Boundaries for thee, none for me

[Invisiblewoman]

just a dynamic I noticed. They will stonewall and get outraged the moment you try to have an honest discussion that requires equal participation, but will lose it when they can't have unfettered access to you, or get outraged when you suggest sanctions if they expose private information without asking, or just to make you look bad. You suggesting boundaries is abuse, but their violation of your boundaries is deserved, or because "they care."

What are you thoughts and experiences of this?

[moglow]

I learned a while back to address things as they come up and lock down my end as needed, without discussion or negotiation. Live the boundaries became my motto. Explaining myself or asking anything reasonable just wasn't worth the effort. My mother had not one whit of interest in any honest discussion or anyone else's opinion, and would quickly flip anything said as an attack on her.

Somewhere along the way though, mother ran out of audience - her siblings all passed and she's the only one left. She never had any true friends that I'm aware of, only people who for some reason put up with her demands and snipes like I did for too long. She's well and truly isolated herself and has no sign for years that she wants anything any different, with even her own children. I had to find peace with that and let her be.

[Invisiblewoman]

I think I lived the boundaries by being invisible at times. In the end it paid off because as soon as I recognized the disrespect there was just no reason to engage. Just let them drift off. Clear lines became easier to draw.

I did try reasoning and saying I was unhappy with their disrespect but you aren't allowed to express that.  That victimized them, more so than things they did out of spite. It just gets spun back on me.

[sunshine702]

My most jaw dropping Narc entitlement boundary shattering story was when my parents BROKE INTO my house — stuffing my mom through a cracked downstairs bathroom window for my dogs while I was at work.  And when I tried to ask them umm not to do that they didn't think anything was wrong.  They had "bought things from Costco for me.  So it was supposed to be all ok. Why they could not leave the items on the front patio like normal people in my safe neighborhood!

From that moment forward I never let them at my house but did not bother explaining. 

[sunshine702]

I honestly think the unfettered access is in my experience is for snooping / intelligence gathering.  My dad suggested he would give me money for some of the moving costs I have right now.  But he seems to want access to my bank account not just a Zelle payment.  He will be calling asking why I spent $15non pizza

[olivegirl]

My narc parents : ninja:  are very big snoopers! 

And yes, they def want access to my bank account.

In addition, they plotted to move into my home.

They are quite parasitic and I know my going NC frustrates them due to lack of supply.

As well as their perception that they can exploit me financially so that I bankroll their retirement and serve as their free 24/7 caretaker who does all of the cooking and cleaning! 

It  all backfired on them—they thought they could run game on me.   

Now they are unmasked and seen as the grifters they are to their relatives and neighbors. 

[bloomie]

an honest discussion that requires equal participation

I think you have hit on something foundational here, Invisiblewoman. Equal. Equally worthy of value, respect, reciprocity, privacy, self agency, and the right to decide and live out what does and does not work in relationship with us.

When another is unable to, or refuses to, engage with us as an equal - in conversation about violating our privacy, for example - interrupting, talking over, raising their voice, dismissing grave concerns, etc., there is little we can do but step away and limit access to protect our peace.

And we may be labeled as abusive, uncaring, cold, 'the problem'.