Restraining Order

[hhaw]

GOOTF:

I also liked the book STRONG ON DEFENSE by Sanford Strong.  It helps us understand what happens when we're faced with dangerous situations, and what many people did to escape or avoid them while others didn't.  Lots of good information for making sense of what happens when faced with crisis/danger.

You're seeing a good T, and that's great.   I hope you practice shifting out of feeling tense and anxious.  Learning how to manage our emotions is a powerful game-changer, in my experience.  Our brains believe we're in danger when we THINK about being in danger. 

The brain hijacks our biochemistry and makes it impossible to get OUT of that mode, unless we learn how to sneak up underneath it, and unhook it using tools like deep breathing, gargling, humming, splashing cold water into our faces.... or going to our happy place.  Pathways to our frontal cortex are shut down, and we can't think our way out of that state, IME.  Thinking about it actually makes things worse, IME. 

Going to our happy place is very effective for the same reasons thinking about danger is so powerful.  Our brains actually believe we're IN THAT PLACE... happy or dangerous.  We have the power to control our nervous systems, which is HUGE once you understand it, IME, particularly in situations of living with stalkers and what they might do... what they've done in the past.

We learn how to expand our window of resilience when we discern real danger from future fear of the possibility of danger, IME. 



Avoiding being trapped in survival mode, when you aren't in imminent danger, is really really helpful, IME.

Learning to do everything one can, to keep ourselves safe, then put the story on the shelf for a while...
and be present,  instead of worry worry worry about what might happen... is preferable, IME.

They're both coping strategies.  I used to worry worry worry exclusively, and pretend I had a life... fake it, bc no one wants to be around someone trapped in survival mode, IME. 

I wish I'd understood it, and learned how to do better 15 years ago. 

Once a good trauma-informed T sat me down and explained all this.... things got much better very quickly for me. 

I wished I'd had someone explain all this to me when I was being stalked, and dealing with that stalker in the legal system, where it's true.... they do things to force errors on our part, so we appear to be unstable, unsure of what we want,or worse... like the aggressor.  You're experiencing this.  You're aware of it. You can resist sabotaging yourself.   That's a good thing.

GOOTF, you seem to be doing very well.  What I want for you is....
to never miss another moment of joy bc of the PDex.

If you can minimize the time and energy the PD takes away from living your most joyful life.... that's  a huge accomplishment, IME.

Choosing a way to keep yourself safe, even if you're depending on your intuition or a whistle...
practice it, honor it, listen to it and believe in it.....
practice carrying and deploying it when you're under stress, under attack, in the dark or injured. Be aware of what your brain DOES when under attack, so you understand it and can counter it with responsiveness, rather than reactivity.

If you don't practice and honor your chosen defense strategies ....
you shouldn't become dependent on it them as a means of protection, IME.   

Good luck,

[GettingOOTF]

I opened my mail today and there was something addressed to my ex. He hasn't lived here in years and I'm NC. I opened it as he used my address for his therapy bills as "proof" he was getting help. Funny thing is they kept coming so I opened them to call the therapist and tell him/her to get my ex to stop. Turns out they were bills for a ton of missed appointments. They never change.

Anyway I opened the envelope today and it's a follow up on information on a burial plot and a will making service.

I can't help but take this as a threat from him. It could be a coincidence and he's on a mailing list but he hasn't received junk mail here in years. The only thing I get now is a really old 401k statement that I he swore he changed the address for years ago.

I kept it for when the courts open up. I don't think I'm crazy suspecting he did this on purpose. I hope I am though and it was simply a coincidence that I make it clear to him I want to be left alone after years of NC and then this arrives.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I kept it for when the courts open up. I don't think I'm crazy suspecting he did this on purpose. I hope I am though and it was simply a coincidence that I make it clear to him I want to be left alone after years of NC and then this arrives.

Oh, my heavens. No, you are not crazy suspecting he did it on purpose. It would sound alarms off with me too. I am glad you are being so diligent. You are aware and you are following up on your instincts. I think you are taking all the right steps. I am hoping that those you show this to know how to best address it. I suppose there is always the possibility he did it just to irk you, however I take it as a threat. I know you have protections in place.