
My 18yo daughter currently has a dx of BPD, Major Depressive Disorder, unspecified personality disorder (antisocial traits), and unknown substance related disorder. We have run gamut of every disordered behavior that I can think of and then some, so I will just skip ahead to 2019 as a recap. She started openly doing drugs in the home in January and we gave her a deadline to leave. Not only has our household been in turmoil for YEARS because of her emotional disregulation (and quite honestly, our trying to figure out what was wrong and how to deal with it), but we have a 10yo son that is being incredibly affected by the behaviors. Since the "you must leave" edict,  she has been arrested, moved in with a heroin addict, hospitalized for self harm -- a 16" cut requiring 6 stitches, briefly homeless, suicidal, shoplifting from many stores, kicked out of a 2nd living place, thrashed and left a 3rd living place, smashed glass drug pipes in the driveway, drinking, always lying, risky sexual behaviors, etc. We made a mistake and let her come home to "recover" after a meltdown, suicide threats and cutting herself 20-30 times. She said she wanted help, but she really just needed a place to land. Last week she was arrested again and our plan was to just leave her in jail until she could get some court-ordered help. Her boyfriend bailed her out. When they showed up here, we kicked her out for good this time. We have every reason to make her leave -- disrespectful behavior, violent outbursts, stealing from us and others, never ever taking responsibility for her actions or her words, and not making even the slightest attempt at improvement. And yet ... she's my girl and my heart is breaking. She's homeless with no car, no job, no social skills, no money and no resources. She's obviously ill and needs help, but I cannot help her. Please tell me it's OK. That I'm OK. That she's an adult now and must take responsibility for her actions and healing; and that my responsibility is to care for myself, my young son and our family unit. I'm feeling pretty lost over here.

[all4peace]

Mommabear1, welcome. What a very painful story you are living, and have been living.

As parents, we are responsible TO our children, but not FOR our children (especially once they're adults). What I mean is that we can do all we can to raise them well, to love and support them, and they still have the autonomy to make their own choices. Sometimes those choices can be really poor ones. When those choices are impacting you and those you love (and your young child), it is your responsibility to have boundaries and to allow your beloved daughter to live with the consequences of her choices.

I hurt for you. It sounds like there's mental health and addiction in the mix, and I can only imagine how complex and painful that must be. But I do believe that you are very accurate in your last few sentences. She needs help, but you cannot help her. You do need to care for you, and your marriage, and your other child. It sounds like an excruciating but necessary choice. Hugs to you, MommaBear1.

[xredshoesx]

welcome momma bear-

i second what all4peace said-  you didn't cause your daughter to act like this, you can't control her actions now that she's an adult making these decisions, and you can't cure it no matter how much love and forgiveness you offer her. 

my biological mother is a lot like how you described your daughter.  from the time i was was born until the time i decided she and her behaviors were no longer allowed in my life i saw her parents bend over backwards to accommodate both her illness and addictions-  therefore allowing them both to continue/ control the family dynamic.   i know what you are doing is the hardest thing- letting her go and own her choices, but it's the best thing you can do for the rest of your family.

here's a link for the acronyms -
https://outofthefog.website/acronyms

be gentle with yourself today, hope to hear more from you soon

[Summer Sun]

Mommabear1, how heartbreaking.  It is one of the hardest things to endure, watching adult children make poor choices, unhealthy decisions and engage in life threatening behaviours.  We can feel so powerless, and we are. 

IME, It is natural to want to fix, rescue, help.  To save them from themselves. In part also, because it is too difficult for us to bear the discomfort of watching them suffer consequences.  We also want to believe their words as opposed to the truth and reality of their actions.  We always want only the  best for our children.  As adults, xredshoes and all4peace have said it best.  And IME, enabling only deepens the problems and sustains the behaviours. 

It takes great strength to sit in the fear and discomfort.  I encourage you to surround yourself with as much support as possible.  Are there groups in your area, for example such as Narcanon for families etc.  A couple of books that have been helpful to me are, When Our Adult Children Disappoint Us, and, I Don't Have to Make Everything all Better.

Wishing you strength, support, self care for this difficult journey.



Summer Sun

[PeanutButter]

Im so sorry for yours and your daughters pain. Because you mention her openly using drugs in your house and moving in with a heroin addict i did want to share with you that IME if she is addicted/dependent to opoid narcotics then this illness must be treated medically. Opiates hijack the brain so she will not be able to just stop because she wants too. She will need to get help. IMO being available when she does decide to get help is all you can do. I wish for you self compassion and self care now.  You have done everything humanly possible because you love her so much. Its okay to let go now and leave her to her higher power. I hope for you to have a little peace soon.  You deserve it.

[MommaBear1]

Thank you all for your compassion. I'm finding that the grief comes in waves. But this time, I'm stronger.

I wanted to give a quick update: I found out today from Gma of daughter's boyfriend that they do have a place to stay for now. No details, but I feel better knowing that she's still alive, and not sleeping on the street.

As long as there is breath, there is hope. My higher power is a good one and I'm trying to just keep giving this to Him and find my peace. Thanks again for your kind words!

[momnthefog]

MommaBear1,

Welcome and I'm sorry for the heartache.

I also have an adult child with PD dx and drug addiction.  I've found that posting on the Parents Board AND soberrecovery.com/FB pages for mothers living with addicted ac is helpful for me.

May of the tools are similar....especially boundary setting.

Both PD dx and drug addiction are heartbreaking, but dealing with both is often mind numbing for loved ones.  Protect your son too......(I also have younger kids) b/c the impact of drug use and PDs affects them as well.

I hope you will share your story on the Parent's Board.

Hugs,

momnthefog