Recent posts
#31
Co-parenting and Secondary Relationships / Re: When the kids realize and ...
Last post by Call Me Cordelia - Yesterday at 06:39:11 AMI too think you are doing super! You are doing awesome holding onto both truth and boundaries. "Not my story to tell." So true and so on point. Most of what goes on between the biological parents is just not the child's business, although I certainly sympathize with her wanting to know and understand and maybe feel a little bit like she has some power here. But when the child has seen certain things, not allowing history to be rewritten to make bio mom the victim, sticking to known facts. I believe you are being very kind and charitable to all parties here. Especially bio mom. I think your kindness and light touch on her story in particular is going to speak volumes to SD, even if it doesn't seem obvious now. The contrast between bio mom setting up a competition and making it about herself vs. your kindness and putting your stepdaughter first is huge.
#32
Co-parenting and Secondary Relationships / Re: When the kids realize and ...
Last post by xredshoesx - Yesterday at 06:37:46 AMPL I also think you did a fantastic job balancing what was age appropriate and necessary for her to know. gentle hugs.
my stepmom was the one who helped me navigate the chaos of what really happened between my biological parents because she was along for the ride since I was between 8-9 years old but I didn't meet her until I was an adult. tbh i'm closer to her than anyone else in my dad or mother's family...
I think it's ok to tell dear SD that you didn't want to tell her until she was ready to understand the dynamic of being married/ in a relationship and it can be a growth moment for her to understand deeper so when she picks her person she has a better chance of being in a healthy relationship. (something I didn't get until after wasting time with an abuser)
you've got this and you are doing a fantastic job
my stepmom was the one who helped me navigate the chaos of what really happened between my biological parents because she was along for the ride since I was between 8-9 years old but I didn't meet her until I was an adult. tbh i'm closer to her than anyone else in my dad or mother's family...
I think it's ok to tell dear SD that you didn't want to tell her until she was ready to understand the dynamic of being married/ in a relationship and it can be a growth moment for her to understand deeper so when she picks her person she has a better chance of being in a healthy relationship. (something I didn't get until after wasting time with an abuser)
you've got this and you are doing a fantastic job
#33
Working on Us / Re: Anyone else move and "star...
Last post by notrightinthehead - Yesterday at 02:11:20 AMI used to be a restless soul too and have moved frequently. There is a buzz when coming to a new place - so much to learn. And then it gets a bit boring. Also, you bring along your old self.
Whatever you decide to do - move, stay - how about you begin to work on yourself? Get to know yourself better? Find out why you end up in relationships that have signs of co-dependency? Why all of a sudden you find yourself without friends? There are many ways you can work on yourself, and it is an exhilarating experience.
Whatever you decide to do - move, stay - how about you begin to work on yourself? Get to know yourself better? Find out why you end up in relationships that have signs of co-dependency? Why all of a sudden you find yourself without friends? There are many ways you can work on yourself, and it is an exhilarating experience.
#34
Co-parenting and Secondary Relationships / Re: When the kids realize and ...
Last post by notrightinthehead - Yesterday at 02:01:38 AMPenny Lane, your SD is 13 years, this was about the age when my kids began asking critical questions. They wanted explanations and formed their own opinions. I think you did really well. Telling the truth respectfully and kindly is a form of love. We all know how confusing the world view of a PD is and how easily one can get tangled up in their point of view. You are offering clarity. With that comes the freedom to decide for herself.
Just continue what you have been doing. You are doing good.
Just continue what you have been doing. You are doing good.
#35
Chosen Relationships / Re: Can anyone interpret this
Last post by SonofThunder - Yesterday at 12:49:35 AMQuote from: Tryingtounderstand on May 03, 2024, 04:52:59 PMThank you for that in depth interpretation Sono. In a nutshell i was given to believe i was the issue. When the comment to me was made i felt a sense of intimacy and connection between. Later i thought about it again and i felt confused because of the guilt i felt during our reconciliation.Tryingtounderstand, thank you for the further clarity of the situation, for my better understanding.
SoT
#36
Friends, Neighbors, Acquaintances and Coworkers / Re: Healthy friendships
Last post by Lookin 2 B Free - Yesterday at 12:09:17 AMWOBG, I agree with Breadroll. Such an important point about hesitating to back away from someone you're not feeling okay with because you see their good qualities and then think the problem must be you. This happens so automatically, I have to check myself every time I decide not to draw a boundary or back away from someone when part of me wants to withdraw. Sometimes I don't remove myself until I start absolutely dreading having contact with them.
