I previously posted last week that I'm going through a breakup with my GF, we've been together 3 volatile years. We break up every month, usually she is triggered by something or I accidentally crush an egg-shell I so desprartly try to walk on every day, and she then breaks up with me. It happens almost to the exact day each month and has happened that way for the last 6-7 months. Usually I try to mend and fix it every time. I've decided to try and stay out this time as she is un-diagnosed BPD and Im not sure
it is healthy for me to be in such a volatile relationship any more.
My questions is... i feel sooooo guilty for planning the exit, how have other's felt about his concept?
Luckily, physical abuse is not an issue and there are no kids so it makes me feel even worse that I have to plan behind her back to get out. My train of thought is kinda like, set up a new life so you can be strong and independent outside of this volatile situation, but at times it makes me feel like I'm a horrible person for thinking that and doing that. Although we do not currently live together I have still started to put a "new life" in place for myself. I feel guilty for building a new life before ending this one. Feels like I'm cheating on her somehow.
I have gotten a new place to live for myself once my lease is up at the end of the month.
I just wanted to express my guilt, it is so hard to basically abandon someone you love, especially when you know they have extreme abandonment issues. It makes me so sad, and guilty, but I do not think I can make it right or fix it anymore.
I feel horrible that this plan is premeditated, i've never had to go through a break up like this before :(
I'm going to be blunt here: There aren't a lot of options for how to end a relationship like this.
You have to do what's right for you- you have never had responsibility for her emotions, and to think that you can fix her reactions is wasting your energy.
If you have a place to go, it's time. You already made up your decision. And yes- it's exhausting loving or caring about someone, knowing that you're leaving them. Have you made a safety plan to ensure that you will stick to your boundaries when you tell her? Or will you disappear into the night?
My PD has told me stories of their exes leaving them. Many have fled in the middle of the night. Many have ghosted. Maybe all of their stories are lies.
I feel guilty too- but isn't that what this website is about? Coming out of the Fear, Obligation and Guilt? Your obligation is to yourself. She will react the way she reacts- just make sure you are safe.
Be well.
Thank you for the thoughts Spidernest, sometimes blunt thoughts are needed.
I just feel extra guilty as if I am fulfilling their abandonment concerns. For a long time in the relationship I tried to prove her wrong that I wasn't abandoning her and I kept fighting to prove that, now it feels like I am actually abandoning since I a 'pre-planning' it.
I think it makes a bit more tough because it is not obvious situation of physical abuse, or kids are in danger, etc. and also the fact that she is undiagnosed, makes me wonder a lot of times if I me planning the departure is un-called for.
Im not going to flee in the middle of the night, and I'm going to try my best not to ghost... my plan is to attempt no-contact, but be available to communicate via text or phone for a few days 3-5 days after the final conversation in case there are any flareups, then I will make my best attempt to casually place less response efforts on incoming texts, etc... if any do come in. I know it is likely ill be swamped with them because that is what always happens, but I also ironically dread that it may actually go silent and no contact.
Its gonna be hard to not reach out because i still care very very deeply for her, so I will be feeling withdrawal as well. It would be easier if this was a "I'm outta here! Thank god i never have to see you again!" type situation.. but reality is that I will miss her every minute once I pull the rip cord.
I'm glad this seems to be a community of people that understand such push/pull situations. Has anyone regretted pre-planning this type of thing, and pre-planning their next version of themselves as solo? I just feel bad and wanted to express it and question it a bit. :unsure: :sadno: :unsure:
Yes I'm feeling this too. In fact, I feel like I'm being sneaky or something... He has no real idea that I'm seriously thinking about leaving...
So many things that I'm doing I feel like I'm strategizing... It feels odd.
Yet I know that I have to plan... And cannot have a discussion with him about it, maybe not even when I leave...
