Feeling Hurt and Confused by Friend's Behavior

countrygirl · July 19, 2023, 01:52:12 AM

Hello,

I am hurt by my friend's behavior, and I don't understand what is going on with her. I have tried to find some clarity with her, but that has not happened.

We have a long term friendship and talk every day. It seems that she would be able to speak openly with me.

Her brother had a recent health scare. She called me repeatedly during the scare, even calling me late tonight with some new info. He is out of the woods, and will be returning home soon. He is married, and does not need her to help him. In fact, this procedure allows people to return to work in three or four days.

Today, she said she didn't know which day she would leave. It seemed like a natural segue to ask her when she would be returning, but she was very evasive. Yet when I go away, she always asks when I will return. The last time I went away, for two days, she was texting me before I walked in my door. Today, it sounded as if she might be away for a long tim

I can try to describe this, but what I can't describe well is the weird tone of everything. She seems angry, yet I have shown her so much support. I can what medical advice I could, listened to her for hours and was encouraging, always focusing on the doctor's reassuring and positive prognosis--which turned out to be accurate.

When we were talking tonight, she at one point mumbled something under her breath, and when I asked her to repeat it, she would not. She said that she didn't want "to complicate things." I told her that now I was REALLy wondering what she had said, but then she claimed she didn't remember it.

I suggested taking a brief trip when she returns, and she came up with all manner of excuses for not going. This is something we have done for years, and she has always enjoyed herself.

I have long noted that when her FOO is involved in any way, she starts treating me badly. Why this is, I do not know.

So now I am wondering when someone who I thought of as one of my best friends will be returning. I've actually never been in this particular position before, and I have to say that it doesn't feel good. It is not a comfortable position!

Speaking of not feeling comfortable, I suffer from chronic pain from a horrible back problem, from several of them, actually. My friend knows this, yet is treating me this way.

I asked a close friend what he would do, because I really don't want to go through this. It is the last thing I need. He replied that when people treat him badly, he turns off. But I have a tendency to keep trying, if the bad is balanced by the good in the friendship. I wish I had his self-protective shell. I am going to call my therapist, who will just say that this friend always makes me feel minuscule in comparison to her family.

I don't think I did a great job of describing this situation. Basically, I am confused by her behavior and wonder what it means in terms of our friendship. If she doesn't like me, why does she call and text so often? But if she does like me, why is she acting in such an angry manner, refusing to repeat what she said, really not wanting to go on our usual trip, etc.?

I would love to hear any idea and/or advice any board member might have.

Thanks,
Countrygirl

Catothecat · July 19, 2023, 10:01:36 AM

My first reaction to what you describe, countrygirl, is that your friend is projecting her negative feelings about her family onto you. You mention this seems a common reaction she has when dealing with her family--dealing with them, then treating you badly. There's the possibility she actually wants to deal with them badly, but is in denial about her true feelings, so turns them against you, an easier target. And since she's done it before and you still remain her friend, she can rely on you not to turn against her because of her behavior.

If she's never expressed "issues" with her family, that doesn't mean they don't exist. Many people will either deny or cover up in some way what's truly going on in their families. Is this a possibility? I mean, I think it's natural for someone to put their families above their friends, in terms of where your emotional energies or actions are going in the moment. For example, I wouldn't hesitate to cancel plans with a friend if someone in my family had some type of emergency or need. What I wouldn't do, however, is treat the friend badly afterwards because I had to make that choice.

If your friend is suppressing anger, it can be expressed in this dysfunctional manner. If that's the case, I don't think there's much you can do because until she comes to terms with what's really going on, she's not going to change. Since this is a long time friend, I wouldn't ditch the friend or the friendship until I knew more about what was going on. How much time and effort to put into this attempt at understanding I would balance against the value of the friendship. With someone who is genuinely valued, I think a temporary retreat for your own protection is valid without completely taking yourself out of the situation until you are really sure it's what you want to do. I'm not saying it's okay to be treated badly because you value the friendship--I've gone LC with friends who I genuinely cared about and valued but could no longer tolerate their abusive behaviors. Just, there has to be a balance somewhere and do you think this is something that can be achieved? (And in some people, it simply can't, sad to say).

bloomie · July 19, 2023, 10:07:36 AM

Countrygirl - this does sound like very confusing Push/Pull behaviors.

The question I have, while reading your post, was is this relationship - with these recurring and disconcerting inconsistencies working for you?

You may never know why your friend acts this way at times or is suddenly evasive after burning the phone lines and texting you for days, but what you do know for sure is it hurts and you feel yucky for no reason having done nothing but offer kindness, empathy, and understanding.

I have a huge vulnerability to the sweet/mean, hot/cold, push/pull type of behaviors in relationships. I was groomed to go toward an suddenly distance, uninterested, vaguely menacing parent and try to understand and make whatever unspoken problem better.

Part of my own healing is recognizing this vulnerability and making a different choice - a healthier choice, that puts what is best for me first. If someone behaves consistently inconsistent I know they are not emotionally safe for me.

That doesn't mean I discard them, but it does mean I adjust my expectations and level of contact and engagement with them. And, that's hard, and it is sad, but I am learning to not believe the unspoken messages in this kind of oddness from another person that I have done something wrong, or been too much or too little, or failed them in some way.

Whole, stable enough people do not behave this way toward a kind and loyal friend.

countrygirl · July 19, 2023, 01:05:21 PM

Hi Cat of the Cat and Bloomie,

Thank you both for your replies.

I seem unable to decide what I want to do in this friendship. I at once feel friendship for her, and am hurt by her behavior. I keep trying to find a way to accept her as she is, but that doesn't work, because how she is can be so hurtful.