Even then, after I've backed away, I continue to have to coach myself that that was an okay thing to do and I'm not a bad person for doing it. It usually falls under the umbrella of "I don't feel emotionally safe with this person." I have almost made it a mantra "It's okay to distance from someone you don't feel safe with even if you don't totally understand why."
Funny, though, this new belief is still at a head level. Something inside wants to argue "No. It's because there's something wrong with you that you feel bad. They're fine." Well . . . even if that were true, (which I don't think it is bc my trauma T backs me up in my assessment), but even if it were true, it's okay to avoid being around people who make me feel unsafe!!! Man, it can take a long time to change these old core beliefs!
Even then, after I've backed away, I continue to have to coach myself that that was an okay thing to do and I'm not a bad person for doing it. It usually falls under the umbrella of "I don't feel emotionally safe with this person." I have almost made it a mantra "It's okay to distance from someone you don't feel safe with even if you don't totally understand why."
Funny, though, this new belief is still at a head level. Something inside wants to argue "No. It's because there's something wrong with you that you feel bad. They're fine." Well . . . even if that were true, (which I don't think it is bc my trauma T backs me up in my assessment), but even if it were true, it's okay to avoid being around people who make me feel unsafe!!! Man, it can take a long time to change these old core beliefs!
#37
Chosen Relationships / Re: Can anyone interpret this
Last post by Tryingtounderstand - May 03, 2024, 04:52:59 PMThank you for that in depth interpretation Sono. In a nutshell i was given to believe i was the issue. When the comment to me was made i felt a sense of intimacy and connection between. Later i thought about it again and i felt confused because of the guilt i felt during our reconciliation.
#38
Co-parenting and Secondary Relationships / Re: When the kids realize and ...
Last post by bloomie - May 03, 2024, 02:57:15 PMPenny Lane - Sitting this screen hearing your heart for your family... may I just say that your self control and ability to think on your feet addressing heartbreaking realities with your dear SD leave me in awe!
Brought me to tears the tenderness and humility that you bring to one and all. Sheesh!!! So very well done!
I don't believe you are responsible for the damage here. Please rethink that. The dishonesty and misdeeds of the step mom are the issue. And yes, for your dear step kids it hurts a lot to see these truths and the consequences of their mother's choices that are echoing in all of your lives.
One way I have found to talk through tough stuff giving it a bigger context and avoid (as much as possible) directly maligning someone my children love is to talk about something like why a marriage ended or why someone is not allowed to come by the house at will is to talk through the idea of sowing and reaping... or gardening, if you will.
We all have seed to sow. Our thoughts, attitudes, choices belong to us and we all have decisions every day what kind of soil we sow those precious seeds into. This step mom chose to, when committed to their dad, betray him and violate her vows and promises and, ultimately, his trust. The 'fruit' of that decision is the marriage was broken beyond repair. And that is hard to see and painful for everyone, but no one can go back for a redo.
The 'fruit' of that step mom lying to her daughter, misrepresenting so many situations and interactions is starting to be something this precious young woman is grappling with. In my humble view, this is how we talk through the responsibility we all have to live honestly and with integrity because there is no avoiding the harvest of our lives.
We can love and forgive others. We can better understand why they may do the things they do and why they sow the beautiful seeds that belong to them on fallow ground expecting a rich and abundant harvest
, but ultimately, your sweet girl needs the wisdom, compassion, caring voice of a woman (you) and daddy (DH) who loves her first, sacrificially, before themselves and who has sown into her life every good thing so she can flourish.
Keep talking to her and answering her questions with wisdom as you are. Keep holding space for her grief, confusion, disappointment and know that she has good soil from which to grow!
Brought me to tears the tenderness and humility that you bring to one and all. Sheesh!!! So very well done!
I don't believe you are responsible for the damage here. Please rethink that. The dishonesty and misdeeds of the step mom are the issue. And yes, for your dear step kids it hurts a lot to see these truths and the consequences of their mother's choices that are echoing in all of your lives.
One way I have found to talk through tough stuff giving it a bigger context and avoid (as much as possible) directly maligning someone my children love is to talk about something like why a marriage ended or why someone is not allowed to come by the house at will is to talk through the idea of sowing and reaping... or gardening, if you will.
