My story w/uBBDm

[2_exhausted]

Hi-

I am never married, no children, female whom is an only child.. my mom is approaching 90, and I am sure has at least BPD.At the moment she has dementia and is living with her sister.

UBPD M has treated me so poorly, I recognized this when I was 3-5 yrs old, talking to my father about why she was so mean. My father died when I was 11. The years after his death were horrible... she was so waifish, relied on her mom, never really paid any attention to me, except to rage. She was and is extremely concerned about "what other people think". So many bad memories haunt me. She called me ashore at 13, I had not even kissed a boy at that age..she is truly disturbed.

She has ruined (and I allowed) me from marrying my true love in my 20's, basically I have been her puppet forever.. my mental health is not good. I am in bad relationships..

At 24, I bailed her out of her living situation, she hated the neighbors and was about to have a breakdown, so I put my name on a mortgage so she could move. Of course she chooses a house with 2 bedrooms, one bath...even at 24 I knew this had poor resale potential. 30 years later, I am trying to correct 30 years of neglect. Her patent statement anytime I was to do any improvements was "why should I fix up this dump for some bastards to buy". . She loves saying things like that..using the term "prick bastard", which makes me cringe.

This person has told me I was " responsible for being raped, "it was my fault" and " I asked for it". She denies it, but it is true.  When I was in my early teens, she used to rage and use a strange voice and body gestures...it really frightened me...now I name as her acting like Joan Crawford. When she starts up I will say " do not start acting like Joan rouse you Joan voice". This further infuriates her. 

Her health issues are vision in only one eye, lung cancer treated with chemo & radiation (surgery was the true treatment but she was so frail, the refused to operate, I am an OR nurse & knew this would happen), she fractured her hip in December, and is living with my aunt. She smoked for at least 50 years and quit once she had the lung cancer diagnosis. She is also starving herself....she used to be a size 10-12..I know because I would buy her clothing...now she may be a 2? She has stated she wants to die.

After reading certain posts on here, I am very concerned. I live in PA. Plus I do not want to deplete my hard earned money on her.

The reason she left this house was her anger towards me....I have videos of her acting out, it is pure evil.  My enabling aunt  refused to watch the videos. I forced her to listen.. of course my aunt still refuses to acknowledge anything except my mother can get mean.

I need help.

Thank you for reading, if you reached the end...there is just too much background to write.

2_exhausted

[TriedTooHard]

I am so sorry you are going through this and looking back on your past with much regret.  I am not one who can advise you on your legal rights and responsibilities in this situation, but I truly believe you've poured enough care and emotions into your uBPDm.  What more can you do?  Despite all the abuse she's hurled upon you, it still sounds like you are a loving person and worry about her declining condition.   But really, what more can you do?  I say let her stay at your aunt's house.

My troubled parents are about 10-15 years younger than yours, and I've been on and off this site for several years now.  When my parents were younger and in better condition, I started following WomanInterrupted's situation.  It helped me immensely in backing away while I still could.  I know you are in the thick of things with your mother and aunt, but there was a recent thread where WomanInterrupted discussed all of the legalities of involving adult protective services. 

In the meantime, I see that you have a couple of good things going for you - a house and a very respected job.  I hope you are able to concentrate on your job.
I'm not sure how the market is in your area, but I live in a densely populated area of the U.S. and small single family houses are very marketable.  I know for a fact that they're selling quite easily, because people are fed up with high association fees and too many rules.  I have one myself that I thought I should get rid of a few years ago, when my husband became ill, and a very ethical real estate woman encouraged me to stay and get it fixed up modestly and start hiring help, instead of trying to maintain it by myself.  I am so glad I followed her advice - its less costly than association fees.

I am entering that age where I'm starting to look back and regret wasted youth, especially all the waste caused by dealing with a very dysfunctional family and following all of their bad advice and bad decision making.  Just look at my name here:  TriedTooHard.  I know its easier said than done, but these days, the only thing I'm trying is to focus on the rest of my life here on earth and the small, baby steps I can take to find some peace and happiness.  Can you start by transforming your home into a place of peace and healing, now that your mother is out?

Please please please don't let her overshadow the next chapter of your life.  I'm one to talk.  Writing this out is helping me remember to follow my own advice.

[Andeza]

You've been through a lot of horrible, horrible things. It's clear you've suffered at her hands for far too long.  I'm sorry she's treated you so badly, that she doesn't validate you or the trauma you've endured. I hope you can fix the house up and sell it, since she's living with her sister now. I'm not familiar with PA's laws concerning aging parents but I remember reading something that made me glad I don't live there. I would, if I were you, document all the improvements you make and take before and after shots to show how much she let the place fall apart since it is your name on the deed (I assume).

I too was an only child (i.e. almost only target for the crazy eyes), however I left, started my own family, and surrounded myself with healthy relationships. It's never too late to find happiness in something, please don't tell yourself that or let yourself fall into a hole so deep you feel like you can't climb back out. We are here for support! 

My uBPDM let her younger sister move in with her (I might have to evict her one day, we'll see) but for now I'm happy to let things be as they are because she keeps M company, they're both quite crazy, and M's encroaching dementia (she's over 60 and tries to make everyone believe it's worse than it actually is) means she really shouldn't be alone for long periods of time. Aunt buys groceries, keeps up her part of the house, and M complains about her little sister driving her nuts. Match made in heaven...

[Thru the Rain]

My heart goes out to you. You didn't deserve to have these things happen in your life!

The only advice I have - and it's the same advice I've given in person in different circumstances - go have a consultation with a lawyer to understand your rights.

I have never taken any legal action against anyone, but have many times paid a consulting fee for a lawyer to give me advice on whatever issue I was confronting. This covers everything from getting out of a non-compete agreement at work, to a dispute with a difficult neighbor, to short-selling a house back in the big downturn of 2008.

I have never regretted having a lawyer take an hour of time to tell me what my rights are, what laws apply, and usually some next steps I may want to take.

You can ask a lawyer about your rights to the house, under what circumstances can you sell, what notice do you owe your M. And probably a dozen other things that a local lawyer will know.

Any lawyer I've ever spoken to was willing to set a rate up front for a consultation. So for a fairly small fee, you can gain some priceless peace of mind.

Good luck. You deserve to have this resolved and not hanging over your head.