Paying for things, yet never being a part of it

[athene1399]

I wasn't sure what to title this. I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster lately. Usually I get mad about stuff, but today I am sad. I'm sure a lot of you have been/are going through this. I wasn't sure how you process.

I've posted a lot about how SO and I buy stuff for SD. We've bought every dress for every dance she does to, yet never get to see her in the dress because she always gets ready at BMs. SO and I just see one picture of SD in the dress. We have never been there to see her off. I know SO and I put out needs and wants on the back burner to make sure SD has what she needs and to make sure we don't rock BM's boat. But this week will be SD's last dance of high school. Once again, we won't see her off but dropped hundreds on her dress (which was our choice and we would do it again). I just feel that we pay for all this stuff and BM reaps the benefits. We make it happen, yet don't get to be apart of it (not in a "I want to go to the dance and be a part of it like a creeper" but it would be nice to see her off just once). And I know SD appreciates all we do for her, I just suddenly realize I have this need that will never be met and I don't know what to do with that. Like it just hit me right now. I want to be a part of that and have never been able to be.

Would it be weird to ask if we can be there when she is ready to leave to take pics outside? Or to see if she's planning on doing pics anywhere and ask if we can be there? Or do I just suck it up and be sad? I never know what we are allowed to do/ask for.

[Stepping lightly]

Hi Athene,

This is totally understandable, and I know we feel the very same way.  You know your situation best, but I think it's totally reasonable to ask for pictures with her before the dance.  It can't hurt to ask right?  Just be prepared that SD may say no, and that will sting, but at least you tried.  Honestly, if you don't ask, she may not realize it's important to you.

Although these events are sad to miss, we have to step back and remember that the relationship with these children/young adults is a marathon.  You are investing in a long term relationship with her, especially when she hopefully is able to step out of BM's constant fog and see what a blessing she has in you and her dad.  I had this discussion with DH last night.  He was heartbroken with the realization of the garbage BM is ingraining in DSD, really unkind and manipulative behaviors.  He had a talk with her, but felt like it didn't matter.  I reminded him that he needs to hold on to the hope that these discussions are somehow going to matter in the long run, because if you don't at least hope for that, what's the point?

[Magnolia34]

Athene,

This seems so disappointing and you have every right to feel sad. I feel like it's pretty normal for kids to make several stops before dances for pictures so surely she would understand if you asked her to come by your house as well? If not, maybe they'll all be going to another house (not BM's) for a more "neutral" location? Good luck and know that you're doing the right thing and giving your SD experiences she'll attribute to you and your H one day.

[HotCocoa]

Yes, I would ask if they were doing pics at a third party location, very common for the kids to get together to do that with other friends.  I would push that a little bit and really request that you want to see her before the dance in her dress.  jmho.

[Latchkey]

Hi athene1399,
I've been a stepmom to 3 boys and I'm also a mom to two daughters who are fairly recently graduated and went to multiple high school dances. I've seen stepmoms and moms co-existing peacefully enough at these photo events but it's always awkward. You sound like a really awesome stepmom figure to have in her life.
Honestly, for the kids, it's more about how their instagram or facebook posts than anything else it seems. these days. I dropped hundreds on hair, make-up, shoes and of course the dress but my daughters focus was never me and it seemed an ever shifting photo location and line-up up until literally the last 30 minutes (my D's went to a big high school and boyfriends and girlfriends changed over the days and minutes leading up the event.)
I think your SO's D would be happy to share photos with you especially if you or her Dad ask from the heart with no expectations that you'll see her in person on the day of. If you do get to see her consider it a true bonus moment in your relationship.
Latchkey

[athene1399]

I talked to SO about it, and he wanted to be there too. He and SD were together later yesterday and she actually asked him if we wanted to be there for pictures before he had the chance to ask.    It's a neutralish enough location. I'm not going to complain. I'm excited I get to finally see her before the dance. I never get to see her in these dresses aside from when she tries them on at the store. I am lucky she wanted us to be a part of this. And I think you guys are right, a lot of parents come to take pictures so it's not weird us wanting to be there.

SO even checked in with SD to make sure she doesn't need anything else from him for the dance, and asked her specifically if she needed money to get her hair done. She said everything is all set as far as she knows. So If BM brings up anything while we are there about not being able to pay for SD's hair we will politely let her know that we checked with SD and everything appeared to be all set. Would it be terrible to add in a "don't offer to take care of it and tell SD you can do it if you can't."? 