I'm also struggling with guilt. I kicked out my pdH just a couple of days ago. he is sobbing and begging as always. and the guilt has been eating me alive. I called a friend who I had helped years ago to leave a bad relationship and she told me that what she did was she started thinking about herself. she started putting herself first and fought the guilt away every step by telling herself that SHE deserved to be happy and that she deserved to think about herself and herself first. That helped me to tell my husband I couldnt talk on the phone with him anymore. I could already feel myself cracking and its only been two days. I know what will happen if I let him back. I've done it twice before. Ill be so disgusted and depressed with myself that I will cry in bed all day. when I finally get out of bed the next day I will walk around in a fog of despair. and he will go right back to his emotionally abusive behaviors. This time I have to stay out. this time I have to think about me and only me. I am not responsible for anyone but myself. I owe it to myself to be happy and make decisions for my life based on what I want and me alone. it isn't selfish. we owe it to ourselves to be happy.
you are smart to make a plan. don't feel guilty about saving your own sanity.
I felt very guilty over the past year but it's less so now. You can't keep lighting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. I go through moments of "but maybe it's not his fault he's like this?" but I still can't keep sacrificing my sanity and time from my one short life to make HIM happy. We're allowed to be happy. That's a thing.
" You can't keep lighting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm" From Blackbird's reply
Wow, Blackbird, I wrote that one down... That's great
Quote from: Blackbird11 on July 08, 2020, 09:38:58 AM
You can't keep lighting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. We're allowed to be happy. That's a thing.
Thanks for the thoughts Blackbird and losingmyself. It is very true and a good reminder. I also liked seeing "We're allowed to be happy". I think alot of us forget the sometimes. I think over the last 3 years, my happiness was based on making my GF happy (which is a near impossbile task due to bpd symptoms). It is a good reminder that it is ok that I am also allowed to be authentically happy.
FreeSophie, thank you also; we do owe it to ourselves to be happy. And dont beat yourself up too bad about almost cracking after 2 days, I have been pulled back so many times, sometimes i crack after a few hours! we all have, it is a process and you will succeed. One day at a time! :)
I feel like the description that I've been lighting myself on fire to keep someone else warm, is spot on.. even though it is blunt, it is a good description and puts it into perspective and context.
Two analogies come to mind for the final years of my marriage: 1) My then husband and I were in a sinking boat, I was frantically bailing out the water, and he was poking more holes in the bottom of the boat. 2) The relationship was a brain-dead person being kept alive only with life support. My then husband was both the individual who shot the brain-dead person and the one saying, "Oh, we can't pull the plug. That would be inhumane." I was the one who tried to rescue the brain-dead person but then, when clearly there was no hope for reviving the person, said, "The kindest thing to do is to pull the plug."
I feel the deepest sense of guilt about planning to leave over anything else I've done in my life. I don't want to hurt anyone even her. I'm stuck by the vows of marriage, the kids we have and a sense of duty. I'm capable of always forgiving everyone and I always do that. I can't think of a single grudge I hold or person I don't forgive. And in this case it always comes back to her repeating the same behaviors over and over again.
And my sense of guilt is compounded again and again by his health issues
For those who feel guilty: Is there anything that outweighs your guilty feelings? For example, if you have children, do your responsibilities to protect your children outweigh your feelings about not hurting your spouse, and if your health is being harmed, does your responsibility to take care of yourself outweigh your feelings of guilt regarding your spouse's health?
Quote from: Blackbird11 on July 08, 2020, 09:38:58 AM
I still can't keep sacrificing my sanity and time from my one short life to make HIM happy. We're allowed to be happy. That's a thing.
Thank you, Blackbird. I needed to hear this. I'm struggling right now. I'm being love bombed to the fullest and feeling extremely guilty for keeping my meeting with the divorce attorney next week. I want a divorce but of course now he doesn't...or that's what he says. This is after being called "worse than a $2 hooker because I don't get paid for it"....first thing yesterday morning. Uhhhh......it's so hard to stay strong. But I know it's just a matter of time (hours? days?) until the next round of accusations. I found out he was with another woman on Monday when he said he was a work. He denies and denies. But how is it when he is so loving towards me that he can just make me forget all the bad.
Have any of you heard that song by Little Big Town called "Better Man"..... the lyrics say "And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic". I think it perfectly describes the good times with a NPD. When it's good...it's magic. It just makes it too easy to forget the bad, or at least put it out of your mind until the next time.
QuoteFor those who feel guilty: Is there anything that outweighs your guilty feelings? For example, if you have children, do your responsibilities to protect your children outweigh your feelings about not hurting your spouse, and if your health is being harmed, does your responsibility to take care of yourself outweigh your feelings of guilt regarding your spouse's health?
