I've Lost My Way

[nightbird2012]

I've been with my SO for ten years.  I married late in life, having been in an abusive common law marriage before.  I was blessedly free for over twenty years, raising my child single handed.  When I met him, it was at a support group for people with anxiety issues.  We clicked right away, and I was amazed that I could be attracted to someone again after so long. 

The pattern that has emerged with us, is that we can go along fine for a while, then he will suddenly say or do something that hurts deeply.  Then he seems surprised when I express my hurt feelings, or even say that he doesn't remember or that he never said or did whatever it was. Sometimes I feel gas lighted, especially after a round of circular arguments. I can truly say that I no longer trust my own judgement when these arguments happen.  Sometimes I feel like we have such a good connection, but the minute I need to talk seriously (he calls it me getting into one of those moods) he becomes a bundle of contradictions and counter accusations. The last incident that upset me happened just this past Sunday.

We had gone on a day trip to a National Park.  After stopping to look at some of those display cases with the glass cover on top, that has stuff in it like maps and a history of the place, I started to read it and half jokingly remarked that it was depressing because it was describing global warming effects on this park, and how much had been destroyed by it. I said that I didn't want to bring my mood down by reading it and suggested  (suggested, mind you!) that we move on and do something else.  He said that he wanted to read it, so I said okay and walked over to look at something else.  After that, he asked if I was ready to go and I said yes.  I had been really enjoying the park because I hadn't seen it since my youth.  We got into the car I thanked him for a lovely day.  We had been planning to visit a restaurant for dinner and I said I was getting hungry.  Then he accused me of spoiling it for him with my negativity. I was flabbergasted, and asked how on earth was I being negative?  He said that I had been negative about the information in the display case, and I said I was entitled to my own opinion.  But the damage was done and I cried hard all the way to the restaurant. I felt sucker punched.

We sat in the parking lot while I tried to make sense of his behavior. He said he hadn't meant to hurt me, but that he thought I was being negative and dismissive of him.  This made absolutely no sense at all to me, but I kept trying to understand, because I couldn't believe he would deliberately try to ruin the day like that.  I tried using the tools my therapist gave me, where first one person talks, and the other empathizes and then validates, then it's the other person's turn. It seemed to help, and I calmed down and we went to eat.  But here I am today, fresh from another argument.  Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up again, but I really wanted to understand what had happened there. He got really upset and accused me of bringing things up and making him feel bad. I asked why I would want to make him feel bad, and what would I gain from it? Round and round it went. According to him, I get in these moods but he accepts no responsibility for being a part of said mood. I am not even sure why I brought it up again, but I have been sad all week because we have these circular arguments where he absolves himself of any wrongdoing and insists that it is my own issues that are causing the trouble.

I feel that I no longer know who I am.  My health has worsened drastically during the past ten years, and I look in the mirror and no longer recognize this woman with the dark circles under her eyes and the sad expression on her face. I am most happy when he is at work because when he comes home all he wants to do is sit at the computer on FB.  When he speaks of retirement, I feel nothing but dread at the thought of his being at home all the time.

Sorry for the long post! Thank you for reading.

[Whatthehey]

Hi!  I just left a long marriage and I sympathize with your situation.  The circular arguments and over reactions made me feel and question every thing I knew.  I started out in the marriage as a women of strong opinions and slowly became a person who lived her entire day managing his emotions.  My therapist called this emotional abuse.

You are not wrong in your view and your reaction.  If you are speaking your truth; your view and your feelings, then he should respect them.  They are yours and yours only.  Don't back down and don't give in.  That is what those boundaries are for!

I'm glad you posted!  We have your back.

[notrightinthehead]

I can totally understand your reluctance to read about the destruction of our environment, I also sometimes want to stick my head in the sand and just be happy.

Both of you seem to be deeply affected by what the other says - and it appears that both of you make the partner responsible for how they feel. I have found that once I decided that I am solely responsible for how I feel - meaning that partner can say hurtful things but the feelings of hurt, anger, sadness, loss, fury are totally mine, and for me to deal with whichever way I feel right - I took back control. Taking back control meant for me that I could implement boundaries more effectively.

It is hard to imagine how by not reading the information you should have spoiled your partners' day. Crying all the way to the restaurant could, however, have put a dampener on his mood, had he been happy before. Remember the 50% rule  https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/the-50-rule  .

It is a pity that your outing had a sad ending. Try and work through the Toolbox https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro  again, I found so many good strategies there to keep my home life calm and protect myself in my interactions with my PD.

[nightbird2012]

Hi!  I just left a long marriage and I sympathize with your situation.  The circular arguments and over reactions made me feel and question every thing I knew.  I started out in the marriage as a women of strong opinions and slowly became a person who lived her entire day managing his emotions.  My therapist called this emotional abuse.

You are not wrong in your view and your reaction.  If you are speaking your truth; your view and your feelings, then he should respect them.  They are yours and yours only.  Don't back down and don't give in.  That is what those boundaries are for!

I'm glad you posted!  We have your back.

I am so glad to be validated here! The more I think about his behavior, the more I realize that something has to change, within me. 