This is a little off this thread's topic, but I also discussed with SO that I am literally done with BM's BS.  SO jokingly (but seriously) said he's felt that way for the last ten years. But he's going to contact his L and see if there's anything we can do to cut BM out of the health insurance equation. I'm sick of her scams and just sick of everything to do with her in general. I'm really hoping there's a legal way we can get full responsibility of SD's medical. BM will never pay for her half and if we keep it as is she will sneak out and get stuff done for SD, lie about what she pays, and demand we reimburse her for half even though she owes us (she will create an excuse why she shouldn't pay us back for what we've already paid). And if we demand proof she didn't get reimbursed by the secondary insurance, drama that I don't want to deal will will ensue. So why don't we change it so we legally pay for all of it and not have to expect anything from BM? And that way she can't try to scam us because we will be in charge of paying for it.  I'm hoping the L will have a good, cheap option (one that won't result in a ton of court fees. But at this point I will gladly get a second job to afford it). I've no idea what pushed me over the edge, but I just hate how everyone is attempting to move on and BM is staying right where she is (even moving backwards at times) and trying to pull us all under.  I'm hoping by the end of the summer I can pretend she doesn't exist. 

[athene1399]

The pictures went well. I guess there were more pictures at the next location that BM went to (we weren't told about it), but at least we got the be a part of round 1 of pictures. I was excited to see SD in her dress with her hair done up. Small victory. It was totally worth it. 

BM started texting SO about money for the hair when we were on the way. He basically said [paraphrasing] "I didn't realize we were splitting everything. Here's how much I paid for the dress and limo." That shut her down right away (I was surprised). She came back with a sob story and said it was too bad we wouldn't give her money for the hair.  But she dropped it pretty quickly. But the next day she wanted more gas money. I think SO just ignored that text. I have a feeling a blowout is on the horizon, but we are planning how to talk to SD about it. If her staying with BM will start to be an issue, we were going to ask to have her stay here for at least half the time. I don't know how that will go though, but who knows. I just know we will not be giving BM anymore gas money. It would just enable her to keep being irresponsible. And she's not our responsibility anyway. SD is. And we are taking care of SD and helping her out with the extras. But that will be another thread for another day.

Thank you again for everyone's kind words and support. It's meant a lot. 

[Stepping lightly]

Hi Athene,

So glad you guys were able to see SD and get some pictures- that's terrific!

I love SO's response to the money for the hair!  I would ignore all of BM's requests for money.  If there is money needed for something for SD, it goes directly to whomever needs to be paid, or SD herself.  Is SO still paying child support?    At some point, your financial stability is important too, and SO is not eternally responsible for her (although I think PDs have a hard time with that concept).

[athene1399]

SO is the custodial guardian and he never filed to receive child support. it is only official that BM does the insurance and we split all the medical cost (which equates to we pay for the medical up front and never get reimbursed from BM as she always has an excuse, but the second she does anything she expects half lol) Back in Oct though, SD decided she wanted to stay with BM. She's been staying there but we drop off groceries to keep BM happy. Anything SD needs we pay for (like with school/college extras). We usually take her to the doctor/dentist appointments. So we try to keep it to only paying for something if we can pay it directly or SD asks us for it. BM recently thinks that we should pay her gas even though she's the one volunteering to drive SD. It's so annoying. SO and I are trying to figure out a way to go NC with BM. I'm hoping we can cut her out. She doesn't pay for half of the stuff she's required to and is constantly brainstorming scams to get us to pay her instead (even though she still owes us). I want to try to make it so SO (and me unofficially) are solely responsible for the medical. Since the courts put BM in charge of the insurance, it's been a nightmare. We don't want half from her because we'll never get it. We want it so she's not allowed to pay for anything and if she does that's on her, we won't split it. I don't know if we can do that. I'm keeping my fingers crossed there's a solution. We're trying to schedule a consult with the L.

[Latchkey]

So glad to hear the pictures worked out! It's amazing how quickly this all becomes a memory. I don't miss paying all the extras for these high school things but it's great she went to Prom and enjoyed herself.
Hope the summer is less crazy for all. My D's usually work during the summer and that helps with money for small things. I hope your SD is able to start getting more independent. I have a friend, former babysitter for me, who learned the hard way as she got older, that her BPD-Alcoholic mother (and father) were not trustworthy in regards to money. My young friend had to get her own bank account and move out in order to be safe. I hope your SD starts to see the patterns and learns some boundary setting. I think any way you and her Dad can role model money boundaries with mom openly and with honesty will help her see that she can too.

[cant turn back]

So glad you got to go to the picture thing, as you should.
Earlier this year our DD15 asked me if I was coming to the picture thing for her dance.  (Like 20 kids, 40 parents, neutral restaurant location).  I said Yes of course, haven't ever missed it, wouldn't miss it this time.  She said "oh, dad wanted to come and he never gets to come". 
(Such a manipulator, very clearly to me he is playing the victim, total martyrdom to our DD15).
I told her that he was more than welcomed to be there and that it was totally fine with me, but that I wasn't going to not come because he wanted to come, that we should be able to exist at the same location for her event.  She dropped it without further comment.  I think partially because she doesn't really care that much she just wants to hang with her friends and partially because she knows her dad is ridiculous.  He didn't attend.  I was in one sense thrilled to not have to deal with him yet on the other hand heartbroken that he can't be a mature adult for the sake of his daughter and that he puts her in the middle to be his negotiator.