But just as I can't ignore her hurtful behavior, I can't ignore the part of the friendship which I value. So I am sitting on the fence.

Cat of the Cat, your idea of her projecting her negative feelings for her family onto me is very interesting. My therapist has said that she has placed her sister on a pedestal because she can't allow herself to acknowledge the huge amount of jealousy she feels. And she herself has said that she has a lot of anger toward her mother, which is truly never expressed.

Yes, she feels safe with me, so allows herself to be negative with me. Also, she doesn't care about me as much as she cares about her family. But she's pointed out that since she's been grown she hasn't lived near her family.

Bloomie, I'm sorry to hear that you had the push/pull relationship with a sort of scary parent. I had this with my mother, and it is why I am "triggered" when others treat me this way. I have avoided friendships because I could tell early on that the other person was going to behave in this "Come hither/ Now go away"manner, but this friend had me fooled at first.

I do think she will be out of town for a while, and perhaps I should use it as the perfect time to try to reach SOME resolution and clarity about how I feel. I do grasp that only I can make that decision, but it's making the decision that is so hard. My therapist has said she will never change, and I don't think she will. So I have to decide what I want to do.

I nearly always move at a glacial pace with difficult friendships. I keep trying and trying. This time, I have already bene vocal enough about my issues with her--spoken to her, I mean--that she knows I am unhappy. It's possible that she may decide to end things. It wouldn't surprise me.

At any rate, I so appreciate your advice, not to mention the fact that you were kind enough to share your time with me. I actually feel pretty bereft. I lost my best friend last December, and then lost my favorite family member in March, both suddenly. And I don't know if I am up to facing another loss, but neither am I up to being hurt.

What Bloomie said about stable, whole people not behaving this way is true.

Thank you both again. You are two wise women!

notrightinthehead · July 20, 2023, 12:16:10 AM

Country girl, if your friend is out of town for a while, would you be able to invest time and energy to form some new contacts?
I believe that we need to feel connected with others to be ok, and you have to cope with some losses at this time. And now the complication with your friend. There is a hole in your social connectedness. Can you fill this hole with casual but pleasant, uncomplicated contacts for now? Give your friend some space to sort herself out, while you pursue what is easy, pleasant and uplifting for you for now?

countrygirl · July 20, 2023, 09:52:26 AM

Hi Notright!

Thanks for the good advice.

It has been a bad year with the loss of a beloved friend and my favorite family member. I do have other friends, of varying degrees of closeness. But I definitely miss these two. I so longed to call my close friend, who would have been so supportive and direct about this latest incident. I can hear her saying, "I wouldn't put up with that. It's an insult!"

That friend once said to me, "You're going to miss me when I'm gone." And do I ever. I've posted several close friends, as we all do at some point, but I definitely miss this one the most. People have suggested I write about her, and I think that is something I'm going to do today.

The friend about whom I'm posting is a long term friend with whom there have been ongoing issues. Yesterday, my therapist repeatedly said that this person is a Narcissist. She suggested that while she is away I should use the time to really focus on what I wanted to do about the friendship. To consider whether the good outweighs the bad, or vice versa.

By the way, she did not go yesterday, and when I spoke with her, she didn't mention going today. So I don't know what's up with that, and she probably doesn't either. She tends to "play things by ear," so I assume she's waiting to see how she feels.

I am so tired of feeling like a ping pong balll. Or as Bloomie phrased in th push/pull of this sort of relationship. I suppose that because she's a Narcissist, everything depends upon how SHE's feeling. Of course we all do that to varying degrees, but those of us who aren't Ns do take other people's feelings into account.

Notright, your suggestion about filling the void has also prompted me to write about my dear friend who passed. She came from the very toughest neighborhood in NYC, with a rough rough upbringing, and became an amazing woman. Her family of origin was rough too. Her mom literally sent her into the streets to fight for her when their were disputes. She was basically a victim of the school system too, because she was dyslexic, and teachers assumed she was slow. Actually, she was very quick witted, and she valued the education she never got. Now, all three of her grandchildren got scholarships to some of the country's best schools, and all of them are now launched into what could be truly rewarding careers. Someone should write about her, and I'm going to attempt to do so.

bloomie · July 20, 2023, 12:45:08 PM

Quote from: countrygirl on July 20, 2023, 09:52:26 AMNotright, your suggestion about filling the void has also prompted me to write about my dear friend who passed. She came from the very toughest neighborhood in NYC, with a rough rough upbringing, and became an amazing woman. Her family of origin was rough too. Her mom literally sent her into the streets to fight for her when their were disputes. She was basically a victim of the school system too, because she was dyslexic, and teachers assumed she was slow. Actually, she was very quick witted, and she valued the education she never got. Now, all three of her grandchildren got scholarships to some of the country's best schools, and all of them are now launched into what could be truly rewarding careers. Someone should write about her, and I'm going to attempt to do so.

Countrygirl - Wow! what an inspiring person! It makes so much sense you would be missing her and want to share about her life and light with others. Thank you for sharing a bit of this with us! She sounds like she was trustworthy and the dearest of friends to you!

countrygirl · July 20, 2023, 07:21:06 PM

Thank you so much, Bloomie!

My friend was inspiring. If I write about her, I hope my powers of description are better than my grammar, because I see I wrote "their" for "there.' Ha!

Your generous words about her made me tear up. I miss her so much. I'm going to put my best efforts into remembering her on the page. She would LOVE reading about herself! She was this fine-boned little person, with the personality and heart of a giant.