Local lockdown and I'm happy - I'm going to hell!

p123 · September 17, 2020, 03:28:28 AM

Local COVID lockdown here in Wales. Certain counties only. (Rhondda Cynon Taff and Caerphilly).

Dad lives in RCT. I live two counties over - in Newport which is not in lockdown. From 6pm tonight, no-one can travel into or out of locked down counties without a good reason.

FM brother is already annoyed and saying I should still visit. Dad is already having a go saying I "should be able to still visit".

Rules are you can still visit to provide care for an elderly person who is vulnerable. I don't provide care, and hes not vulnerable. He looks after himself, gets meals on wheels. All I do for him is get "some" groceries for him. More importantly, brother lives in the county a mile away - he also gets groceries for Dad. If I did not exist, Dad would be fine - he was last lockdown.

In all truth, if I were pulled over by the police, I'd have very little to validate my visit as "essential"

I've explained this to him and hes not happy. Tough. Brother, apparently, is furious that I'm not making an exception. Tough. I won't be able to discuss because hes still blocked and will remain so.

Thing is:-

1. I don't want to go anyway normally. (yeh I know I shouldn't be happy about it so I am going to hell!)
2. He really does not NEED me to visit for any specific reason (apart from maybe lack of narc supply from me!)
3. The way he treats me I also think, "why should I try to bend the rules for you?". Someone else maybe.

Am I right here?

I do feel a little guilty about being pleased this has happened, but everything else I think "no way".

Waz · September 17, 2020, 07:37:17 AM

I hope it is a very long lockdown! Enjoy your treat of freedom from visits.🎆

Call Me Cordelia · September 17, 2020, 07:44:09 AM

Of course you're right. The entitlement is such that they're angry you won't break the law for them! Even if you wanted to visit otherwise, that's really beyond the pale. There's no care for you whatsoever, p, as you well know. Add this to the copious files of evidence, do what you please, and enjoy lockdown.

However, be prepared for an "emergency." He's fallen and can't get up and brother just started a double shift and can't be reached! You have to come NOW. He's out of food and lockdown has all the delivery services booked and brother's vehicle is broken! He'll find some way of becoming vulnerable so your handy "against the law" excuse has a plausible loophole.

If I were a betting type, I'd put money on it. But I'd need a ride to the betting shop.

Of course you could simply block his number for the duration of lockdown. And just leave it that way as long as you like. Honestly from across the ocean I don't see why not. (I mean, I do, I get this is deeply difficult stuff. I don't mean to be rude.) That's why I don't often respond to your threads, because they are the same thing over and over. There's nothing new to add. But from where I am I see you have nothing to lose and a heck of a lot of space to be reclaimed. Space for you FOC, your own joy, your own LIFE!

Sneezy · September 17, 2020, 11:23:26 AM

The past six months has made me really think about what is important to me and what isn't. And one thing that is NOT important to me is being at mom's beck and call to drive her around and entertain her and feed her drama needs. Obviously, none of us wishes for a pandemic. But it happened. And if some good comes out of it, such as giving you a break from your dad or helping you find some peace and quiet, well then, enjoy it. Without feeling guilty.

nanotech · September 17, 2020, 11:34:23 AM

I saw it on the news and thought of you!
Of course no one wants a pandemic. But we must follow the law.
When a third party muscles in on the enmeshed relationships we have with PDs, it shines a huge bright light on their ridiculous demands.
That's why they get grumpy.

p123 · September 18, 2020, 02:40:52 AM

Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on September 17, 2020, 07:44:09 AM
Of course you're right. The entitlement is such that they're angry you won't break the law for them! Even if you wanted to visit otherwise, that's really beyond the pale. There's no care for you whatsoever, p, as you well know. Add this to the copious files of evidence, do what you please, and enjoy lockdown.

However, be prepared for an "emergency." He's fallen and can't get up and brother just started a double shift and can't be reached! You have to come NOW. He's out of food and lockdown has all the delivery services booked and brother's vehicle is broken! He'll find some way of becoming vulnerable so your handy "against the law" excuse has a plausible loophole.

