Statement of Forgiveness

[Moxie890]

I finally took the plunge, and I have started therapy! It was so very validating to hear my therapist agree that NC was probably necessary (I have been NC with uNBPDm for over a year now).

He did suggest that later down the road, when I am at the point where I can forgive her, that I should let her know. Even in something as brief as a text. When he said this I almost went in to panic mode. He then assured me that it's not something I should do anytime soon (I am clearly not there yet), and that it's not an invitation for her to come back in my life or resume communication. He said it would serve as a release for me, because one of my current goals is to reach a place of forgiveness for the sake of my own heart and happiness. I am thinking a lot about how forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or absolving the past, but rather letting go of the anger/resentment and tendency to ruminate on hurtful past events. I want this very badly!

Have any of you ever let a NC parent know that you forgive them? Did you get a response? Honestly, I don't want a response, and T told me not to expect an apology or even a response. How did you feel afterwards?

[Amadahy]

Good job starting therapy!! 👍🥳

I'd love to forgive and I know I need some sort of resolution, but to tell Nmom I forgive her would be pointless. She truly would not see the need for forgiveness. I admit I'm at a loss of how to ever find peace. I really do believe her pd inhibits her ability to reflect and to love me, so I do forgive her, intellectually.  However, my heart doesn't know how to proceed, how to really feel that profound level of release. I hope we can find that!

[Tried2bZen]

Hey Moxie890,

My T suggested writing a letter but not sending it. I have forgiven them in my heart but I would not "dare" send a letter. I know I would get a response; i.e. the biggest smear campaign I can imagine.

[Moxie890]

Thank you for the responses!

Amadahy, I sure hope we find it too  if I do ever tell her that I forgive her, it would not be for her in anyway. It would just be for me and the sake of my healing... But right now, the ability to do that seems a long way off.

Zen, I really like the idea of writing it, and not sending it.  I am not too worried about smearing, because that has already taken place to the point that most of my mom's side of the family (which is very small to begin with) doesn't talk to me. However, the thought of a response causes me a great deal of anxiety at this point. The way I see it now, if I initiate any contact it would be perceived as an invitation for communication, and I would for sure get a response.

[St. Adler]

I agree that forgiveness is something we do for ourselves and only for ourselves, but doesn't, in my opinion, ever need to include the other person. What would be the point of going no contact and then contacting them? Seems contradicting in a way, and perhaps your panicked feeling is something to treat with love and compassion.

Why would you let her know that you have forgiven her? What would that benefit you? Forgiveness is about letting the grip that others have over us go in my experience. And it is so important but it is a process.
Please take care of yourself and don't do anything that you know won't serve you. Trust yourself to know what is best for you.

[_apparentlywicked]

Yeah I can imagine writing a letter stating forgiveness but I couldn't see the point of sending it. It feels to me that it wouldn't bring anything positive to him or me. It would make him angry that I was suggesting he'd ever done anything wrong. And he'd go postal to invalidate it. I literally can't stomach the idea of sending anything out to him right now.

I dunno maybe I'll heal so much that I'll get to a place where I can do what I do with no thought of his reaction. I'm so far from there.

[moglow]

I can and do forgive mother for the ignorance and lack of compassion with which she's lived her life. On some level I know she truly believes what she's putting out there. However, all those deliberate acts and words intended to hurt others that she's gleefully thrown out there and continued even after being told how hurtful and hateful it is? Nope. Telling her she's forgiven just raises the specter (in her mind) that a) she's right and b) can and should continue on unimpeded. For mother and many like her, forgiveness just means a clean slate and room for more abuse.

I know forgiveness is for us, and by that we can forgive without ever involving someone who's remorseless - and relentless.

[Maxtrem]

If you have anxiety problems it's your body telling you to stay away from your mother. So you're not ready to make contact with her. Writing a letter and never giving it to her seems like a great idea.   

[Fortuna]

I'm not really at the stage of forgiving, maybe resignation that she won't change but not forgiving of the actions. Once I am at that stage I don't think I would tell her. It's not for her. Forgiveness is going to be something so I can move on. If I told her I forgave her, she'd think she was in the clear and everything could go back to normal because she doesn't see the problem with how she behaves, has never been wrong, so me forgiving to her equates to her being able to do what she has always done. It would be nothing more than a self inflicted hoover. I would not break NC to tell her anything about your progress including that.

