"Stop Caretaking The Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstand, PhD

[headinblender]

 I just finished an excellent book that came out this year (2013), was only available in hardback, but is well worth the price. Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, How to End the Drama and Get on With Your Life, by Margalis Fjelstad, PhD. It is published by Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.
ISBN 978-1-4422-2018-8 and ISBN 978-1-4422-2019-5 (electronic)

She paints a clear picture of the way BP/NP's view the world in a list of their 10 "basic needs and feelings." She says their feelings are absolute facts to them, are as intense as an infant's and are always someone else's fault. They assume we think like them, are anxious about everything not under their control and if we aren't constantly focused on them, they feel nonexistent. They have little or no concept of the passed or future, only the present moment is real to them.

She explains why they need a caretaker, how we got into that role, how to nurture ourselves, and ways to communicate with them that helps ease their anxiety.

Having read this book, I now understand that my uNPD has a serious mental illness and I need to let go of certain expectations. I found chapter 16 priceless- "Change-Creating Skills with the BP/NP." She explains boundary setting in a way that finally makes sense to me.

This is one I'll read again and again till it soaks in.

[puff]

Thanks so much for posting the review of this book.  I immediately purchased it from Amazon and read it using the cloud reader so I wouldn't have to worry about BPDh seeing the book.  This is one of the best books I have read thus far about disordered people, what the mental illness does to the loved ones who are impacted, and how to move forward.  Excellent book!

[Serenity_now]

Thanks for sharing this info about the book. After reading the following description on the web (copy and pasted below), I was extremely intrigued and bought it in hard cover to read today. I'll reply back again after reading it in its entirety in a few weeks to give my own impression of the content.

Thanks again for sharing the info headinblender, for I didn't even know this book existed and had just come out this year. It'll certainly be a good read since my FOO is infested with uBDP and NPDs. My uBDP and NPD mother and  enmeshed codependent dad are text book and not just uncomfortable to be around, but impossible to be around. There is no helping them, but I like to read what ever I can to enlighten myself and remind myself that going NC was the right choice. Maybe the book will help me navigate around some of the FOO (aka flying monkeys) that keep pestering me 

"People with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorders have a serious mental illness that primarily affects their intimate, personal, and family relationships. Often they appear to be normally functioning at work and in public interactions, and Narcissists may even be highly effective, in the short term, in some work or social situations. However, in intimate relationships, they can be emotional, aggressive, demeaning, illogical, paranoid, accusing, and controlling –in the extreme. Their ability to function normally or pleasantly can suddenly change in an instant, like flipping a switch. These negative behaviors don't happen once in a while, they happen almost continuously in their intimate relationships and most often, and especially with their Caretaker family member.

Here, Margalis Fjelstad describes how people get into a Caretaker role with a Borderline or Narcissist, and how they can get out. Caretakers give up their sense of self to become who and what the Borderline or Narcissist needs them to be. This compromises the Caretaker's self-esteem, distorts their thinking processes, and locks them into a Victim-Persecutor-Rescuer pattern with the Borderline or Narcissist. The book looks at the underlying rules and expectations in these relationships and shows Caretaker's how to move themselves out of these rigid interactions and into a healthier, more productive, and positive lifestyle – with or without the Borderline/Narcissistic partner or family member. It describes how to get out of destructive interactions with the Borderline or Narcissist and how to take new, more effective actions to focus on personal wants, needs, and life goals while allowing the Borderline or Narcissist to take care of themselves. It presents a realistic, yet compassionate, attitude toward the self-destructive nature of these relationships, and gives real life examples of how individuals have let go of their Caretaker behaviors with creative and effective solutions."

[MakingChanges]

Thanks for the info.  I'm going to check out the book too.  The subject rings near and dear to my heart as I try to change behaviors in myself that enable these PD partners to set root in my life. 

[headinblender]

...what the mental illness does to the loved ones who are impacted, and how to move forward.  Excellent book!

You are so welcome. I'm glad you found it helpful. I've been so focused on him, (as an NPD, he demands that), I didn't realize how much his behavior was affecting me! As she points out, even our breathing is impacted. I'll catch myself taking shallow breaths, (because I'm 'on guard'), and give myself permission to take massive intakes of air!

I feel like I understand him much better now, too. I'm more detached, but in a healthy way, more accepting that his illness is permanent.. part of his every thought and action.

