Stop Walking on Eggshells (problem paragraph)

[SonofThunder]

So I started reading the book 'Stop Walking on Eggshells'. On page 50 there is a paragraph I have a disagreement with. It states;

"Before concluding that BPD is responsible for your loved one's strong response, ask yourself if your behavior triggered a natural human reaction. Let's say you cope with BPD behavior by spending as much time as possible away from home. You work late, and when you come home, you barely speak to the person with BPD. You may be trying to protect yourself, which is understandable. However, if your distancing triggers abandonment fears and acting out, you may need to take a look at how your own actions are affecting the situation."

The problem I have with this is that I (the non) have to protect myself by being more distant/no JADE/MC and it surely works well, but my uPDw notices the change in me and is now commenting to me that I have changed and she doesn't like it.  Yes I have changed, as I'm not 'caretaking' any longer but rather balancing (well 51% rule to be accurate) my care for myself with my care for her.  But she's used to me giving up my own desires to pamper her before I came Out of the FOG. 

If my non-caretaking (although balanced) is 'triggering abandonment fears and acting out' (the authors wording), that is NOT MY PROBLEM.  The author, in my opinion, puts the reader in a lose/lose situation because the non needs to protect her/himself, and not doing the distance/No Jade/MC tools will simply lead to acting out, more abuse and more 'walking on eggshells' for the non. In my opinion the responsibility for abandonment fears and acting out lies truly in the lap of the PD and my responsibility to love my uPDw in balance with loving myself lies truly in my own lap. 

If the PD can't handle a healthy balance (or change to a more balanced approach), then I bear no responsibility for that. 

SoT

[notrightinthehead]

The way I understand the paragraph is, that PDs can also have a normal human reaction, i.e. when faced with withdrawal from their partner, they fear abandonment. Like most normal humans would do.  I don't think it tries to put blame on you or make you change your coping mechanism. The authors only try to highlight that how you behave affects your partner, PD or not.
I agree that when you use MC, JADE,  the dynamics are changed and you become less of a supply. So you affect your wife and the relationship. It becomes less volatile, less unpredictable and less satisfactory to your wife. You are tipping the scale.

[all4peace]

I can understand why you're triggered by this. It's an argument I've had in my head many times. I wish I could have understood the core fear of abandonment, and accommodated it, but then I realize that all we did was accommodate it until we were in a lot of emotional pain. Trying to get enough space to feel safe triggered all sorts of reactions in the uNBPD, which of course made us seek even more space and safety.

It's a terrible cycle, a painful dynamic, and in the end all I could choose was self protection and protection of my family, while understanding it feels like abandonment to the uNBPD. I'm thankful that my body symptoms were so painful and constant that I really didn't have a choice by that point.

I support your need for space. When dealing with a BPD, it's hard to find any better way to cope. I cannot even imagine what it must be like to be in daily contact with this disorder in a partner relationship. Strength and peace to you.

[Spring Butterfly]

The book is not something I've read personally but I do wonder if they recommend then how to communicate? In other words I have heard things like validating statements followed by a simple statement of what you can or cannot do. Something like "I know you'd like to spend more time with me when I get home but I need some quiet time to unwind from the work day."

Personally there's options other than accommodating and walking on eggshells that may or may not trigger abandonment. Another words we can try alternative ways of communicating but sometimes there's nothing that could be done to alleviate triggering abandonment.

One of the things I tried with uPDm was to say things like "I know you'd like to have lunch everyday but I have some appointments that need attention for a while" but even the thought of a temporary disruption to the desired routine was enough to upset the apple cart. At least I walked away from the exchange having giving it my best attempt at normal communication.

So does the book recommend exactly how to approach communicating without walking on eggshells?