Narcissism and pathological distortions of reality

[treesgrowslowly]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/202106/denial-in-the-narcissistic-mind-pathological-distortion

I like this article because it confirms what I dealt with as a child - pathological distortions by PD parents. People who could not deal in reality for more than a few seconds at a time (if that).

As a child of narcissists, during childhood, I was constantly fighting with my own sense of reality, vs what my parents 'saw' as true. At the end of this article, she notes that we 'intuitively' knew what was actually true. I think that is refreshing to hear. Surviving a childhood of constant bombardment with the PD's version of reality was exhausting. Exhausting.

Note: this article does use an example of parental abuse to make her point about the various forms of denial that are used by a narcissist.

Trees

[SonofThunder]

Hi Trees,

I surely experienced both of those parental roles in my childhood.  My father the disordered abusive narcissist; my mother the caretaking, enabling, flying monkey. 

I have heard Dr Ramani comment that denying someone's reality (the five terms in the article) is a form if gaslighting. I agree.  My mother is not disordered. My mother is positioned by my very skilled narcissist father, to be in a constant double-bind. 

Imo, the double-bind is such a powerful weapon of the disordered, and is especially difficult for spouses and children in relationship circles 1 and 2 (respectively).  The choices available in her double-bind decisions were either the shorter period A: dreadful, or the longer and amplified period  B: horrendous.  Pick one.  My mother chose A always, which was to allow my father to be abusive to all of us, yet her remain compliant.  Afterward, she chose one or more of the 5 terms in that article to ultimately excuse his actions. 

After a while, she learned that we kids did not die in her choices or go off the psych rails, and that my abusive father would calm down after she justified his actions, so she was able to move along from an incident, while she surely and silently anticipated the next, and surely cherished the calm, silent moments in between. Wash, rinse, repeat. 

It was so repetitive, I thought my FOO experiences were the norm.  I signed up for decades of the same in marriage and became my mother.  Wash, rinse, repeat. 

Thanks for sharing the article.

SoT

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi SoT,

Thanks for sharing about that. I am sorry you went through that, and glad you can see it , and obviously very glad you figured out how to avoid living the rest of your own life, tied in to those same dynamics.

I hear you. As we both know, there are a lot of people out there who are living that life on repeat. Same as their own parents did. Leaving so much for the next generation to then figure out.

Now that I feel I am quite clear minded about what occurred in my past, and how I have worked so hard to recover from it, to the best of my abilities (an on-going project) I find that I've 'aged out' of a lot of behaviours that are still the norm for my own peer group.

When I see small versions of these sorts of gaslighting / denial behaviours in someone around me, I can't help but retreat and step back from them. I do not want to deal with these sorts of behaviours anymore.

I think there is some pressure on people to deny the parts of themselves that others find uncomfortable to deal with. I admit that it is quite impossible, at the point in my life now, to make a new friend if that person is engaged in denial about something that figures prominently in their life. I would end up observing them act out this denial when we get together, and I find that too familiar - from a past I'd like to move away from for good.

I think I'm at a point in my life where its 100% impossible to befriend someone who doesn't have any education at all about narc abuse. Their denial about the existence of it in society, it would remind me of the denial I endured as a child. So society has a way of reminding us that abuse gets denied, not just by the abuser (that's obvious) but by most people we meet. They simply cannot handle the reality of what we have been through. At this time of the year, going into the holiday season, I really do not find I have any energy to pretend anymore.

I survived a lot of things that people would like me to forget about or deny. And I can't do that. It is too bad that most of society is, by default, still siding with the abuser by refusing to learn about what we survivors have been through.

I am no longer interested in pretending that I had a normal childhood. I realize that is not what this article is about, but this article lists the behaviours I've actually seen in a lot of people - especially the minimizing. People love to minimize what others have been through.

Sometimes I think I'm exhausted because of all the fighting I've done to manage the amount of minimizing that has been thrown at me by people - while I was trying to help myself to NOT minimize what had been done.

Trees

[SonofThunder]

Hi SoT,

Thanks for sharing about that. I am sorry you went through that, and glad you can see it , and obviously very glad you figured out how to avoid living the rest of your own life, tied in to those same dynamics.

I hear you. As we both know, there are a lot of people out there who are living that life on repeat. Same as their own parents did. Leaving so much for the next generation to then figure out.

Now that I feel I am quite clear minded about what occurred in my past, and how I have worked so hard to recover from it, to the best of my abilities (an on-going project) I find that I've 'aged out' of a lot of behaviours that are still the norm for my own peer group.

When I see small versions of these sorts of gaslighting / denial behaviours in someone around me, I can't help but retreat and step back from them. I do not want to deal with these sorts of behaviours anymore.

I think there is some pressure on people to deny the parts of themselves that others find uncomfortable to deal with. I admit that it is quite impossible, at the point in my life now, to make a new friend if that person is engaged in denial about something that figures prominently in their life. I would end up observing them act out this denial when we get together, and I find that too familiar - from a past I'd like to move away from for good.

I think I'm at a point in my life where its 100% impossible to befriend someone who doesn't have any education at all about narc abuse. Their denial about the existence of it in society, it would remind me of the denial I endured as a child. So society has a way of reminding us that abuse gets denied, not just by the abuser (that's obvious) but by most people we meet. They simply cannot handle the reality of what we have been through. At this time of the year, going into the holiday season, I really do not find I have any energy to pretend anymore.

I survived a lot of things that people would like me to forget about or deny. And I can't do that. It is too bad that most of society is, by default, still siding with the abuser by refusing to learn about what we survivors have been through.

I am no longer interested in pretending that I had a normal childhood. I realize that is not what this article is about, but this article lists the behaviours I've actually seen in a lot of people - especially the minimizing. People love to minimize what others have been through.

Sometimes I think I'm exhausted because of all the fighting I've done to manage the amount of minimizing that has been thrown at me by people - while I was trying to help myself to NOT minimize what had been done.

Trees

Well written Trees!  I can relate to SO much of what you wrote and fully agree.   

"I think there is some pressure on people to deny the parts of themselves that others find uncomfortable to deal with. I admit that it is quite impossible, at the point in my life now, to make a new friend if that person is engaged in denial about something that figures prominently in their life. I would end up observing them act out this denial when we get together, and I find that too familiar - from a past I'd like to move away from for good."

☝️That is so real to me at this moment in my journey.  My introversion assists me SO well in dealing with this, because I can be my own best friend.  Agree fully.  It takes time to know people well enough to realize they are in denial of abuses and even naive to abuse in general.  As you said, when denial finally becomes visible, I quickly shut down and look for an exit.  Like you, I'm done wasting my energy and time there. 

Thanks again for sharing the interesting article. 

SoT