Having that understanding is helping me focus on caring for my own needs, knowing that he can never fill them, he just doesn't have the facility to reach outside of himself. He is truly self-centered, but it his illness that makes him so.

[Elizabeth Anne]

Thank you for excellent reviews - so good that I intend to purchase A.S.AP

[Nicholas]

This is a terrific book. Pretty expensive even on Kindle, but well worth it. I'm able to understand my role as caretaker and how I got here.

[TiredOne]

Someone mentioned this book in a post, and I immediately looked it up. I've just started reading it and am only about 30 pages in, but it's like the author has been taking notes on my life! I find a bit of validation and understanding in this book that I have previously only found on these forums.

I can't wait to read the part about getting out from under the caretaker role. Things have to change, and I just don't know how to make that happen. With this book, I understand a bit better why I find it so hard to make any change.

[bourdon]

I ordered this book from the library, and by 5 pages in, decided I'm going to spend the money for my own copy. There's some things that I am chafing at/do not think apply to me, but: this is me. What a tremendously helpful book. Thank you all for the reviews & sneak peeks that convinced me to get it.

[grizzled]

Just finished it.  I will be going back and re-reading parts. 


For the first time in my memory I feel positive and hopeful.  I will be reccomending it to anyone dealing with PDs.  Incredible read.   

[flibbertigibbet]

Thanks to all for this great book recommendation! 

When I was a teenager, I told my parents I was having thoughts of hurting myself.  AT my very first session with the T chose, he insisted that my parents come in and participate.  He recognized right away that my family was uber-dysfunctional.  So we all ended up in family therapy coupled with individual sessions.   

As it turns out, that T was a bit of a kook.  He didn't believe in drugs (wish I knew then...) and treated everything as repressed anger.  "That cigarette is just you sucking in your anger!" or "When he/she does that, they're really saying FU."  In hindsight, whether his approach was right or wrong, learning to express my feelings better probably kept me killing myself. 

Nice story, but what's the point, right?  Well here is the takeaway from that regarding Dr. Fjelstad's book...  I AM PROOF THAT THE METHODS SHE DESCRIBES WORKED FOR ME ALREADY. 

After reading this book, it is now crystal clear that my mother is/was a 100% According-to-Holye's NPD.  The part about the reversed roles of children and their BP/NP parents (kids being more responsible than parents) was especially chilling.  She refers to Dr. Bowen's theory that if one member of the family changes, the other members will change by default.  27 years ago, that first T actually read to me a paragraph from that section in one of Dr. Bowen's books.  And he was dead right. 

I don't know if my mother ever changed as far as seeing herself as part of the problem.  But I definitely changed, and as a result, her behavior toward me changed.  I stopped worrying about her demands and started to do what I wanted because it was what I wanted.  I learned all her techniques (button-pushing) to start a fight (sometimes between me and my sis or dad).  I could see them coming and had myriad ways to shut it down instantly.  As a result, I learned to love to my mother from a distance (I call it "from behind the glass").  I accepted that her love would always come with conditions.  As a result, I have maintained a relationship with my mother through all these years.  Sadly, I ended up "marrying my mother." 

So, I'm excited about this book.  I know from experience that the techniques can and do work.  Now that I'm armed with the book, I can explain some of the sick rationales (rationale denotes logic and reason; maybe "irrationales" should become a word) for my SOs crazy behavior.  She covers different and and healthier ways to handle the problems.   

After reading this book, I am feeling far less hopeless about my current situation. 

[mindcirkus]

I too "married my mother." I often wonder how this could happen. I got grew up, and got out of that house as fast as I could, and right into the arms of my BPD wife. Mind boggling to say the least.

I understand a lot more after this book but, it still boggles the mind.

[Jojozep]

I love this book.  I'm reading it for the second time.  IMO it's a must read for anyone who has a close relationship with a PD.

[TiredOne]

I finally finished the book and am started right back at the beginning again. I think this is a "must read" for anyone who has even the slightest caretaker tendency - regardless of the presence of a BPD or NPD in their life. I've learned so much about myself from this book. I feel like I finally see what is really going on in my life and why I have landed in similar situations in a lot of relationships.

