I don't know why I am writing this

[compassionatetoafault]

Hello, I am new and have never written in a forum like this.  I am feeling deeply sad about being separated and on the path to divorce from my husband of three years who likely has NPD and/or BPD and/or Complex PTSD or some combination of these, none of which are formally diagnosed.  I am incredibly sad as this is my second abusive marriage ending in divorce.  I feel embarrassed about that.  I never imagined this happening the second time.  I feel tricked.  Betrayed.  Did he manufacture the profound connection we both still recognize?  I just cannot believe it possible given the particular circumstances of our union.  Why would something so undeniable and beautiful turn into this?  It makes me feel sick.   

My husband recognized his behavior as abusive last year and seemed genuinely distraught about it.  He seemed willing to take accountability.  However, the therapist he began working with seemed to encourage a perspective that "we got here together" and discounted the emotional, verbal and psychological abuse that my husband admitted to by telling me that he is not a "batterer," as if to suggest that I was falsely accusing him of being abusive or something.  I tried to share more information because it seemed the therapist did not understand our dynamic or my husband's behavior.  This did not help.  After that my husband began to say that he needed to stand up for himself and that I was actually the manipulative, critical and controlling one.  I am confused about whether my husband manipulated the therapist through his projections and distortions or if the therapist has guided him away from taking accountability.  In some ways I know it does not matter because the toxicity is evident and not changing.  He is not even making an effort anymore.  I am just so deeply sad and confused.  I had always thought he had Complex PTSD from childhood trauma but now after reading book after book on narcissistic abuse, I cannot deny the many characteristics and tactics that describe him and his behavior.  The denial, blame and minimization of the abuse by his therapist and family/friends has been re-traumatizing and maddening.  I know that I need to let go of the idea that he could heal and take accountability with the right help.  The fact is that he is not seeking that help.  Being able to end this relationship without enduring further toxicity is a blessing.  I wish I could find peace in that.  I wish I could find meaning and purpose in my dream come true evolving into a nightmare.   

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have found a very good place where you will find much information and support. Have you checked out the TOOLBOX yet?
Personally, I can relate to your feeling of embarrassement about what I call 'my bad taste in men' - a pattern of finding abusive partners. I have read repeatedly that an empathic, insecure, helpful, kind, strong person is a good match for an abusive partner. So I decided to work on myself and my own traits with the hope that eventually I would prefer and attract 'normal' people instead of difficult ones.  It's a journey.

Find all the advice and help you need for yourself. If you feel that the therapist does not work for you, find your own. Do you have a social network, you can be open with?  Do they validate your view of the situation?

[compassionatetoafault]

Thank you for the warm welcome.  Yes, I have been on the site over the past year or more and have read through the tool box.  I have been reading book after book as well.  I have been in denial until recently about how truly personality disordered he is.  It is just so sad.  I cannot or do not want to believe that he intends to behave harmfully but at the same time there are so many behaviors that cannot really be explained otherwise.  It is just so confusing when he acknowledges he has issues and that he behaves abusively but has not dedicated himself to the work of change.  I cannot comprehend claiming to love someone and not going above and beyond to right wrongs and repair damage. 

My family and friends are very supportive and understanding.  I feel very fortunate for that.  They have seen his moody and odd behavior, though no one will ever truly know the contempt and cruelty he reserved for private interactions. 

The therapist I mentioned is his individual therapist.  I only met with him once and I do not know if he is still seeing him or not.  I am in between therapists since moving/separating but looking forward to connecting with that support again soon.

Thanks for the supportive words.  Best wishes to you in your healing journey.

[pushit]

Welcome, compassionatetoafault - I'm new to this site as well, but not new to posting on sites like this.  Do a lot of reading here in the forums and you'll find out you are FAR from alone in this journey.  That's brought me a lot of comfort in the last couple of years.

I can relate to a lot of things you wrote.  The hurt that comes from being rejected, feeling embarrassed as to how you ended up with a person like this, tricked, betrayed, etc.  Did your partner manufacture your connection?  I obviously can't say, but I certainly feel like a fool for getting sucked into believing my W was who she was at the beginning of our relationship.  She isn't that person and I got tricked, BIG TIME.  In my case I can laugh about it now sometimes, because (thankfully) my family sees it and supports me 100% but they thought she was awesome too, so I wasn't the only one!  But I've been angry, depressed, lonely, you name it...it comes and goes.

Therapists - My experience is that PDs are so believable that therapy with them can be more harmful than good.  We've spent 10k on marriage counseling and most of it resulted in me chasing my tail to make my uPDw happy, while she just moved on to a different reason that I wasn't a good husband in the next session.  They're soooooo good at hiding it.  Our last counselor wanted to put me on anxiety medication, what a mind-screw that was!  One thing I would suggest is finding a T for you that understands PDs.  Just visit them alone and talk about your experiences, that has helped me.

I think the biggest thing I've learned is that there is no quick fix to this.  I'm in a situation I need to find a way out of, and I need to take care of myself.  (I have three kids, so they come before me, but you know what I mean).  The same goes for you, take care of YOU.  Go out and do some things that make you happy.  Whatever it is.  Exercise, knitting, golf, join a club to play cards, whatever.  Get out and meet people, it will help restore reality.

Hopefully that helps, and I'm sorry about your situation.  Keep posting and reading, we've got your back and will likely share some stories that make you think "Glad that's not me!"  LOL!!

Best of luck to you,
pushit