Yes - I began to realize that I'm spending more time managing this person I'm married to (walking on eggshells, trying to document every single interaction with him in case he tries to lie about me, having to go to therapists and meditate and do everything the way he wants to because I have no other option at this point) that my kid is not getting the attention, or life he deserves. That's when I started to feel less guilty. I was like - I could put ALL OF THIS ENERGY into MY CHILD, watch them flourish and possibly enjoy my life?! WTF AM I DOING!
Also, my anxiety has become physical symptoms. I was in bed for a week a month ago because I literally felt like I was dying. I spoke to two doctors. All was fine. They told me to go back on medication to deal with the anxiety.
TIME TO GO!
I think I'm getting past the guilt, or at least as much as I can while I'm still living with him. If I do find myself feeling a guilty, usually something happens soon enough to remind me that it's not just that I want to get away from all this chaos, but I actually NEED to get away. He isn't going to change and I'd rather deal with any guilt I have than continue on this course of trying to cope with H's antics anymore.
When learning how to life save in the water, you learn that you have to let go of someone who will drag you under. Leaving a PD often feels like that, but if you stay, you go down.
Guilt is an interesting emotion. People do terrible things and don't feel in the least bit guilty (abusers for one!) Others have done no wrong but are crippled by the guilt planted and tended by theirabusers. Guilt is a key method of control used by our abusive loved ones. It's the G of FOG.
People have enough to deal with when leaving difficult relationships, they don't need misplaced feelings of guilt. Remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. You can however heal yourself and make a good life for yourself. You deserve it. ❤️
:yeahthat:
Quote from: Poison Ivy on July 09, 2020, 01:20:33 PM
For those who feel guilty: Is there anything that outweighs your guilty feelings? For example, if you have children, do your responsibilities to protect your children outweigh your feelings about not hurting your spouse, and if your health is being harmed, does your responsibility to take care of yourself outweigh your feelings of guilt regarding your spouse's health?
Sadly, and I've lost friends over this, I've stayed even though my kids are a wreck. I keep trying to balance things. I have am older daughter who went to one of the US military acadrmies on a full scholarship ride and midway through her first year she came home an anxiety ridden wreck and has had therapy ever since not because of boot camp but because of her mother. She has blue hair now and suicidal ideation. My youngest daughter has severe anxiety and depression and can't handle large tasks by breaking them up and completely lives in dissociative thinking just like her mom. My son is for now not showing signs of it but they all live in fear like I do and we all walk on egg shells.
Quote from: Poison Ivy on July 09, 2020, 01:20:33 PM
For those who feel guilty: Is there anything that outweighs your guilty feelings? For example, if you have children, do your responsibilities to protect your children outweigh your feelings about not hurting your spouse, and if your health is being harmed, does your responsibility to take care of yourself outweigh your feelings of guilt regarding your spouse's health?
This is what sealed the deal for me - my kids. I knew 1,000% that I had to model a better way of living for them and it wasn't possible to do so while remaining in my marriage. Any time I've felt guilt I just remind myself that my kids' future is more important than how my exPDw made me feel about anything.
The guilt has pretty much gone away, but it pops up every now and then. When I closed on my new house a few months ago I felt a few twangs of guilt sweep over me. Hard to describe, but somehow it felt like such a huge step in moving forward while it was also the final nail in the coffin of our marriage and divorce. Even though the divorce was final and I wasn't going back, it felt like the one last thing that couldn't be undone.
If you can find that reason for leaving that is bigger than the guilt you feel, you will be able to overcome it.
Quote from: pushit on July 10, 2020, 12:13:10 PM
If you can find that reason for leaving that is bigger than the guilt you feel, you will be able to overcome it.
Thank you everyone for you thoughts. It is helpful to read these as I'm working my way through this. I do not have children, so for me I need something else powerful as a reason.
Pushit.. when I saw what your wrote, I thought... maybe for me it can be something as simple as me being able to feel like I'm not held back from doing what makes me happy. I'm going to try to think that getting to a future place that I can be an authentic happier version of myself, is something bigger than the guilt.
It is brutal though, but seeing all these responses and thoughts does help.