If I were a betting type, I'd put money on it. But I'd need a ride to the betting shop.

Of course you could simply block his number for the duration of lockdown. And just leave it that way as long as you like. Honestly from across the ocean I don't see why not. (I mean, I do, I get this is deeply difficult stuff. I don't mean to be rude.) That's why I don't often respond to your threads, because they are the same thing over and over. There's nothing new to add. But from where I am I see you have nothing to lose and a heck of a lot of space to be reclaimed. Space for you FOC, your own joy, your own LIFE!

Ha ha - thanks. yeh i didnt consider this.

p123 · September 18, 2020, 02:45:07 AM

Well I even emailed the Assembly member yesterday and got a reply. 100% no its not allowed despite what he and brother think.

I've promised to phone him today to "let him know". Pretty sure hes hoping its ok - I did tell him I was 99% sure though.
Hes not going to be happy. Brother is going to be steaming mad because he sees it as an "excuse".

I must admit its all worked out rather well to be honest...

guitarman · September 18, 2020, 04:38:52 AM

It seems that your father thinks that he is "special" and the law doesn't apply to him. He is the exception. He has a sense of entitlement that everyone has to follow to please him. It's also the black or white thinking. If you aren't his friend then you become his enemy.

Whatever happens, stay calm. He may try to provoke you into anger. He is projecting all his anger about the situation onto you.

Abusers are all about power and control. They don't like it when their power and control are taken away, especially by law.

Be well prepared beforehand with information about organisations that will be able to help him in an emergency. There will be voluntary groups nearby setup to help. Let them take on the responsibility of caring for him. It's their duty, not yours.

Become a lighthouse not a lifeboat.

Observe, don't absorb.

Keep calm. Keep strong. Keep posting.

p123 · September 18, 2020, 08:44:55 AM

Quote from: guitarman on September 18, 2020, 04:38:52 AM
It seems that your father thinks that he is "special" and the law doesn't apply to him. He is the exception. He has a sense of entitlement that everyone has to follow to please him. It's also the black or white thinking. If you aren't his friend then you become his enemy.

Whatever happens, stay calm. He may try to provoke you into anger. He is projecting all his anger about the situation onto you.

Abusers are all about power and control. They don't like it when their power and control are taken away, especially by law.

Be well prepared beforehand with information about organisations that will be able to help him in an emergency. There will be voluntary groups nearby setup to help. Let them take on the responsibility of caring for him. It's their duty, not yours.

Become a lighthouse not a lifeboat.

Observe, don't absorb.

Keep calm. Keep strong. Keep posting.

Yes I phoned him to let him know that I can't visit - he was not happy.
Tried to convince me he needs help because hes so ill - hes not. Think hes exempt. Of course, my brother is a mile down the road in the same county so can go see him. He does not need me.

Yep he tried the "but it'll be ok no-one will know you've visited".

No. Same again. No, 5 times. Feels so good just to say NO.

blacksheep7 · September 18, 2020, 10:35:24 AM

Quote from: p123 on September 18, 2020, 08:44:55 AM
Quote from: guitarman on September 18, 2020, 04:38:52 AM
It seems that your father thinks that he is "special" and the law doesn't apply to him. He is the exception. He has a sense of entitlement that everyone has to follow to please him. It's also the black or white thinking. If you aren't his friend then you become his enemy.

Whatever happens, stay calm. He may try to provoke you into anger. He is projecting all his anger about the situation onto you.

Abusers are all about power and control. They don't like it when their power and control are taken away, especially by law.

Be well prepared beforehand with information about organisations that will be able to help him in an emergency. There will be voluntary groups nearby setup to help. Let them take on the responsibility of caring for him. It's their duty, not yours.

Become a lighthouse not a lifeboat.

Observe, don't absorb.

Keep calm. Keep strong. Keep posting.

Yes I phoned him to let him know that I can't visit - he was not happy.
Tried to convince me he needs help because hes so ill - hes not. Think hes exempt. Of course, my brother is a mile down the road in the same county so can go see him. He does not need me.

