PD former best friend

[intothewest26]

So, wow, I'm looking back and realizing just how many of my friends and former romantic relationships have likely been PD. One who my former therapist said had sociopathic tendencies. Another who told me she physically attacked a man at a bar. Yet another who was so focused on herself, her image and looks, that she continued to party in our apartment while I was actively experiencing a brief psychotic episode that she, from what I remember, was aware of. There's so much I could say on this. Probably the only romantic type relationship who wasn't PD was high school friend of several years/later boyfriend. I'm still friends with his sister. Then after that it kind of just went downhill. I have, I think, 2 or 3 friends left after distancing myself from the others, none of them living where I am, unfortunately (one of them showing signs of PD also, but she was my college roommate and it's not to the point I feel I should cut off contact entirely.) I have put myself, as I'm sure many people here have, in so many dangerous situations. I am working on codependent tendencies within myself in therapy.

What I would like to talk about specifically is my former best friend, who shows N traits. Took me a long time to realize it. She is not overt. She had a very difficult childhood, like I did, and I have a lot of compassion for her in general, so kind of hard to talk about.

We met when I was in middle school. In high school, we became closer. Unfortunately, I was arguing a lot with another girl at the time, high school drama stuff, and my former best friend found out, proceeded to bully her repeatedly, and literally threatened the girl's life on a social media platform. Was not directly to her otherwise some action could have been taken. I did not remember her saying this, I found it while looking through old posts (maybe shouldn't be doing that for my own sanity, but hey.) I have since apologized to this other girl for what happened and honestly feel terrible. Former best friend has not expressed any kind of remorse in many years.

When I graduated college we became less close. She frequently forgot to respond to texts and it was very one sided. I was the one initiating conversation. She was very involved with a new friend group. She also got married recently, and I was in her wedding. Her college friends excluded me the whole time (most of them) and one of them asked an invasive and unusual question about what "other medication" I'm on. I was on antipsychotics and had communicated this to former best friend, not to her. At the time, I had only told two people outside of my family that I experienced a brief psychotic episode several years ago. This made me very uneasy. I still wonder if she told something that was so private to her friends.

Overall, I feel our relationship was not close emotionally. It was mostly me trying to get close to her. I think she is kind of shut off emotionally. We had an argument a couple months ago about something I feel strongly about, prior to that I had not dared to question her on anything because of how she gets. She responded in a way that was very "my opinion is more valid than yours because I am in the medical field" when in reality, she works with animals and this had little to do with what we were talking about. I don't mind disagreements. I do mind that she tried to make herself out to be smarter than I am. I then had a major life change, a new house, which she saw on social media and made absolutely no attempt to congratulate me on or see how I am doing. That may seem kind of petty for me to be upset about, but I had so many people ask me about it, and this is a girl I have known nearly 15 years. She is also aware of what I've been experiencing with my family and has not asked how I am at all.

I have not reached out, as I would have in the past, and she has not reached out to me in two months. She would sometimes send things on social media and that has entirely ceased. It's hard, because I considered her my best friend. But looking back I really think she kind of ditched me for her college friends and boyfriend a long time ago.

Is this friendship salvageable? I am of the opinion that it may not be. Has anyone experienced something similar?

[Amy-Rose]

Mine sounds a bit similar so you're not alone.

I lost my best friend to suicide and she was there when I found her. I had a total emotional melt down. Hysterical crying, felt faint, passed out, almost vomited and this "friend" just stood and watched. People from the street, STRANGERS, ran to help me and the paramedics attending the scene, but she just stood there. Looking a bit pale but with a "what's up with her?" confused look on her face.

3 hours later a close relative died in hospital. So two shock deaths in one day. Obviously this friend knew.
She came round mine in the morning I thought to offer me support, care a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, make me a hot drink, a hug, ask if I needed anything, give up her whole day to be with me - I've done all this before for her DESPITE having other plans I cancelled for less serious incidents in her life.
But...nope. She didn't care. No empathy, compassion, understanding...nothing. Not once did she ask how I was or if I needed anything or what happened to my relative. Literally, she just started complaining about how hard her life was and how mistreated by people she was. Then left and never asked about her bereavements again. I have a loss DISMISSED. She has one EPIC topic of the next ten years. Everyone has she know she suffered something.

This has continued, along with bouts of bothering with me when she needs me and not coming near me when she doesn't.

What am I getting from this friendship? Hurt. Aggravation. Being used. Manipulated. Lied to (I'm sure)
She gives me quite a few cheap gifts and occasional takes me out as payment for doing something for her, but I feel that not generosity as it dries up when she's not using me and I also don't think it's appreciation but more bread crumbing and attempting to secure her useful supply.

If I can live without her and be much, MUCH happier. So can you. Your friendship can be saved but the more important question is...is it worth saving?

[intothewest26]

I'm sorry you went through those things. I have experienced the loss of a good friend, who was in a car accident. Loss should not be dismissed. Grief is terrible and it's even more terrible when the people around you react with little to no empathy.

Something I forgot to mention about my former best friend that your experience reminded me of, is that when I was in college, she found her cousin's boyfriend after he had died to suicide.

I think it was quite literally the next day that she traveled to come see me for my twenty-first birthday. We were supposed to go out with some friends. I would have been absolutely okay with her not coming up for obvious reasons, even though it was an important birthday or whatever, obviously that's hugely traumatic. I don't remember what I said to her, but I likely told her I would be OK if she didn't come. But no - she was completely fine. Like, business as usual. No emotional expression whatsoever. Not once did she express sadness for her cousin, who she used to live with, or any sign that she was in the least bit affected by this. Not even a hint of anything, not even after we got home from the restaurant or bar or wherever, and she was at my apartment for several days.

Maybe this is some kind of trauma response. I'd like to think she did have a response and I just didn't see it? Or it came later? I don't know. But I don't understand it. I feel kind of bad for her cousin. I feel kind of personally responsible? Although that wasn't my choice, so I probably should not. 

I think friendships should be based off mutual compassion, empathy and understanding. Took me a while to figure that one out though.