PS. I planned to say the words out loud and speak to her today and tell her the relationship was over but I couldn't bring myself to do it (again). :sadno:
Can someone just do it for me please and then wake me up when it is all over and the sun is up and I can feel like I can be me again. :-\
I am going to try again tomorrow. It feels horrible. It has been such a battle for me to complete the breakup. I will try to update tomorrow night whether I was able to successfully follow through with it or not. I want to be on the other side :unsure: :( :-\
Quote from: NeedSupport on July 10, 2020, 07:18:50 PM
Pushit.. when I saw what your wrote, I thought... maybe for me it can be something as simple as me being able to feel like I'm not held back from doing what makes me happy. I'm going to try to think that getting to a future place that I can be an authentic happier version of myself, is something bigger than the guilt.
That sounds like a great reason. And you know what? You absolutely deserve to be an authentic happy version of yourself. A healthy relationship with a healthy partner would provide just that. Healthy partners allow each other to grow and change, and support them while they do.
Quote from: NeedSupport on July 10, 2020, 07:52:14 PM
Can someone just do it for me please and then wake me up when it is all over and the sun is up and I can feel like I can be me again. :-\
I know you're saying this in jest, but the answer is obviously no. The good part about going through it is that you will grow from this experience, and become a much improved version of yourself. I'm still working on recovering from my marriage, probably 60-70% of the way there. But, I'm so thankful for the experience of dealing with my exPDw and how it has allowed me to wake up and reevaluate all the relationships I have. Sadly, some of the people I used to consider good friends are not as important to me now. I've recognized some of the same manipulative behaviors in them (though to a much lesser degree) and have become less interested in continuing a close friendship. This experience has created a road map for me to foster better relationships in the future. I've been through hell, but the future is bright and I'm a better man because of this experience.
Look on the bright side - Not married and no kids together. You are free to move on very easily. I have three kids with my exPDw so we're bonded for life....be thankful you don't have that burden to bear. Don't take that as bitterness on my part, I wouldn't trade my kids for the world even though I will have to deal with my ex in the future.
When you decide to say it - I suggest keeping it short, simple, and to the point. Don't get sucked into a long circular conversation, just state what you want to happen and end the discussion. Even leave the room or house if you have to. Or heck, just move out while she's gone and write her an email to break up. Do what you need to do and don't worry about how it looks. I can't tell you how many times my ex was able to suck me into a circular conversation and make it all my fault, I knew when I divorced her that it couldn't be a face to face discussion so I just moved out and had her served. It really sucked at first, but now it's just a memory and I'm much happier.
Good luck, let us know how it goes tomorrow.
Thanks for the thoughts Pushit.
I should begin the conversation any time now, within the next hour or so; I'm already tensing up and considering backing out of doing it again :unsure:
Has anyone else ever been paralyzed by having to have this conversation? Did you just blurt it out to get it over with? I'm concerned I'll back out of doing it again.
I failed again and could not pull myself to force the conversation :( it feels horrible. I keep letting myself down.
NeedSupport- what is it, do you think, that is 'preventing' you from doing it/saying it out loud to her?
Is it fear of her reaction? (Violence, guilt, etc?) Is it your own mixed feelings about it?
What do you imagine might happen when you say it out loud to her (what's the worst, what's the best possible outcome/response/etc)?
e.g. I know that from my experience with uOCPDh that if/when I were to say to him, I'm done, I'm leaving, I want a divorce - there would be alternating rage, tears, threats of suicide, attempts to stop me from leaving the house, etc. I don't feel strong enough to respond well to any of that, so I feel that I may need to either just LEAVE (and have him served). I thought at one point that I would ask him to meet me somewhere public to avoid a 'scene', but with COVID I don't think that's really possible...
I'm similar to you a bit where I feel like I wont be able to handle the after-math. Guilt is a big one. I think the largest one is my brain thinking there is a way to turn this into a normal relationship and it tells me I will regret leaving it later. When logic points in the opposite direction, my brain is still somehow trying to make a relationship that does not work.. work :doh:
Originally I thought it was fear of lonliness, but I've gotten over that. I think it is just afraid of the aftermath and guilt. I dont think there will be suicide threats/attempts, but constant barrage of nasty stuff is likely. Then the silet treatment (even if I am attempting no-contact.. will also hurt like ice daggers). It is so difficult. I've been working with a personal therapist, and that has helped... but here I am .. stillllllll not pulling the rip cord :sadno:
This seems extreme, I've known this relationship is not right for me for atleast a year now. Has anyone had such a level of failing to leave/break up like this? How did you actually get it done?