Yep he tried the "but it'll be ok no-one will know you've visited".

No. Same again. No, 5 times. Feels so good just to say NO.

Good for you P123!

It does get easier with time

My GC bro 1 is in town visiting and staying with M., lives 1.5hrs away in another big city. They will probably be doing the rounds at family and/or friends and I must not forget that they will probably visit surrogate dd like always who just left her life partner of 15-20 yrs once again, the usual drama.

They love and feed off it

We are slowly going back to confinement here as many other places....but hey, who cares....

p123 · September 18, 2020, 10:58:43 AM

Quote from: blacksheep7 on September 18, 2020, 10:35:24 AM
Quote from: p123 on September 18, 2020, 08:44:55 AM
Quote from: guitarman on September 18, 2020, 04:38:52 AM
It seems that your father thinks that he is "special" and the law doesn't apply to him. He is the exception. He has a sense of entitlement that everyone has to follow to please him. It's also the black or white thinking. If you aren't his friend then you become his enemy.

Whatever happens, stay calm. He may try to provoke you into anger. He is projecting all his anger about the situation onto you.

Abusers are all about power and control. They don't like it when their power and control are taken away, especially by law.

Be well prepared beforehand with information about organisations that will be able to help him in an emergency. There will be voluntary groups nearby setup to help. Let them take on the responsibility of caring for him. It's their duty, not yours.

Become a lighthouse not a lifeboat.

Observe, don't absorb.

Keep calm. Keep strong. Keep posting.

Yes I phoned him to let him know that I can't visit - he was not happy.
Tried to convince me he needs help because hes so ill - hes not. Think hes exempt. Of course, my brother is a mile down the road in the same county so can go see him. He does not need me.

Yep he tried the "but it'll be ok no-one will know you've visited".

No. Same again. No, 5 times. Feels so good just to say NO.

Good for you P123! It does get easier with time

My GC bro 1 is in town visiting and staying with M., lives 1.5hrs away in another big city. They will probably be doing the rounds at family and/or friends and I must not forget that they will probably visit surrogate dd like always who just left her life partner of 15-20 yrs once again, the usual drama.

They love and feed off it
We are slowly going back to confinement here as many other places....but hey, who cares....

Do you know what - it actually feels so good to just say NO !

I read the rules etc. then I thought "would a normal person consider him vulnerable and in need of care and can't cope if I didnt visit".
I thought and realised NO WAY. You could leave him for a month and he'd be in perfect health.

He just WANTS me to visit.

Adrianna · September 18, 2020, 03:56:47 PM

It does feel good to say no because no one deserves to be treated the way he treats you. You're standing up for yourself. Let this lockdown be the kickstart you need. That good feeling is a sign that you are doing the right thing for YOU.

We were not put on this earth to be anyone's doormat.

illogical · September 18, 2020, 04:43:50 PM

Hi p123,

You've bought yourself a little time-- two weeks of not having to listen to him whine and complain about how miserable he is, and what are you going to do about it? (he says).

Okay, enjoy. Party down. Two weeks of bliss. YAH!

I would not waste this time, however, resting on my laurels. He won't. He'll be back to his old tricks when the lockdown is over. More of the same ole same ole.

Come up with a plan that encompasses exactly how much time you are willing to spend with him, and stick to it. Otherwise, it will be more of the same, I'm afraid-- your dad manufacturing chaos, triangulating you and your brother, going into waify mode, etc., etc., etc. In other words, not much will have changed. Just the same stress factor. You push back, but he inevitably "wins".

Maybe focus on your family during the two week reprieve. And realize that the world won't end because you aren't catering to his every whim. Quite the contrary. I personally found that the more time I spent away from NM, the more time I "regained" my life and focused on me, the more I was a happier person.

Take care!

Adrianna · September 18, 2020, 05:27:57 PM

"Quite the contrary. I personally found that the more time I spent away from NM, the more time I "regained" my life and focused on me, the more I was a happier person."