[nightbird2012]

I can totally understand your reluctance to read about the destruction of our environment, I also sometimes want to stick my head in the sand and just be happy.

Both of you seem to be deeply affected by what the other says - and it appears that both of you make the partner responsible for how they feel. I have found that once I decided that I am solely responsible for how I feel - meaning that partner can say hurtful things but the feelings of hurt, anger, sadness, loss, fury are totally mine, and for me to deal with whichever way I feel right - I took back control. Taking back control meant for me that I could implement boundaries more effectively.

It is hard to imagine how by not reading the information you should have spoiled your partners' day. Crying all the way to the restaurant could, however, have put a dampener on his mood, had he been happy before. Remember the 50% rule  https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/the-50-rule  .

It is a pity that your outing had a sad ending. Try and work through the Toolbox https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro  again, I found so many good strategies there to keep my home life calm and protect myself in my interactions with my PD.

Yes, we do seem to have the capacity to hurt each other deeply.  As I sorted through my emotions, I realized that his behavior reminded me a lot of my fathers, especially one particular incident when, as a child,  I'd had a wonderful day with my Dad, and yet at the end of it, he snapped at me in a way that hurt deeply. Once I realized that, I saw where the original hurt came from. Another thing I noticed is that this has happened on other outings with him, where he inexplicably caused me mental distress just when I thought we were having a good time.  When I observed this to him, he accused me of bringing up the past. In a way I was, but was trying to figure out why he had to lash out at me when I was happy.  Now I am just tired and sad, and don't feel much hope for this marriage.
On top of that, my DD, (his step-daughter) called early this morning, begging for money for a cab.  She is also PDD and I wonder why I created this particular hell for myself with the two of them in it.   

[notrightinthehead]

.....In a way I was, but was trying to figure out why he had to lash out at me when I was happy. ....

Your focus was on him. You might want to take what he does as it is and try to understand yourself - your feelings, your response, your behaviour.

[nightbird2012]

.....In a way I was, but was trying to figure out why he had to lash out at me when I was happy. ....

Your focus was on him. You might want to take what he does as it is and try to understand yourself - your feelings, your response, your behaviour.

I have been working on this with my therapist.  I tend to analyze things to pieces, BTW.  It was an early coping skill I learned in a house of dysfunction! But obviously it isn't working.  I am going to be reading through the tools on this site; already I have seen things that encourage me to work on my own autonomy.

[PeanutButter]

Nightbird2012 Sorry I missed your post. I hope you dont mind the late response to it but I can relate alot to what you described. My husband and i have/had a similar back and forth. We both have fleas from dysfuntional foos.
Ime if this had been myself and my husbands argument i would interpret it as : My husband didnt want to "delibertly ruin the outing". I think he might have felt responsible for my sadness and therefore felt that made me responsible for his dissappointment about my sadness. (as if with my sadness i was saying i am not happy being here with you doing this outing) This caused his dissappointment very quickly followed by anger (because its easier and is used to cover other harder emotions) expressed to me because i was "making him feel bad". Neither one of us is guilty of "wrongdoing". And it is both of our "issues that are causing the problem".
I dont know if this makes since to you but i hope it does. We also have a wonderful deep connection all the rest of the time. It was incredibly painful. Like you i am farther along in my self awareness than my husband. He really had no idea how or why he was reacting or to what he was triggered by.  But i believe he loves me and would not intentionally hurt me just as i wouldnt him. So I started working on taking moments like these to work on owning my own feelings (first step is to stay present and name the emotion) and explained to him that he wasnt the cause or responsible for fixing and after a few times he caught on and started trying to do the same with his.
Each relationship is different. Only you can say if there is hope or not. Regardless of how you decide to proceed this community is a valuable support. Stick around and post anytime something happens. Thats what I do. Good luck!

[nightbird2012]

That was very helpful, PeanutButter.  I posted elsewhere about a big blowup we had last week, and I do know that he loves me deeply and I am learning that we are responsible for half the crap that happens; the misunderstandings, etc. that causes the old wounds to be torn open again.  I am learning that just because you love someone or they love you, that dysfunction isn't going to hurt any less. 

[PeanutButter]

Ill go check that other post out too. I know what you mean knowing that they might not mean to be hurtful doesnt make it hurt any less. It is a greif process (i think you mentioned that) to realize that this is how it is going to be. I too value talking out my hurt feelings to my partner just to get clear or even reassured. Even though ive worked on and continue to my way of bringing things up to him, most of the time he feels my hurt feelings as a criticism of him.  Your story really touched me. I hate that you are going through this but am so glad you are sharing it.

[nightbird2012]

Ill go check that other post out too. I know what you mean knowing that they might not mean to be hurtful doesnt make it hurt any less. It is a greif process (i think you mentioned that) to realize that this is how it is going to be. I too value talking out my hurt feelings to my partner just to get clear or even reassured. Even though ive worked on and continue to my way of bringing things up to him, most of the time he feels my hurt feelings as a criticism of him.  Your story really touched me. I hate that you are going through this but am so glad you are sharing it.

I appreciate your feedback.  This is so difficult!