NeedSupport, is there a person in your life who would be willing to be your coach or support person, i.e., someone to tell you "you can do this" and to whom you would report after you tell your partner that you want to split up?
Quote from: pushit on July 10, 2020, 10:30:26 PM
Quote from: NeedSupport on July 10, 2020, 07:18:50 PM
Pushit.. when I saw what your wrote, I thought... maybe for me it can be something as simple as me being able to feel like I'm not held back from doing what makes me happy. I'm going to try to think that getting to a future place that I can be an authentic happier version of myself, is something bigger than the guilt.
That sounds like a great reason. And you know what? You absolutely deserve to be an authentic happy version of yourself. A healthy relationship with a healthy partner would provide just that. Healthy partners allow each other to grow and change, and support them while they do.
Quote from: NeedSupport on July 10, 2020, 07:52:14 PM
Can someone just do it for me please and then wake me up when it is all over and the sun is up and I can feel like I can be me again. :-\
I know you're saying this in jest, but the answer is obviously no. The good part about going through it is that you will grow from this experience, and become a much improved version of yourself. I'm still working on recovering from my marriage, probably 60-70% of the way there. But, I'm so thankful for the experience of dealing with my exPDw and how it has allowed me to wake up and reevaluate all the relationships I have. Sadly, some of the people I used to consider good friends are not as important to me now. I've recognized some of the same manipulative behaviors in them (though to a much lesser degree) and have become less interested in continuing a close friendship. This experience has created a road map for me to foster better relationships in the future. I've been through hell, but the future is bright and I'm a better man because of this experience.
Look on the bright side - Not married and no kids together. You are free to move on very easily. I have three kids with my exPDw so we're bonded for life....be thankful you don't have that burden to bear. Don't take that as bitterness on my part, I wouldn't trade my kids for the world even though I will have to deal with my ex in the future.
When you decide to say it - I suggest keeping it short, simple, and to the point. Don't get sucked into a long circular conversation, just state what you want to happen and end the discussion. Even leave the room or house if you have to. Or heck, just move out while she's gone and write her an email to break up. Do what you need to do and don't worry about how it looks. I can't tell you how many times my ex was able to suck me into a circular conversation and make it all my fault, I knew when I divorced her that it couldn't be a face to face discussion so I just moved out and had her served. It really sucked at first, but now it's just a memory and I'm much happier.
Good luck, let us know how it goes tomorrow.
It sounds like you are just ahead of the curve of me. Congratulations on making it to where you are now.
Can I ask, what was the last push like, from the last circular failed attempt at leaving, to having a fully executable plan of moving out (where to go), how to juggle childcare through the divorce etc?
I'm currently thinking about my reboot final plan 2.0. Having realised i cannot leave wife, without literally physically leaving (even though my lawyers have said not to do this)... it has to be this way, she's just too slippery and emotionally overwhelming to ever take my no for an answer.
Fascinated for insight...
I wish I was a bit further on the curve, (the other side), but similar to you I am still in the "I'm going to do it" phase. In my situation if I were to write out the phases I've gone through it would probably be:
- Prevent breakup, I'm at fault
- Prevent breakup, maybe it is me and she is right, I havent shown her enough love
- Prevent breakup, did i really give it my all? lets try again and give more and see if that works
- started a log of when she had emotional blow-ups or would do push/pull or break up with me.. and saw a pattern when i put it on a calendar
- Prevent breakup - REALIZE IT HAPPENS EVERY MONTH
- Plan to leave next time she breaks up with me
- Prevent Breakup - confused why I didnt take the chance to get out
- Plan to leave next time she breaks up with me FOR REAL NEXT TIME
- Prevent breakup - disappointed I somehow fought the break up again!