Spot on!

guitarman · September 19, 2020, 01:05:47 AM

p123 I wonder would your father pay the fine for you if you visited him or would he ever visit you in prison? I think we know the answer to that question.

As someone else told me here "No" is a complete sentence. You don't have to JADE that is justify, argue, defend or explain yourself.

I hope that you now feel more empowered and assertive by calmly saying no. It's a good feeling.

The reason you aren't supposed to visit him is to stop the spread of covid-19, to stop people spreading a potentially deadly virus! Some people just don't get it or think the rules don't apply to them. They may have magical thinking where they imagine they are protected. They are selfish and arrogant.

p123 · September 21, 2020, 02:48:01 AM

Hopefully, it'll be longer than two weeks. Next county over is 2 weeks and still going....

Hes still up to his tricks. Remember hes told me about 20 times that brother phones him every day? I think hes "decided" I should do the same.

He used the "but its my birthday" to call him saturday, then "but you always call on a sunday" for yesterday. Today its "but you promised to phone x for me so call me tomorrow with an update".
I just don't get why he needs to do this? Why force me to phone him like this when he pretty much worked out I dont want to phone him every day?
If someone didnt want to phone me I'd just think "oh well".

Might not sound like much but, honestly, its 20 mins where he pretty much sucks the life out of me. I do not want to speak to him every day.

lkdrymom · September 21, 2020, 05:58:48 AM

You took a giant step when you realized saying NO actually feels good.

p123 · September 21, 2020, 10:54:54 AM

Quote from: lkdrymom on September 21, 2020, 05:58:48 AM
You took a giant step when you realized saying NO actually feels good.

Feels so good. Its weird. Even in a mean sort of way so dunno if thats right.
Sort of like "yes unlucky you didn't get what you wanted".

There are local lockdowns here in wales. My county now. So I can't go and see him - I just think "great!!!!"

Hes trying to get me to phone every day. No chance. Going to leave it a few days. He'll be so annoyed but you know what I think "good I'm glad".

nanotech · September 21, 2020, 12:34:05 PM

Quote from: p123 on September 21, 2020, 10:54:54 AM
Quote from: lkdrymom on September 21, 2020, 05:58:48 AM
You took a giant step when you realized saying NO actually feels good.

Feels so good. Its weird. Even in a mean sort of way so dunno if thats right.
Sort of like "yes unlucky you didn't get what you wanted".

There are local lockdowns here in wales. My county now. So I can't go and see him - I just think "great!!!!"

Hes trying to get me to phone every day. No chance. Going to leave it a few days. He'll be so annoyed but you know what I think "good I'm glad".

Yes I agree, it's a giant step when you begin to feel the benefit of the 'no'.
I think it's because we used to say yes all the time, when our gut said no. We'd get a momentary relief just from getting them off our backs, but it was swiftly followed by unease.
Now, your gut says no,and you SAY no. Head, heart and gut in sync -and the feeling is fiiiiiine!
Our authentic voice.
Something like that anyway!
We realise we CAN say it. We realise we are ENTITLED to say it.

lkdrymom · September 22, 2020, 06:03:08 AM

I remember those phone calls. I dreaded them. Everything was a crisis. They never called just to say HI or tell you some happy news. It was the gloom and doom report or and 'organ recital' of all their aches and pains and "wait until you get old!!". It never occurred to them that they were unpleasant to talk to. My father used to start every call with "I've got a problem...." and I could feel my blood pressure shoot up. Even when I fixed his problems he wasn't satisfied....was I sure they were fixed? The guy said it was still a problem. What GUY? You know...THE GUY. Saying "THE GUY" louder still does not explain to me who he is. Instead of developing his own interests your father has all day to think of crap to drive you insane. My father used to think I needed something to do....I was married with 2 kids, a full time job, large house and property, hobbies...why would he think I needed more to do??? And then they convince themselves that they are doing you the favor by allowing them to do their chore, work or solve their problem that they created out of their own lack of thinking or planning. Yeah that sounds like fun.