[cant turn back]

Also..
When my ExH was sending me ticky-tac bills for day to day items, I replied by pointing out all the things I had paid for over the recent months, not asking for him to contribute, way in excess of what he had put out, and I pointed out how burdensome and petty it was going to be to keep track of day to day expenses and be constantly reimbursing each other.  I let him know that as a general rule if it was less than $100 I was just paying for things on my own, but if it got to be more than that I would email him and ask for half.  (For clarification, we can both easily manage day to day items and typical expenses).
He responded by telling me he is not a mind reader, he didn't know, and that I'm a terrible communicator. 
Still makes me laugh, like, it's still my fault... I'm sorry I can't prompt you every single time a situation arises on how to be a rational, normal, cooperative person, rather than this deficit being his responsibility, I am STILL at fault for having not told him what to do.
I tried for 30 years.  I failed to affect a change in him.  My bad.
OVER IT !!

[athene1399]

Latchkey- I think SD knows how irresponsible BM is with money (thank God!). I guess she lectures BM about money sometimes (BM tells us she hates it, thinks SD should focus on "being a kid" even though she's 18 and graduating). It's good and bad. I hate that SD has to fall in the parenting role for her own mother. But the good news is she only let her mom borrow money a few times from her own account. I'm not sure if she didn't get paid back or just didn't want to do it again, but it's good that didn't last.  I was real worried about that. SD's also going to dorm the first semester. We left the choice up to her and she really wanted to do it. I want her to learn that she can be independent and to learn she can exist away from BM. BM doesn't really want SD to be independent from what I've seen. I hope SD enjoys independence and that helps her to grow too.

CTB- I'm glad you got your pictures too! BM has done stuff like that where she makes a big stink about wanting to be included then never shows. She did that with open house at the university SD is attending. SD fist asked just us only, then BM said how she wished she could go and really wanted to be there. SD asked if BM could go and we said yes. Then she never showed. We asked SD where she was and she said "working." Then we dropped SD off a bit earlier than planned and BM was still at home. We felt the same: thrilled we didn't have to deal with her, yet sad that she made a big deal about coming then never showed and lied about why she wasn't there.

And with the items... Ugh! The current order is we are to split medical expenses only. SD goes to SO if she needs anything. SO also drops off food. And we don't ask to split any of the school supplies, clothes, college courses she took in high school, the money we give her to do things with friends because we know BM won't split it. But the second she spends a tiny amount of money for a non-essential that we could have bought hassle-free ourselves, she expects us to split it. Like she offered to have her friend do SD's hair, so SD assumed it was all good. Nope. BM expected half of what she paid. Didn't care how much we already spent on prom. BM doesn't tell us it's our fault for not sending over everything we buy like your ex, but the second we tell her what we've paid for and ask to split everything, she gives a sob story as to why she can't pay. She does that for the medical expenses we're supposed to split too. Then she tries to run a scan so she doesn't have to pay us back for the medical (tries to find ways around it, drops money on something else and says what she owes us should even out, etc). I swear BM wants SO to support her as if he were still her H. It sounds like your ex wants you to be his mother. lol 

[Penny Lane]

H recently opened savings accounts for the kids and as soon as BM found out they came home asking "can we take money out of our account at mom's house?" Fortunately he set it up so she can't take money out of the accounts without him knowing. I could just see her draining all their hard-earned savings to go to the bar. I'm worried that they'll start giving her money when they're teens - I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

I swear BM wants SO to support her as if he were still her H.

I'm always amazed when DH tells me what BM has asked him to pay for. Like, she lied to him in order to get him to trade her time so that she could have the kids during her housewarming party after the divorce. Then she asked him for money for the party.  Fortunately most of those requests had died down after I came into the picture.

On a happier note, I'm so glad you got to take the pictures! Gotta take those victories where you get them!

[athene1399]

Penny,

The bank account thing wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I'm sure that's different in every scenario, but hopefully it will be the same for you. We did talk to SD about not lending money to anyone, not even SO (Because we couldn't say BM). We basically said it's you're money and don't say "yes" to lending it out because you feel bad for someone because they may not pay you back and that goes for family and close friends too. So hopefully you're step-kids will see BM's problems and understand that it is their own money and not her additional funds for drinking.

That's too funny about the party. Terrible, yet funny (in a "it's so ridiculous" way). I guess when you don't understand boundaries you expect to be able to ask for anything from anyone. That's probably why they ask. And it's all out their needs not ours. Like BM won't split what we buy (for what the CO says we need to split), yet expects us to split what she buys if it's something extra (and not required by the CO to split). We get the requests when BM's very desperate. It seems to happen a few times a year. I don't think they'll go away unless we block her. She like a bad penny; She keeps coming back. lol