- Accepting that the relationship is toxic
- Tried to figure out why it is toxic so I can make sense of it all
- Accepting it doesn't matter why it is toxic, it only matters that it is toxic or atleast to make feels toxic
- Realized the breakup may not be something I want.. but something i need to do
- Put wheels in motion to have a new place because that would prevent me from backing out
- Allowed breakup to happen when she next broke it up... wow I actually didnt fight it.. and I can try to limp forward
- Fell back into relationship after a month of NC due to hoover regarding pandemic fears from her
- Prevent breakup - :stars:
- Trying to work up the courage every day to break it off
- Failing to break it off every day, because when I try to get into the mindset to do it.. my brain shuts off, and I cant follow through with it
-Prevent breakup :stars:
- Tell myself to just do it and get it done... then I dont
- anxious I'm ruining my life by not following through with break up
----- and as of today.. I'm hoping to get the courage or wisdom, or mindset, or acceptance, or clarity.. of what ever I need to complete the breakup tonight or this weekend.
wow... writing that out, and I only wrote about 1/10th of the saga.... maybe you should write it out?
I wish i had a magic bullet for you or could pass along my wisdom.... but we are in the same boat i think, keep doing your best and I'll try to keep doing my best also... congrats to where you have gotten.. I think by both being here and discussing this, we both are in a better place along the curve than we probably were months ago. Has anyone recently been in the above cycle and broken it!? It feels like it is starting to swallow me up again.
I'm struggling too.
For different reasons.
I think I'm not strong enough... Or h is to skilled with manipulation, to withstand the face to face drama.
Found out today I can do virtual therapy with no copay so I think I'll give that a try.
Quote from: mrconfused on July 15, 2020, 06:18:59 PM
It sounds like you are just ahead of the curve of me. Congratulations on making it to where you are now.
Can I ask, what was the last push like, from the last circular failed attempt at leaving, to having a fully executable plan of moving out (where to go), how to juggle childcare through the divorce etc?
I'm currently thinking about my reboot final plan 2.0. Having realised i cannot leave wife, without literally physically leaving (even though my lawyers have said not to do this)... it has to be this way, she's just too slippery and emotionally overwhelming to ever take my no for an answer.
Fascinated for insight...
There were no failed circular attempts at leaving for me, oddly enough. I figured out she was likely BPD and decided to stick around for the kids until they were adults, though I was mentally done with all the fighting. I remember going to bed at night and thinking "one more day done, only 14 more years of this and then I can leave". Ugh, how depressing. I stayed in the marriage for about 18 months after I came Out of the FOG. Over time, the less I engaged, the more outrageous her behavior became and eventually I had to leave to protect myself and the kids.
Since I had researched BPD a lot, I knew there was no way to have a discussion about divorce. If I were to leave, I would need to have her served, move out that same day, and deal with the courts. My lawyer advised against leaving the home, but I woke up at 3AM with her standing over me like Cathy Bates in the movie Misery the last night I was there so I called my attorney and told him "Plan B, no way in hell I'm sleeping in that house again". (she hadn't been served yet, but I knew it was coming the next day) He told me it wasn't that big of a deal and it ended up being fine that I left. (but check for sure in your jurisdiction)
I'll never forget that night/morning. She hadn't been served yet, we had two encounters overnight. The one at 3AM and another at 6AM when I tried to come upstairs from the basement. She blocked me and told me I'm not allowed upstairs. :stars: I eventually got her to back down when I said I'm calling the police. I made coffee, went to my office, watched her wake up the kids 2 minutes before they need to leave and scream them out the door (I was never allowed to be a part of improving this process, it was her system), and when the kids wanted to tell me good morning she shooed them away from me. It was creepy, she kept stomping back and forth past my office and glaring at me. They finally left, I went into action packing up my essential belongings and went to work (this is when I called my lawyer and told him I'm out for good). I wasn't even comfortable taking a shower at home before work, felt too vulnerable. Thankfully my work had a shower there. What a morning! I was sweating profusely from stress, I stunk bad, and my truck was jammed full of stuff. Then, I waited for the call from my lawyer that she had been served. I went through all the proper steps - I notified my kids' school of what was happening and told them to let me know if the kids get picked up early, told my boss that he may get some crazy phone calls, etc. The hardest part was worrying about my kids. My lawyer said I can't "pre-punish" someone and since my ex usually picked up the kids I had to let it happen. I had told him I wanted to have the kids with me that night but he said that would look really bad to the courts if I picked them up instead. That was one of the hardest afternoons of my life - checking into a hotel, not knowing if my ex would harm the kids, and knowing that I was guaranteed one hell of a ride in the coming weeks.
