Hi All,
I just wanted to share a future goal I am so excited about!
For the longest time I've wanted to have my own home, a sacred, SAFE space, where my PD FOO can't find me, harass me, assault me.
For years they have shown up at random times unannounced, sometimes they've just come in, shouted at me, given me unwanted random furniture. I've generally coped with this by moving, by not staying someplace too long. I've grown tired of this, its been a long running habit. I'm so sick of their sense of entitlement to stalk me. I'm so sick of feeling like I have to hide, live like a fugitive, and to miss out on things I want (like my own home). It's appalling that they have done this to me for so long, and I'm heartily sick of it!!!
I earn enough, I have enough savings, I want a place to call my own.
My barriers in the last few years were emotional rather than practical, but I've worked through them, and now I'm ready :)
Anyway, I'm so excited about it, but I'm taking my first, tentative steps towards this goal. Its a concrete goal, and I'm taking concrete steps (no pun intended with the housing metaphor). And I'm so, so excited!!!
I'm hoping to reach this goal in the next 6 months. I'm going to post here on my progress, hope that's okay :) And yes, I'm keeping all this secret from my FOO, who are obsessed with stalking me.
JollyJazz - this is so exciting! What a huge step to realize a long held dream of a place of your very own! Can't wait to follow your updates. :chickendance:
I love my little narrow boat home. I feel safe and happy. Looking forward to having friends round again after Covid.
Good luck with your plans 😃
Awww... thanks Bloomie and Boat Babe!!!
Thanks for your support and encouragement!!! :)
Yes, I'll definitely keep posting here!
At the moment I'm thinking of a tiny house, for a couple of reasons:
1) I'm not in the ideal city that I want to live in long term, but there is a special government grant here for a first home - if you live in it for at least 6 months, so buying a tiny home means I can buy one here and potentially move it later
2) Being able to move the tiny house means that I can move it to another location that I would like to live in long term, or if my FOO manages to find me - so I can feel extra safe knowing I can physically move my house :)
3) I've always dreamt of having a lovely little cottage, just for me - I had absolutely no private space growing up - my room was constantly violated by my BPD mother coming in raging, so it will be an absolute dream come true!!! :)
I'm so excited, and getting started on this journey is great.
Thanks so much for your understanding all! It's very exciting to be able to take this step! :)
Tiny living is good.
Thanks Boat Babe!!!
Sounds great, your boat home sounds lovely :)
Yes I'm so so excited about it, I can't quite believe it :)
JollyJazz,
:elephant: :banana: :cheer:
Congrats! What a nice way to start the New Year. I am so happy for you, all that you've been through!
I also bought my home on my own late in life, a small house that I call «my home».
Enjoy
Thank you Blacksheep7 for your kind words and encouragement!!!
I'm taking some steps... I've contacted tiny home places, contacting banks about lending...
I'll update as I go! 😁
Update: I realise that despite being able to afford nicer places, I've consistently chosen tiny, uncomfortable rooms to rent that resemble 18th century servants quarters - much like servant / scapegoat role I was given in my family. Shouted at, hit, woken up, dumped with work, unappreciated. Subconsciously I've consistently ended up tiny uncomfortable rooms (and as an idealist I don't think anyone should have a room like this).
So, I'm embarking on a campaign of self love... I'm getting MY OWN room, with paintings, bookshelves, comfort, privacy and a big old lock on the door to keep abusers out.
It feels dizzingly unreal even though I can afford it. I need to keep myself moving forward rather than shyly backing out, because it all feels 'too much'.
Btw, Pinterest has REALLY inspired me and helped me to actually dream for once :)
Congrats, Jolly. You deserve this :yes:
Over the past year, I've done a lot to make my space my own, from decorating to new furniture to even getting occasional cleaning help. I finally feel like an adult after years of hand me downs and free furniture.
Hi Mint,
Thanks so much for the support.
Oh my, I've had a bit of stinky time lately! :) Thank you - it helps to post here because I know there are funny issues that those of us with PD FOOs can understand, feeling deserving, having nice things, things like parental stalking issues lol.
I can't wait to have a space that is my own! That will be amazing beyond words :) I'll keep posting here because it's good motivation and keeps me focused on my goal :)
Okay update: I've pencilled in appointment with bank and I've got a zoom call with tiny house people... Sorry I know this is prosaic but it helps to post :)
I'm definitely NOT telling any of this to my FOO, I know they will find a way to criticise and control...
