How did you tell your kids?

[NumbLotus]

And how did they take the news of separation/divorce at the time, and how did they adjust over time?

[Poison Ivy]

I told my children, both adults, over the phone because they reside far away, in separate locations.  The child who tends to wear her heart on her sleeve took the news better than my other child, who cried during the conversation. I don't think either of them was surprised, but still, one can hold out hope.  They have done okay since the divorce (about 3 1/2 years ago). 

[pushit]

I couldn't tell mine, had to leave without anyone knowing and they are young.  I called them the night I left, told them I'd be away for awhile, and eventually they figured things out as they spent time with me and I could explain it to them (in kid terms).  They were disappointed at first, but now they are doing much better than before.  At least now they have a peaceful home to live in 50% of the time.

[Kat54]

Mine were young adults. Daughter was away at college. Called her, she was upset but also not surprised. My son was home and we had a talk, again, as he said so eloquently, you both have been miserable for the last 20 years. He understood and has always seemed fine but I'm not always sure. He's very practical.

[capybara]

BPDH told the kids but I was in the room. It was pretty bad. He was in tears, it was made clear to the kids that it was my decision (I may have even said that), he said he was too sad to take my daughter to her special event that morning as he had promised, but he would spend time with her... Looking back, I regret that I didn't practice ahead for this situation better. I didn't really consider what I could do to make it go better. Although TBH, I still don't know what I could/should have done differently.

Also, the kids were not shocked as we had nearly separated in the past, and they knew we were in couples counseling.

My kids are tween and teen age. They have been upset about it in different ways at different times. I think the youngest feels abandoned and needs extra patience and reassurance and attention. The older two have not wanted to discuss it much and it is hard to know how to support them. One has been more withdrawn, the other has acted out some about the more permissive rules at dad's and how "unreasonable" I am.  All the kids have also been worried about how sad their dad is, and I am concerned that they are feeling responsible for him and maybe getting sucked into caretaking. I have posted a bit about it here.

Even though it has only been a few weeks, I do also see the kids benefiting from the happier and more relaxed atmosphere in the house with me. I feel like we spend more time together now, and it is better time. Two of the kids are getting along better and spending more time together on their own.

I think if the kids are willing to go to therapy and you can afford it and find the right therapist, it can help a lot.

[NumbLotus]

Thanks for the responses, they are useful.

Capybara, I will be thinking about that. I can see a lot of potential parallels.

[Poison Ivy]

Although I don't love talking on the phone, I generally don't have too much trouble forcing myself to do so when necessary.  The conversations with my children about the divorce were probably the hardest ones ever. I can't remember if I wrote a script but I definitely thought a lot about how to start the conversations and I was very nervous to pick up the phone and dial.

[ChevyChase]

I told the kids in person when they got home from school on a Friday afternoon, so they would have the weekend to process.  They are teen/tween age.  It was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever had to do in my life.  ubpdw was there too. 

There was a lot of crying, and needless to say the parental alienation started immediately from the ubpdw, her saying it's all my fault, this is my decision, I am the one breaking up the family, he just wants to hurt us, etc.  I knew it would be OK when my older went with me to pick up dinner only two hours after saying I was moving out.  The kids are still upset but they will spend time with me, although they won't come over to my house.  The hardest part is my ubpdw refuses to believe that my moving out is permanent, she is sure she can salvage the marriage, get us back together, etc.  So she controls and manipulates to prevent me from seeing the kids outside the house, it's an incredible struggle to spend time with them.

Kids are amazingly resilient, I heard it in the past but I am seeing it in my children.  Despite the short term pain, I am already happier and healthier away from her, and I know the kids will be better off in the long run.  But not going to lie it's very difficult the first two months.  Keep the faith, this is a marathon not a sprint!