Having a fully executed plan with a PD? LOL!!!! Yeah, we had a plan, but....She was served, accused me of a bunch of things, then had a mental breakdown and our lawyers agreed that the kids would remain with me until we received papers stating that she was not a threat to herself or the kids. It took two weeks to get those papers. In the meantime, (unbeknownst to me) exPDw moved out of our house, took all of the kids belongings, and I scrambled like crazy to get the kids to school without backpacks, snow pants, underwear, etc, while my lawyer barked at me that it's critical to get them to school. The craziest two weeks of my life!! My lawyer and I had a plan in the beginning, but things changed minute by minute. We just needed to adjust and overcome.
There is no magic formula for this. I just shared maybe 5% of what I went through, it was a complete shit show for about 6 weeks. It's really about protecting yourself, and being DETERMINED to go through with it. After everything I'd seen at home, all the manipulation I'd been through, and the disaster she was turning our lives into, there was no other choice but to make a hard split and let the chips fall where they may. The best advice I can give is get yourself a good lawyer, one that is proactive and not afraid to go on the offensive. I don't mean one that wants to attack and engage in needless battles, but one that is realistic and won't back down. My ex started with a ton of accusations, my lawyer quickly turned it around and put her on the defensive. My ex did me a huge favor by just being herself, when she acted out she forced her lawyer to quickly settle this in mediation.
Writing all that forced me to remember that day, and stirred up some emotions tonight. But, I'll tell you this. Tonight, my kids and I went to the neighbors house for a BBQ, had a great dinner and the kids ran around like crazy warriors in the backyard. Full of smiles and laughter, while the parents chatted on the porch. The kids and I are happier then we've ever been and the amount of self confidence they have now is light years ahead of where they were just two years ago. I have zero doubt that I made the right decision, as tough as it has been to go through it.
Everybody has their breaking point, and that's when you decide it's time to figure out an escape. Don't be afraid to do it secretly. Mine was all secret, and we've made it through to the other side stronger than we were before. You WILL know when you're ready. Best of luck to you!
What finally pushed me past the guilt and the personal doubts and feelings of obligation that I had was taking a head first fall down my basement steps in late December breaking a vertebra in my back along with assorted other injuries. I'm still recovering from that event and just had a surgery this week to repair some internal damage (now that covid measures allow for nonemergency surgery). As I have worked on recovering, I realized that this isn't a dress rehearsal, that when this life is done, it is literally done. There is no do over. Most of the years I have been married to my dnpdh, I have debated staying or leaving. I've lost a lot in my life due to his antics and the stress on others who had to deal with our dynamic. I realized how much I want peace in my life (defined as lack of strife) and that there is no way to achieve that while married to H. So now I just wait for a senior apartment to open up for me so that I can move away and then institute divorce proceedings.
A PS to this is I had that surgery this week and he did absolutely nothing to help me over the past several days. Not even filling up a glass of water. He has to be asked to do anything and instructed in it (like how full to fill the glass or he will only put an inch or 2 of water in it). To top it off, a liver biopsy was taken due to a "suspicious" area. He hasn't once asked if the results are in or not. Not even interested. But if I brought up his lack of interest, it would be denials of that and demands to know the answer, but only as a means to avoid the fact that he hasn't asked even once on his own. :doh: And so that no one worries, yes, they found a liver issue but it is NOT cancer. But H has no idea and will not ask if not prompted in some manner. For me this is just another example of if I start thinking things are not THAT bad and feeling more comfortable, something will happen to remind me that things really are that bad.
I did it. I forced the conversation last night. I feel bad for trying to stick to this plan. Feels like I am quitting something that I shouldnt. Some doubt already kicking in. Some guilt sneaking in as well. via the "FOG" the obligation and guilt part of it is setting in now that I have done this and i feel the obligation and guilt every time I remind myself to stick to it this time. Feels selfish and I feel bad and it seems like I'm making a life mistake but I'll try to keep at it. :no:
Good for you!!!! Give yourself a pat on the back, you took a big step!!