[Leonor]

Congratulations on taking such an important healing step! Therapy can be such a validating supportive experience. Even taking time out of your day to spend some time allowing for your feelings is healing.

Now, I have been in and out of therapy for years. And the out times were not due to me failing to heal or having no hope -- it was because my therapist was not a good fit for me.

That said, I would really think about whether or not this therapist is a good fit for you. No reputable therapist, no therapeutic approach or school, holds that at some point the client "progresses" to forgiving the abusive parent. That is not a phase, not a milestone, not a goal, of recovery. And certainly no therapist worth his or her salt would suggest that a victim of abuse would get back in touch with an abusive parent! And in an early session, no less!

Safety, emotional, psychological and physical, is a goal of the therapist to communicate to the client. The goal is to make you feel 100 per cent supported, heard, understood. To help you lessen your anxiety by reassuring you that you do not ever have to place yourself in any proximity of someone abusive. To make you feel like you've got someone who's got your back, who will listen to what you say, to help you validate your own experience, and trust your own judgement.

If you are in the US, talk to your insurer, if you have insurance, or the Psychology Today website and look for a therapist that is experienced in complex PTSD and adult survivors of trauma. You can email or phone them and interview *them* (good therapists will be happy to spend time on this conversation and willing to share their approach with you.) You can ask how they feel about forgiveness or relationship s with abusive parents. You can even schedule early appointments with a few to see how you connect with them. I have worked with some amazing therapists, and I have come to trust my instinct on feeling if they were a good fit for me or not.

It can be so hard. It's hard enough to make an appointment, and it's tempting to just pick one-and-done. But your healing spirit is a true compass, and if you're feeling anxious or unsure, you can trust yourself.

Again, *no* trauma-trained specialist would ever suggest that s/he knows how you will feel, what you will do or how you will engage (by which they mean, "should") with anyone, let alone an abusive parent. They put their expertise at your service to support you in your healing journey. You deserve it!

[footprint]

You need to be careful with therapists who get into forgiveness. I'move been NV for 4 years, and was VLC and LC for 6 years before that. Any communication with the PD parent is encouraging them to maintain contact with you.

I suppose it depends on the type of PD parent you're dealing with, but when it comes to NPD parents, the rule of thumb would be never to send them a forgiveness letter. NPD parents will just use it somehow, twist it around, and certainly try to enmesh you again in their lives.

My current therapist is highly trained in helping adults children of narcissistic parents. Coincidentally to your situation, I recently felt an urge to write a letter to NPD parents in which I would 1. Validate myself and say that I'd been abused by them and 2. Let them know that I had forgiven them. We talked about it at length and in the end came to the conclusion that this would do much more harm than good. She suggested I write the letter, for myself, but never send it to them.

footprint

[Oscen]

He did suggest that later down the road, when I am at the point where I can forgive her, that I should let her know. Even in something as brief as a text. When he said this I almost went in to panic mode.

This is a warning sign. Your panic mode is telling you loud & clear that this is not right for you.

Agree with footprint & Leonor. Choose your T with care, think twice (or 3 or 4 or 5 times) before you reach out to a person with PD, and treat the idea of forgiveness with utmost care.
It sounds like you've considered very carefully what forgiveness actually means to you, so why work with a T who has different ideas about it?
Not all T's actually know how to help victims of abuse from PD individuals.

[No.]

I agree with the others. I've been in and out of T, as well as NC with Nm for 5 years now. I've learned to listen to my intuition, which come to find out was right about Nm, and most T's who encouraged me "but she's your mother." It set me back YEARS to take what Nm and those with that outlook to heart when MY heart was telling me they were wrong.

That said, I have gone back and forth about the very subject you're feeling a little panicky about. I've come to forgive my mom in one sense of the word (not the "forgive and forget" and go back for more she has always brainwashed me to believe). I realize she is like she is for a reason, so I can feel compassion in a way. BUT, this time, forgiveness does not include her. Communication with her gets twisted and used against me, I have learned over and over. She STILL uses the once a year she may send a card, say, at christmas, to "lecture" me to forgive and forget. What she means is, and has stated, "I will never apologize," but I will use a misinterpretation of the bible to try to manipulate you into getting back in line so I look like a normal person who can maintain relationships to the outside world."

So, my need to forgive is solely that. I'm not withholding, I'm simply protecting myself, as NC is meant to be. Any therapist who doesn't understand that is definitely not for me, and I've learned that the hard way for too many precious years of my life. I hope you'll be careful about this, as the others have said. Listen to your intuition. It will best serve you. You know your N's and your situation better than any other person.