There is a really great section that talks to what you can control and what you can't and how to better manage those things. I've been so emotionally defeated thinking that I can't control anything. I think we've all heard this many many times ("don't worry about what you can't control"), but I don't think I ever really understood the heart of it until I read this book. I'm learning to let things go that I have no control over because I understand it now. I'm also learning to create my own happiness, and how to take control of some of the things I thought I had no control over. It is so much harder said then done, but I think I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

There is a section that speaks to how a caretaker looks at a BPD / NPD relationship by comparing it with the different steps of grief. I realized that I was stuck and could not really ever get to the point of acceptance. Yes, there are things that I can't control, but there were some things that I was not controlling because I was paralyzed in the FOG.

For quite some time now, my life has been anxiety-filled chaos where most of my time was spent fretting over so many things, beating myself up for many different reasons, and wondering on a regular basis if I should just leave my H. Now I'm in a much calmer place where I try not to spend any effort on the things I can't control. Instead, I spend most of my effort trying to figure out what makes me happy and how to get more of that in my life. I've realized that the defeatist attitude I had before was actually putting me in the situations that I despised so much. This has become so much more than "should I leave my husband?". I'm now trying to figure out who I want to be and how I want to live. Once I get to that point, there may or may not be room for the BPD / NPD relationships in my life, but to be honest, I have bigger fish to fry right now...that part will work itself out once I know where I want to be in life for myself.

It seems a bit dramatic, but this book really has changed my perspective and my life.

[MakingChanges]

Tired one--  thank you for writing your opinion on the book.  I'm going to order it today for myself.  What I get most from your post is that whatever this book has said to you, has caused you to focus life on yourself.  And that's something that I think most of us are missing on this forum.  We're so obsessed with what's wrong with "them", that we don't look at what's wrong with us.  We can't change "them", but we can change us.  That's all we have power over in this life.  Us. 

I've read so many posts on this forum, including my own, that completely focus on us examining our partner's behaviors.  We've become so codependent in this dysfunctional R/S, that we've lost focus on our own identities, dreams, goals, etc.  I'm also trying hard to get my attention refocused on myself.  And I actively and out loud say to myself often "keep your hands off other's problems".  Without being asked, I will quickly jump into solving other's dilemmas in life.  I'm trying hard now to recognize when I'm doing this so I can actively stop myself.  And if I am asked to help out with someone's problems, I need to learn how to not enmesh myself into the mess.  That's harder for me now.  How to help out, without taking over.  It's a continual learning process.

[ontheroad]

I case there is any doubt- I will add my review. Excellent book- I read it six months ago, it was the key to opening the locked door and walking through.
I have passed it on to another in need in December.

[TiredOne]

How to help out, without taking over.  It's a continual learning process.

I struggle so much with this one! I just started reading "I don't have to make everything all better". I'm not very far into it yet, but the author has made quite a few points around how to let other's own their own problems. I really have trouble figuring out what to say now that I'm trying not to own something that isn't mine to own. So far, it seems that the author gives some pretty good solutions to this.

I case there is any doubt- I will add my review. Excellent book- I read it six months ago, it was the key to opening the locked door and walking through.
I have passed it on to another in need in December.

What an excellent way to put it - I do feel like I've been able to walk through that locked door. My perspective has totally changed. I even look back at some of my old posts (especially the ones where I'm clearly looking for validation) and think, "who was that person?". I love the way you put it!

[Nicholas]

The "locked door" analogy is excellent. I purchased the book a little over two months ago, and here I am now, living in my own apartment and focused on caretaking myself and not the uNPD. I've read so many self-help and relationship books over the past five years, and this was the one that really made me do something. The rest seemed to lock me into that situation, thinking I was helpless to deal with the issue.

[OpenHeart]

After reading everyone's comments, I have downloaded this book from Amazon.  I've been working with a counselor who has worked with personality disorders in the past (I insisted that whoever my HMO assigned me to MUST have a good PD background and they actually delivered on this) and shared finding this website with her.  Perhaps - and hopefully - this book will complement what I'm doing in counseling.  I'll post an update in a couple of weeks. 

[TiredOne]

Spence26 - I hope this book opens doors for you like it did for the rest of us. I shared it with my T, and she said it was spot on in descriptions of how and why PD's do what they do, and ESPECIALLY in how and why caretakers do what they do. I've read a bunch, but this one made me see how to come Out of the FOG. Best wishes!