Either enmeshed or ignored

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,

I'm kinda having a rough day. I just feel lonesome.

I live in a different town from my PD FOO. I've been in this town for about a year and I think it's been good for me to have some distance from my PD FOO.

Basically I was the scapegoat growing up.

My parents and in particular my PD mother are very aggressive about invading boundaries. A big one is the unexpected 'visits'/home invasions. The only way I've found to cope is to cut information down to a minimum/grey rock and not pass on personal details.
I was previously quite enmeshed but managed to escape.

I'm still healing.

Anyway, my parents now kind of ignore me as well as PD siblings. I already struggle with shyness and feeling lonely. So now I kind of get the silent treatment.

I'm just having a rough day today. I feel like if I get too close I get stung with criticism, guilt trips and entangled in a sticky spider's web.

But if I try to develop independence, set boundaries I'm ignored and alone in the wilderness.

Does that make sense? Just having a hard day today.

I think it's that having 5 PD family members did kind of take a big bite out of myself esteem. Anyway, thanks for reading

[notrightinthehead]

Lovely self reflection JollyJazz. I hope you will feel stronger soon.
Recently, whenever I feel low I search for self love meditation on youtube. There is a lot to choose from. I pick them according to the time I have available, some are less than 20 minutes long. And I put the headphones on, get comfortable and listen. I find that very helpful.

[JollyJazz]

Hello Notrightinthehead,

Thanks so much for this tip and your words of encouragement

It makes such a difference having this resource and people that understand.

I'll look out for those. It's just really hitting in today, but I'll get through!

Thank you

[Rocketman]

What you describe makes perfect sense. You have to play along with the enmeshment to be "appreciated". It's the reason I'm no longer the golden child. It's a lonely space for sure at times, even if you're talking to a non PD family member you can notice when they're triangulating and suddenly you feel like you're from a different planet. I've found that to be incredibly difficult, distance from the PD person means distance from everyone when they're enmeshed and that can feel hurtful.

[Boat Babe]

There's a deep and chronic loneliness that comes from our growing up with PDs. Mine is always there but mostly very background and tolerable. Sometimes though, it rears up and sinks its teeth into me and, man does it hurt. Currently recovering from the end of a two year, good relationship with a non and my loneliness is off the scale. Doesn't take much to trigger it at the best of times.

However, it can be worked on with self compassion and self care. And then one day, you wake up and the sun is shining again and you have turned a corner.

This too shall pass.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Rocket man and Boatbabe,

Thanks for your kind and understanding replies! 

I'm feeling better today. I talked to my wonderful T yesterday and I'm doing plenty of self care/self compassion.

I think this feeling of being 'out in the cold' is hurtful, but I also know it's deliberate. At least I've got space to build a happier future for myself.

Best wishes to you both as well.

[Lilyloo]

jollyjazz, HUGS  Narcs drain us. Esp, parent narcs.  I feel alone so often, and I'm old. What Rocketman said is spot on. We play along with the enmeshment to feel appreciated.  Its so hard and sad. I wish you happiness, it is there to be found. I try to learn to love myself. We must love ourselves. Certainly nobody taught us how, but we can do it. I hope you are ok today 

[JollyJazz]

Hi Linda Loo,

Thanks for your lovely post! 
Yes I'm doing better now - thank you for this.

Yes my previous role was to be groomed into being the helper / scapegoat. Playing along with the enmeshment was how I survived. Actually there was always the threat of being thrown out if the house (even as a small child) which is very scary - when I look back this was for very small things...

My PD parents were very aggressive about trying to push into my life and squash independence, turning up at my house, job, getting the phone numbers of my friends for 'safety' 

I'm so much more independent these days, in another city, supporting myself etc. I was able to stand up for myself after years of 'home invasions' by PD parents and I refuse to give them my address. Now I'm ignored most if the time.

Anyway thanks for your supportive and understanding words all! I absolutely agree on the importance of self love.

Sorry to hear you feel that loneliness too. Big hugs back you 

[lilith]

Moving away from your family is a huge achievement and you should be very proud of that 😊

When I moved out, that sense of being like you said "left out in the cold" was almost palpable. I remember the cold shoulder and total silent contempt whenever I came over for family dinners. Unless we submit totally to their crushing demands, they will do their best to hurt us by making us feel so alone and hated.

The solution has to be making friends with healthy people. That's really easier said than done, but something has to fill up that empty space that their dysfunction has left behind. And it has to be healthy relationships. I say that, but I am super super bad at putting myself out there and letting people get to know me! But we are worth so much more than they made us feel like we are. And those were the most difficult relationships we will ever have. Relationships with healthy people will be so much easier and calmer and happier and more rewarding 🙂

[JollyJazz]

Hi Lilith,

Thanks so much for your support and encouragement!

Yes I was able to break free of their enmeshment - I have a wonderful therapist that I did 'bodywork' with - 'focusing' and 'brainspotting', basically that helped a great deal with processing that trauma and helping me break away properly from their orbit.

" Unless we submit totally to their crushing demands, they will do their best to hurt us by making us feel so alone and hated"

Absolutely! It is so so hurtful. Most recently I just felt so much how they were forcing/guilting me into the 'caretaker role', my brother (47), who my parents have now recruited to be their caretaker and live with them was being emotionally abusive to me, and they were all pressuring/guilting me to take care of him  so crazy making, and I went away feeling awful (this was on my birthday).

Yes, I am now trying to reach out and make new friends. I find it hard but I'm slowly getting there. I think this reticence is a survival tactic, thanks for sharing that it's not just me too  I've been making progress on this. So often I would protect myself by isolating. But I'm getting better with that ☺️

So getting there, feeling better, step by step! Best wishes to you too, and thanks for your kind words. It really means a lot!