Ever since a few years into my marriage, I remember it especially when pregnant with my first child now 28, this feeling or low anxiety that I'm not busy enough - not doing enough - not completing enough. It became a worry throughout my marriage to the point where I would pace or check myself against my OCPDxh and try to keep and or look busy when he was around. I could never truly rest or relax or take a break - not even when I was going through chemo.
During the pandemic when I lived alone I didn't feel it. But my son moved back and a little crept in - that old Mom do the laundry make dinner kind of thing. This week there have been a few back and forth texts with my ex over finances (he was quibbling over $12) and this evening that feeling came roaring back. I found myself restless and uneasy at sitting on the back porch reading a book. I kept getting up and pacing, washing dishes, cleaned my already clean floor, straightened an already clean living room, paid a bill that isn't due for a month and so on. I just couldn't sit still.
On my third washing of dishes today (i swear that boy creates too many glasses) it hit me why and what I was doing. The anxiety and feeling is just an egg shell behavior that I developed in response to my ex's hypervigilance and spying.
Gosh, darn it. How easy that behavior slipped back.
I've had many conversations with my therapist about my future plans to travel and she is very encouraging. She told me very pointedly that living here would just be one trigger after another - that I need new experiences to prove my independence and strength. New behaviors. She's right.
So, I settled back on my bed and the book is ready to start again. I poured another glass of wine and in my head, I'm blowing a raspberry at my ex.
And next time you pop by the bathroom mirror, look at yourself, smile gently, and say "I am enough."
Check your posture too, see if you slouch when these feelings creep in, then straighten up and say "I am enough."
Because you are. :bighug: :yourock:
Andezs, I was gonna say just that!