I once had a dream of getting an electric car (it was too expensive) but years ago, deep in the FOG I mentioned it to my FOO, who ORDERED me not to, even my brother in London bossed me around about what I should do :stars:
Not prosaic. You are moving forward with your life and we are delighted!
:fireworks: :fireworks: :fireworks: :fireworks: :udawoman: :udawoman: :udawoman:
Thank you Boatbabe!!!
I've been trained to squash every want and need for myself and I realise that for so long I'd knock myself out with attending to the whims of my PD parents, but also putting volunteer work, paid work, whatever PD ex's wanted ahead of my own needs...
It's definitely strange but awesome to do something like this for my very own self!! 😃👍
I'll keep you posted on how I get on! Thanks so much for the encouragement. It means so much.
Hi All,
Well, I met with the tiny house people! I'm getting there. Gosh so much research to do... it's fun, and I like research...
It's also reminded me of the emotional barriers I have been up against.
One is feeling scared about spending too much. I think it's from all those years of being very poor... even though I can afford now, it still feels scary to spend so much money.
I'm also a bit overwhelmed by everything in general. But I'll get through it! 😊
Thanks for your encouragement everyone!
Its easy to spend too much on homes and especially tiny homes. Especially mobile versions.
You research is wise and will pay off. Dont feel rushed or pressured, this is an important decision, and I hope you are enjoyong the process.
My tiny project is a hobby /pastime on a piece of land most consider useless. I dont have to worry about recooping investment as its pay as I go on a 1900.00 bit of land. My starbucks money, redirected, lol.
I am not meant to be tiny however as I imagine a huge two story barn or shed beside it. Lol
Thanks for your feedback, I think I'll be fine :) I am being very thorough in my research :)
It is amazing seeing all the different options - the more research I do, the more I am able to narrow down what I do and don't like :)
Yay for your tiny hobby! I hope it goes well!
Quote from: JollyJazz on February 11, 2021, 01:39:33 AM
Thank you Boatbabe!!!
I've been trained to squash every want and need for myself and I realise that for so long I'd knock myself out with attending to the whims of my PD parents, but also putting volunteer work, paid work, whatever PD ex's wanted ahead of my own needs...
It's definitely strange but awesome to do something like this for my very own self!! 😃👍
I'll keep you posted on how I get on! Thanks so much for the encouragement. It means so much.
Isn't it amazing to make things happen for yourself, finally?! I'm so thrilled for you.
You can do this!!! (Just in case there's a tiny negative voice that needs squashing lol)
Hi Mint,
Thanks so much for your encouragement! It really helps! :)
Your message arrived just after I'd bought myself a lovely little bone china tea set from a hospice shop. A little cup and saucer which was very affordable. I've got them for a coffee in the moment that I step into my new home.
I've got some more steps on my list for this week, so I'm making sure that I prioritize those. Thanks for your support and I'll keep posting on developments here! :) It can feel like a bit of a daunting and overwhelming task at times, but like all big tasks, I just need to break it into little achievable tasks and sort them one by one :)
Hi All,
I just wanted to share - I've just done a bunch of organising on my little house project :)
I got very busy with other things in the last month.
But now I'm back on my project... talking to a lawyer etc.
Today I went to see actual houses with a company I'm considering. They were amazing :) Just simple, clean and warm.
But just everything I ever wanted - a space of my own.
I feel quite overwhelmed to think of having my very own place. My own kitchen, all mine, no crazed roommates. No stalker, noone ordering me around in my personal space, no crazed mother barging into my bedroom.
I feel full of hope. In a random twist the showroom is down wind from a chocolate cookie factory so it smelt like fresh baking, lol :D
Anyway, when I got into my car I felt quite emotional, almost like I would cry (in a good way), I can't believe it's real. I'd become so accustomed to uncomfortable living situations - I felt uncomfortable most of my life.
Anyway, I've got plenty of work ahead still, due diligence and all that. I just can't believe that something so wonderful is actually happening :)
Quote from: JollyJazz on February 15, 2021, 09:52:17 PM
even though I can afford now, it still feels scary to spend so much money.
remember that scary feeling after we got mortgage
every time I went to bed, it felt like a brick was on my chest!
that feeling eventually went away & one just gets used to paying the monthly bill
are you still looking at tiny homes OR regular homes?
it is fun looking; hope you find something right for you!
Thanks - yep, I'm sure I'll be fine :)
Oh, I should add... I have actually cast my net wider now. Not just tiny homes... Part of the appeal of a tiny home (I'll admit) is being able to much more easily move my home in case my PDM who has stalked me for years finds me.
