Article: the empath and the narcissist

[treesgrowslowly]

Curious what others think about this article.

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/empaths-and-narcissists/

One thing I like about this article is how straightforward it is in describing the narc. "The narc will take whatever you offer... and will not reciprocate" - they don't tip toe around these facts!

Healing from narc abuse seems to be more challenging for those of us with high sensitivity / empath / HSP traits. Thoughts?

I look back now and see how many people in my life became more and more narcissistic the longer I stayed in contact with them. They simply took advantage of the situation - they had found an empath and bingo, they know exactly how to use us and suck us dry.

I have memories of my own mother 'bragging' about how 'good' I could be. Yeah, I now know what that actually was.... it was her, 'bragging' about how she managed to give birth to a sensitive kid, and then she proceeded to fully exploit the traits I had been born with. That was to be my first of many many struggles with keeping narcs out of my life, and healing from trauma bonds with them, as the article also mentions.

I spent years thinking my HSP / empath traits were problems I should get help for and get fixed. All of the non-HSP's in my life were so good at telling me that it was all my fault that I had these traits and that I confused people. The narcs were the REAL victims, those poor souls who couldn't help but take advantage of my kindness (which I was always criticized for once I spoke up about feeling used - typically years into the situation).   

Admittedly, I spent years and years in the state of wanting, and so I did not protect myself around narcs. I sponged up their negativity, and would come home feeling miserable. This has characterized much of my adult life.

Personally I believe that a lot of people will behave in self-absorbed ways if given the chance. As an HSP / empath my traits have been completely misused by others, and I am sad to say that until recently, I would not even recognize it until years had passed. I like that this article says that narcs DO NOT appreciate anything that we do for them. Nowadays if someone I know doesn't show appreciation for others, I stay away from them. I stay away from a lot of people these days. I'm just too tired of seeing narc traits everywhere.

Empaths are a minority of the general population, but my guess is that they are more common here in our community since an empath type will get to a point in their life where they can no longer caretake the narcissist family member (i.e. parent, sibling, grandparent). The less empathic people in the FOO probably have a lot less trouble, since they do not soak up the emotions of people around them.

I find this time of year, I have to work really really hard to not sponge up the energy out there in the world. Anyone else feeling this?

Trees

[Call Me Cordelia]

I feel you, Trees! Yes, the only genuine praise I remember my mother offering me was for how compassionate I am. I was about six.

I think also I just am more sensitive and stuff just sticks to me more. See also: everything I've ever written about my husband just not being affected in the same way by his crappy childhood. And I'm sensitive to that difference, which leads me to conclude there's a problem with ME, similar to your experience. And others don't relate and I need the validation. So I go on Out of the FOG again.

[Jolie40]

I'm an empath, also
husband recognizes that I'm sensitive & has said many times "grow thicker skin!"

not positive but one of my siblings behaves in many ways like PD parent (recently passed on)

I've always helped sibling when she needed help such as babysitting, errands, etc
recently, I asked her to give me a ride to store 5 min away & she said "no" (my first ask in over 10 yrs)
like in the article, she never reciprocates
I've helped her but she won't ever help me

in the first year of our marriage, we had all of FOO over for turkey dinner & had both sets of family over several times for turkey at holiday times

sibling has been married 25 years & not once have they hosted a holiday, not once
they're very good at taking but never giving back

[littlelimabean]

Thank you for sharing. I am trying my best  to grow from being an super involved empath that does everything for some people despite how I feel.

But, boundaries are needed to change the dynamic. It is so scary, but I will do it!

[treesgrowslowly]

Thanks all for your posts!

Littlelimabean, I agree. Being a 'super involved empath' can result in doing things for people, despite how we feel.

Most of my life, I did not realize that the majority of people around me didn't have this particular challenge. If anything, they needed to work on turning up their empathy. I needed to work on turning down the dial on how often I rushed and acted on mine.

As you said, firmer boundaries can change the dynamic. What I found was that a lot of people will not want the dynamic to change. Then you have to decide, as the empath / HSP, whether this relationship is good for you or not. That can be a tricky process in some cases, but also pretty straightforward in others. For sure there were some narcs in my life that I didn't miss at all after they left the scene (which was due to my new firmer boundaries around my time).

Jolie40 yeah, that sucks. I had to learn that there are people who will just go without the gathering at all if it means they have to host once and a while. Doesn't seem like they value relationships very much if they are not willing to share in the work of hosting for family gatherings.

Call me Cordelia - yep. It is very hard to get validation from most people for our sensitivity traits. It's a reflection of the larger culture that doesn't really place much value on those traits. Plus I think statistically, we are just a minority in terms of what % of the population has deep processing traits. Even if it's 20% (some people say it's 5%, some say 20%) that still means we are rare birds lol.

I think that can be confusing for sensitive types is when people are attracted to our traits, rather than to us as people. Some people want our energy for themselves, like vampires. It took me a long time to understand this.

Trees