[bloomie]

Moxie890 - good for you for making this important self care move and getting a therapist to work through things with.

None of us know the context of this conversation or suggestion with your T and are not in a position to judge if this person is a good fit for you or not. Being aware and knowing that you have options and can move on if it turns out to not be a great fit is always good when working with a therapist, but if this person is helping you and supporting you, you know best and can stick with it and discuss this suggestion and your reservations to get further clarity.

On forgiveness and letting someone know that I have forgiven them that is not contrite or who has not acknowledged their harm and wrong doing... maybe it is semantics, but I believe I can only do my part of the forgiveness exchange when remorse and responsibility are absent on the other side.

I can take care to clean up my side of the street. I can refuse to hold bitterness against another person. I can get to the place where I truly wish them no harm. I can recognize their disordered limits and inability to love and have some semblance of compassion for them. I can choose not to harm in any way - gossip, malign, name call, demean them. 

But, without any recognition of wrong doing on the other person's part that is as far as I believe I can take it in my understanding of forgiveness. I cannot 'grant' forgiveness over an unresolved situation and in fact, may do more harm than good in acting as if, or believing it is my solitary responsibility to do.

When a debt is owed... in order for it to be forgiven the debt has to at least be acknowledged to some degree by both people ime. Many of us here have been treated in terrible ways by our parents. Our parents (mine at least) never, ever acknowledged the harm they did and actively opposed recognizing that I was anything other than an objectified extension of themselves. Someone without human rights or separate personhood deserving of honor and respect.

An important part of my healing was acknowledging for myself that the only person who had the right to decide how I have experienced my parent's toxic behaviors and if they have crossed moral and ethical lines, is me. I decide how I experience other people and what to do about it.

It is then mine to decide if and when and how to release the pain of their abuse and choose to not hold it against them and should they ever acknowledge be ready to forgive the debt they owe me. (not saying reconcile though - that is another part that might never happen)

Part of human interactions is consequences as we have boundaries and standards for what works for us. If a parent is harming us and unwilling to manage their behaviors differently we can remove ourself from harm completely and have zero interactions with an unreliable and unsafe person. And that is not bitter or punishing. It is wisdom and takes a great deal of strength.

We will encounter people who hold differing thoughts on all of this than we do and that's okay. No one has lived our lives but each of us. We don't have to placate or please or run from a discussion that may leave us at the end agreeing to disagree - even with our T.

[theonetoblame]

I just want to acknowledge this thread, it's excellent. Like a warm and soft safety net held up by a group of helpful souls who have all been there before.

I really like the 'my side of the street' analogy. I've spent a lot of time tidying up my side of the street and after 10 years I'm still not done. I know for myself that if I offered forgiveness directly and received anything other than acceptance of responsibility and remorse it would just open old wounds and set me back. Responsibility and remorse will never be forthcoming, but all this work on my side of the street has made me a better person. My house is in order. I even have moments of deep peace and connection to the world, something I would describe as existential joy. I'll just keep trimming my hedges, seeding the lawn and watering my trees   

[Spring Butterfly]

My head is screaming right now O.o

Just to be clear I'm not NC and even so if I *dared* issue a forgiveness memorandum she'd bite my head off in a flash.

How do I know? Experience. The response was along the lines of "you FORGIVE me... How very grand ... What the bleep to you think I did that YOU need to FORGIVE me" and that was the end of it. So yeah I'm never opening that can of worms again.

One time I did open the can and it spilled all out. That time there were crocodile tears and tons of drama about how they just try to be good parents until I folded and fell back into compliance.

If someone makes a statement of forgiveness the natural thing that would follow would be full reconciliation and things going back to the way they were. No thanks. I'm leaving that can closed.

[Moxie890]

Thank you all so much for the thoughtful responses. You have given me some excellent points to think on.

I am going to meet with my T a couple more times before deciding if we are a good fit or not. My last session is telling me no (he has complained about his client load and just seemed tired and uninterested in what I had to say... Which is the last thing someone in my position needs, and not something I am willing to pay hard earned money for). I have called some other people who look like a good fit on paper, but they are all full. Unfortunately there aren't a whole lot of therapists in my area that accept my insurance. We'll see, I am not ready to give up.

[Spring Butterfly]

"complained about his client load and just seemed tired" mmmmm no. Sounds like sone real trouble with boundaries there.