Thought I Was Planning A Funeral

[Adria]

Dh has stage 4 lung cancer. Almost lost him twice in the hospital. Thought I was going to be planning his funeral. The hospital sent him home and told him to get his affairs in order. Basically, couldn't help him anymore.

Because they couldn't get his chemo ordered for weeks on end, I started looking for alternative medicine on line. Came across something that has quickly turned dh around. Within three weeks, he has come off his oxygen, quit filling cups full of mucus (sorry, graphic, but it was horrifying), the golf ball size tumor on his chest is gone, he is almost off all of the morphine and oxycodone. 

Went to the doctor last week, and the doctor was literally scratching his head.  Asking dh how could he possibly walk from the parking lot into the office without help and oxygen, said he looked like a completely different person, etc., etc.  Dh is back to walking his mile a day, goes grocery shopping, working out in the yard, etc.  We are elated about our find and how fast he has turned around.

So, excited, I said to dh, we need to call your family.  He hesitated, and said he didn't want to.  So, I took the plunge and called them with the good news.  I was on such a high.  Then boom! I came crashing to the ground. I guess I should have expected it, but blinded by my bliss, I took a chance in hopes the good news would bring everyone together and we could all experience joy that we had lost over the last several months.  They could have cared less about how dh is recovering, shot holes in everything I said, downed me on the phone until I just politely hung up.

Also, my aunt called and asked how dh was doing. I said, "Fabulous." She said, "Okay, I gotta go." 

What the heck?  You would think they would have celebrated with us, or at least would have had something nice to say.  Instead, they acted put out and like they didn't want to hear it. And, I was told pretty much that I was a fool. 

When I told dh how it went, he said, "And, that's why I didn't want to call my family." 

It's funny because when you tell these people the bad news, oh, poor them, their son, brother, etc., is on his death bed, they carry on and on about poor dh to everyone they know.  When you tell them things are turning around, they totally obliterate your story and steal your joy. 

Dh says, "It's been me and you, kid, for the last 30 years, don't expect it to change now."  I guess he is right.  I was just hoping maybe something would be nice and they could, for once, come along side us and rejoice in his recovery. 

This time, the reality of who and what they are hit really hard. It's been three days, and I'm still trying to get my head around it and shake it off.  I finally get it, and I am walking away from them for good.  No more updates, nothing. They truly are cruel and hurtful people. 

I don't know what the future holds, but for now dh and I are able to resume a fairly normal life together, and we find something to celebrate every day. His return to health seems nothing short of a miracle and we couldn't be happier.  It is still early in the game, but at least now we have hope and, to me, that is everything.

 

[notrightinthehead]

How painful that experience is and what joy for you and your husband on his improved health! I wish you much more good times together. I agree with you, leave such nasty people as the family seems to be behind. Spend time and energy with people who bring goodness to your life.

[Adria]

Notrightinthehead,

Dh and I have been so alone in life. I keep wishing and hoping that something will shake up either my family or his family and we can come together, but reality proves otherwise. Thank you for your kind words. I guess I just needed to vent. 

[moglow]

SO glad to see this!! Sometimes I think we need to be reminded of the important things - you and DH, y'all are important. People who can't celebrate with you, not so much.

[Adria]

Thank you, Moglow. You are very kind!

[Call Me Cordelia]

That's stunning news and we're rejoicing with you for your husband's recovery of health! I'm so heartened that you feel that gratitude and find something to celebrate every day. Life really is such a gift.

I'm sorry you're getting that lack of care for you from both sides of your family. It tracks with my experience, though. I too had a miraculous healing from a long term illness, and my parents were disappointed. The supply of playing the tiny violin of oh woe is me was pulled out from under them, and that's as much as they cared for me. It's really wrong. Of course this is going to rock you some, but you are learning from the experience and their smallness and meanness, ultimately, does not define your happiness.

[Invisiblewoman]

How twisted they seem more emotionally uplifted by terrible news and then become indifferent when he recovers.

It's very hurtful to you.  I have had experiences with certain family only seeming to care when the news is gossip worthy or literally start making up terrible news to keep your attention, while invalidating your experiences, both good and bad.

[Adria]

Cordelia,

Thank you for rejoicing with us.  We received more bad news yesterday from a month old pet scan.  Still, dh continues to improve and looks better than ever.  To us, the pet scan is old news, because once, again, the doctor couldn't understand why he was doing so well even with the prognosis he was given. 

I'm so sorry that you had a similar experience with your parents.  I am rejoicing in your miracle as well!!!  Some things are so hard to wrap your head around. Like you said, "Their smallness and meanness, ultimately, does not define your happiness." I guess, the good thing that comes out of this is that we have learned to be our own cheerleaders, and we know that we can stand strong alone.


Invisiblewoman,

I'm sorry for your hurtful experiences as well.

I have had experiences with certain family only seeming to care when the news is gossip worthy or literally start making up terrible news to keep your attention, while invalidating your experiences, both good and bad.

Oh, my gosh, making up more terrible news for attention. Yikes! 

When dh's sister's husband had brain cancer, she did updates every day on line, started a Go Fund Me page, and the list goes on. Drama, drama, drama.  We all had to hear a play by play sometimes three and four times a day. To be sure, it was a very sad situation and we were happy to be there for them. But then in a strange twist, she told everyone on line that she took the Go Fund Me money (thousands of dollars supposedly to help with hospital bills) and went on an extravagant vacation.  Needless to say, the Go Fund Me page quickly dried up. You just can't make it up.

[sunshine702]

That speaks volumes.  My goodness that must have been stunning to experience.

dr Ramani talks about not coming to bad people with good news -/ that they will find a way to ruin it somehow.

Honestly for me that would be my No Contact trigger.  They have shown themselves to be wholly awful. 

You two have a second chance -/ not one more second on bad rubbish

[Adria]

Sunshine,

Yes, it was quite something, and embarrassing, because she made quite a haul in a very small town. And, SIL always talks about everyone else having no couth.

When dh was in the hospital having surgery, I called his mother to update her.  She pretty much insinuated, for the second time, that I did something to give dh lung cancer.   She then said, "I will pray for you and dh." I thought, "Wow! That's a first. She's going to pray for me?" And, then she said, "I mean dh." 

There was one other person sitting on the other end of the room that heard what the doctor told my daughter and I, and the phone conversation I had with dh's mother.  When I got up to leave the room, this man stopped me and said, "I wish you the best, honey. God bless you."  I was so sad and devastated by what the doctor told us and then by the way dh's mother responded, I felt my legs nearly buckle beneath me. It was like she couldn't even feel sorrow for her son because her overwhelming need to hurt me took over in that moment, and that was all she could think about. Thank goodness for that very kind man sitting quietly on the other side of the room. It felt as though God planted an angel there to say those sweet words to me, so I could carry on with the rest of my day.  Sometimes, it's the kindness of strangers.

I'm going to check the Dr. Ramani video out.  I could use that because I, too often, keep giving the wrong people another chance to hurt me.

However, this definitely was my No Contact trigger with them.  I told dh I'm done.  He was totally supportive.

You two have a second chance -/ not one more second on bad rubbish

Yes, from here on out we're laying low and we are going to celebrate every day without these kinds of people trying to drag us down.  I know I shouldn't let them get to me like this, but I think it stems from my own family and having to go no contact with all of them 30 years ago.  Sometimes, I just feel so alone in this world. I'm so happy I found this forum with such wonderful people, and I've also developed a very strong faith in God.  Otherwise, I don't know where I would have ended up. Hugs, Adria