But I decided that my first priority now is finding something I like, and not letting anything else get in the way. And if my PDM shows up, I'll have locks on the doors, and can call the police!
Yes, it's a big process. I'm so fortunate to be able to afford my own home as an independent woman. I am feeling happy about it :)
Still a lot of work ahead - but I'm not afraid of hard work.
I remember how much I was just expected to me the little housemaid, clean up after the rest of the family at home+school work+part time jobs (which were really a way of supplementing my parents income). My work ethic has served me well in my career.
Also - the rest of my family has tempers, whereas as the scapegoat I always had to be nice and kind. That's helped me well in my career too (I'm a diplomat, and a good negotiator, I had to learn assertiveness, but I got there).
It really does feel good to be starting my very own household! :)
There are certainly plusses and minuses to a tiny home.
I think the most outstanding negative for me is that they don't often increase in value.
I am glad you are putting your beads and wants ahead of your fears.
If tiny works for you do it, if stationary works do that. Big ir small or just right in the middle, I hope you find a place that feels right and inpires you, and is a peaceful home.
I have a home that is and never will be what we planned. Lots of things to unpack in that but from the building process until now has been a roller coaster ride.
I have a little piece of land that I put a shed in and will covert it to a tiny. I don't worry about the value as it's a hobby not an I vestments. To me no different than spending money fishing or wine tasting.
Lumber is high now so I am doing the septic and drain field this year. I have a toilet and pedastal sink for it already. A bathroom and the kitchen gadgets I have gathered will make it a functional retreat.
I plan to make it available to other women who need a respite also.
Hello, just a little update. Well, I didn't manage to get my own home this year, but I've made steps forward on this process. One big one was around working on my trauma and fear of being in one place, due to decades of harassment, stalking and home invasions by my PD parents.
So I'm moving this goal to 2022, and proud of the steps I've taken so far! :)
I did not get as far on my goals as I had hoped either. I did as a result of happenings revolving around my spouses mental and physical health and accommodating those, gain ground in my own house. He now has his one area and I got my kitchen back. There is a long way to go and I will be making another big step at the shed to tiny project in Dec.
I am glad you are happy with progress that was made in other goals. It's great you are still looking to move forward with the home goal.
Stay strong.
Hi 1footoutofthefog,
Thanks for this! :)
Yes, progress is progress I say!
Best wishes for having your own space as well in 2022!
Edit: this has been moved to 2022! And that's okay! :)
I have made some progress on this.
I've also realised how much I've been scared off being in one place due to my parents continued harassment and stalking. But I'm ready to stick up for myself and find ways to be safe, even if it means a huge fence and calling the police!
Quote from: JollyJazz on December 21, 2021, 06:38:20 PM
Edit: this has been moved to 2022! And that's okay! :)
I have made some progress on this.
I've also realised how much I've been scared off being in one place due to my parents continued harassment and stalking. But I'm ready to stick up for myself and find ways to be safe, even if it means a huge fence and calling the police!
Good for you! :applause:
Thanks Black sheep! :)
Jj, there's a true comfort and safety having your own space! It's yours and you get to live and do whatever works for you. Other people's stuff isn't allowed except by your choice. Try as they may to force it, there's just so far that can go. I'm digging down deeper into that comfort every day and loving the once it provides!
Thanks so much for the encouragement Moglow! I'm glad you are enjoying your own space too.
Yes, it's good to remember the comfort that will come when I have my own space isn't it...
I feel like I'm just used to not having what I want, it's hard to believe I can really achieve the goal of having my own space - but I can! :)
I remember we had a bird in a cage that somehow escaped and instead of flying out the window it just sat in one place. I think we do end up with mental 'cages' that we have to escape from...
Anyway I'm getting there and doing that, I'll keep posting here.
Thanks again for the encouragement and support :)
All of that, yes. I didn't think I'd be able to do it and was pretty worn down by the time everything was done. The day we closed and they finally gave me my key, I came back to my new home, sat in the floor and just cried. So much had built up for so long! Honestly it was a while before I *didn't* get all choked up just walking in my front door.
I found strength and patience I didn't know I had, and I think you will too. Just whittle away at it as and when you can, keep those baby steps going. You'll get there. 🏡
Thanks Moglow! I'm glad that you got there with your house - dream as well!
I think I'll cry too!
Yes, it's definitely baby steps but will get there :)