We all have seed to sow. Our thoughts, attitudes, choices belong to us and we all have decisions every day what kind of soil we sow those precious seeds into. This step mom chose to, when committed to their dad, betray him and violate her vows and promises and, ultimately, his trust. The 'fruit' of that decision is the marriage was broken beyond repair. And that is hard to see and painful for everyone, but no one can go back for a redo.
The 'fruit' of that step mom lying to her daughter, misrepresenting so many situations and interactions is starting to be something this precious young woman is grappling with. In my humble view, this is how we talk through the responsibility we all have to live honestly and with integrity because there is no avoiding the harvest of our lives.
We can love and forgive others. We can better understand why they may do the things they do and why they sow the beautiful seeds that belong to them on fallow ground expecting a rich and abundant harvest
, but ultimately, your sweet girl needs the wisdom, compassion, caring voice of a woman (you) and daddy (DH) who loves her first, sacrificially, before themselves and who has sown into her life every good thing so she can flourish. Keep talking to her and answering her questions with wisdom as you are. Keep holding space for her grief, confusion, disappointment and know that she has good soil from which to grow!
#39
Working on Us / Anyone else move and "start ov...
Last post by Therivercontinueson - May 03, 2024, 01:48:29 PMI have been moving every few years all my adult life, not even to different houses but altogether different countries. The pattern seems to be: move to country x, have a great time for two years, find a partner and "settle down", relationship goes sour (me picking the wrong partners with whom codependency becomes an issue) after two years and gets terrible and stressful, I have a mental health crisis, I break up with them and realize I have no friends left and "no reason to be here anymore", cue depression and panic, move country again and feel like life starts afresh, repeat cycle. I know this probably has something to do with the fact my PD parents ensured my family was enmeshed and wouldnt let me even consider leaving. Its like I have some sort of deep desire for escape and keep recreating it - even though I've escaped my family already (I have been no-contact for a year now)? On the other hand my career is made for moving and I like living in new places so maybe I am over-pathologizing myself? For example, I like my current city but my relationship is pretty much over, and I'm wondering if I should take a job offer in another country. My current city is a bit small and besides the fact I would be running into them often, I never really made lasting friendships here due to it being a slightly reserved culture, and I feel a bit bored by what the city has to offer. It's like this feeling of moving up and out and once I do it, I tend not to look back. I can't really get my head around always wanting to run away as I am normally a quite sentimental and attached person. Has anyone dealt with this before?
#40
Last Days / After the Funeral / Re: The role of a person who d...
Last post by sunshine702 - May 03, 2024, 01:14:00 PMThis is why I grow more and more convinced ex MIL is a covert Narc. I really think death/dying / grief really shines a light on their thinking. If you are somewhat close to it you SEE it.
So I watched her grieve the husband . She cried one day. A few days after the funeral. She withdrew and rested for about a week then she moved to replace the ROLE that he filled for her. My now ex will now play the role of husband and protector (something he is very much looking forward to!) and her 13 year old grandkid will now play the role of massive road trip travel partner (I don't see this going well but time will tell - maybe it will go great).
Contrast this with the a childhood friend dying at 75 ish. Weeks holed up in her house deeply affected. Son dutiful watching over his dead mother as she grieves for husband err ...checks notes... a friend from childhood that had never been to visit her that I knew about. I had never seen or hear of this person. So how "close" were they really?!
I honestly think that friend is her coming to grips with her mortally at her age. It's all about them!
My Narc mom was saying the same thing. The father of a hockey friend of my Golden Child brother passed away . And my mom said THAT hit her hard — again their OWN mortality
So I watched her grieve the husband . She cried one day. A few days after the funeral. She withdrew and rested for about a week then she moved to replace the ROLE that he filled for her. My now ex will now play the role of husband and protector (something he is very much looking forward to!) and her 13 year old grandkid will now play the role of massive road trip travel partner (I don't see this going well but time will tell - maybe it will go great).
Contrast this with the a childhood friend dying at 75 ish. Weeks holed up in her house deeply affected. Son dutiful watching over his dead mother as she grieves for husband err ...checks notes... a friend from childhood that had never been to visit her that I knew about. I had never seen or hear of this person. So how "close" were they really?!
I honestly think that friend is her coming to grips with her mortally at her age. It's all about them!
My Narc mom was saying the same thing. The father of a hockey friend of my Golden Child brother passed away . And my mom said THAT hit her hard — again their OWN mortality