I would suggest keeping as much distance as possible. Are you still living together? If so, try not to be around your place when she's there, if you can. If you're out, then stay out and don't go back. Any interaction will be an easy way to get sucked back in. To move forward I would sever any financial ties you may have - bank accounts, leases, car loans, whatever there is.
I can assure you that even though the guilt feels overwhelming, it will fade away slowly over time. Don't feel bad about feeling guilty, allow yourself to process it. Remind yourself that it's okay to have down days. Man, I certainly had my share of them.
I think all of us that go through these relationships deal with C-PTSD at some level. I heard a great description of the recovery from PTSD recently, I think it applies to recovering from these relationships as well (though PTSD comes from a single event, and C-PTSD is from ongoing trauma). It's not something that is just "gone" one day, it's a weight you shed over time. You may start out with a 500 lb weight of PTSD on your back, then 6 months later it's 300 lb, and a year later it's down to 50 lb. I can certainly relate to that description. The symptoms I had in the beginning (hyper-vigilance, irritability, trouble concentrating, trouble sleeping, loss of interest in things) are mostly gone now. Stick with it, and I think you'll find the same to be true.
I am planning my exit. Got myself a PayPal account under a made-up email but my real name. Connected it to a new bank account (through PayPal). He would notice if I withdrew money from our income, so I'm being sneaky- use a couponing app to buy groceries, send the rewards to my Paypal; Survey apps (totally a pain but have earned a few hundred); do a little freelance; stocking up on things like makeup, underwear, toiletries, tampons, things he wouldn't use or question when I leave with it- when the time comes, I will be stocked up. It isn't much but if anything it makes me feel like I have something to myself and I can make it.
If I start to feel guilty, all I have to do is remind myself that he has refused to follow a budget for 20 years, drinks alcohol every night (that adds up!) won't apply for promotions while I work 2 jobs, withdrew his retirement in a panic a few years back... (I could keep going!). If I don't prepare a little, he will do everything in his power to get everything he can.
Good luck!
Quote from: pushit on July 19, 2020, 10:50:58 PM
I can assure you that even though the guilt feels overwhelming, it will fade away slowly over time. Don't feel bad about feeling guilty, allow yourself to process it. Remind yourself that it's okay to have down days. Man, I certainly had my share of them.
The symptoms I had in the beginning (hyper-vigilance, irritability, trouble concentrating, trouble sleeping, loss of interest in things) are mostly gone now. Stick with it, and I think you'll find the same to be true.
Thanks Pushit. I've made it through the first 36 hours post end of relationship discussion. The first text from her came in just now, I couldnt tell exactly if she was making a statement or a request, but I think it is an attempt to meet in person to discuss further. Her txt insinuated it was a mistake that it seems we made a large life decision over the phone. I have not responded yet, but I'm not sure how to handle this. Maybe neutral response or greyrock?
Frustratedanddiscouraged ... hang in there you seem to be making progress.
Quote from: NeedSupport on July 20, 2020, 12:44:02 PM
Quote from: pushit on July 19, 2020, 10:50:58 PM
I can assure you that even though the guilt feels overwhelming, it will fade away slowly over time. Don't feel bad about feeling guilty, allow yourself to process it. Remind yourself that it's okay to have down days. Man, I certainly had my share of them.
The symptoms I had in the beginning (hyper-vigilance, irritability, trouble concentrating, trouble sleeping, loss of interest in things) are mostly gone now. Stick with it, and I think you'll find the same to be true.
Thanks Pushit. I've made it through the first 36 hours post end of relationship discussion. The first text from her came in just now, I couldnt tell exactly if she was making a statement or a request, but I think it is an attempt to meet in person to discuss further. Her txt insinuated it was a mistake that it seems we made a large life decision over the phone. I have not responded yet, but I'm not sure how to handle this. Maybe neutral response or greyrock?
Frustratedanddiscouraged ... hang in there you seem to be making progress.
Do you want to end the relationship? If so state that you have nothing further to discuss at this point and if there is anything further to deal with e.g. personal belongings or what not, then say you will be in touch when you feel ready.
If you want to get back together, then reply to their questions, meet up and resume your regular patterns of behaviour.
If you are unsure whether you want to get back together, then reply to their questions, meet up and resume your regular patterns of behaviour.
:yeahthat:
What mrconfused said. You need to make your decision and stick with it.