In two weeks, my FIL is coming to visit for a month. This was planned back in June or July. My mother is showing up two days after him and staying for a month as well. She was supposed to be visiting earlier, and FIL had tried to plan his trip around the dates we THOUGHT she was coming. But nope, she waited and then changed her visiting plans. So they will both be here at the same time, with a few days overlap on the ends of each visit. Also my udxNPD Father is coming for a week in the middle as well. Oh boy.
FIL is staying at an air BnB near my BPDp's apartment. M and F are staying with me (as they own the house I am currently living in). Whenever they come I go from being the adult resident here to a weird mix of guest/child, so they take over the whole house. Also FIL and my parents aren't on speaking terms at the moment. Oh, and they're all going to want to see my toddler while they're here. M has already suggested taking kiddo out of daycare for a week for some unasked for intensive potty training, and F has tried to demand that he should get toddler all to himself for the week he is here. And FIL wants to plan for us all to take a weekend out of town during all this.
Anyways, this is going to be a stressful mess of a month. I've tried to ask for people to request/schedule activities ahead of time so we can have a calendar, but I haven't gotten much back from anyone yet, aside from the requested weekend out of town. I've thought about moving out of the house before they all get here, but that's just not in the cards right now....
What can I do to prepare, short of planning my own schedule and trying to stick to it?
Step one is keep your child in daycare. This will limit parent plans to drag you around the area. I don't know if you work, but if you do, I would make sure that you have a full work schedule. See if you can schedule some alone time for yourself during this time. My heart goes out to you, what an extremely difficult time.
:yeahthat:
Big hugs to you! What an awful situation to be in.
Quote from: Medowynd on September 02, 2019, 04:59:33 PM
Step one is keep your child in daycare. This will limit parent plans to drag you around the area. I don't know if you work, but if you do, I would make sure that you have a full work schedule. See if you can schedule some alone time for yourself during this time. My heart goes out to you, what an extremely difficult time.
I second :yeahthat: You can always tell them it's better for your child to maintain childcare consistency by staying in daycare (which is true). Good luck :)
Are you willing to change the length of the visit, either this time or in future? A month seems like a really, really long time.
Quote from: all4peace on September 02, 2019, 09:25:59 PM
Are you willing to change the length of the visit, either this time or in future? A month seems like a really, really long time.
I don't feel like the length of the visits is up to me, really. Everyone involved has flights, so asking them to change those would be expensive at that point. The main problem here was that my Mom changed her travel plans and booked the flights without telling me. But she made the change due to other family/personal plans, so maybe she would have done the same dates regardless.
Since it's my parents' house, I don't get to tell them when to come and go. The last long visit we had was stressful, but my Mom just views it as "helping" me. It would be helping if she was actually supportive of my attempts to repair my marriage, but instead lately its just been more frustrating. She's going to come again for a month in November/December, but I hope (so much) that I am living in my own place by then.
For FIL--he's done month long visits with us before since our kid was born. It's his way of getting to be a part of her life. My BPDp finds visits with his dad stressful at this point, but its on him to set that boundary. I don't mind his dad (too much). He had scheduled his flights first and was trying not to interfere with my parents' visit. They were the ones who overbooked.... :stars:
For those suggesting keep the kiddo's schedule the same- YES! Grandma is NOT getting a week to do potty training. We don't need or want her to do that. I might offer to let her take the kiddo out of day care for a day or two so they can have some quality time, but it's not going to be under the pretense of "helping" me parent my own kid.
Quote from: MIB on September 02, 2019, 06:02:00 PM
Quote from: Medowynd on September 02, 2019, 04:59:33 PM
Step one is keep your child in daycare. This will limit parent plans to drag you around the area. I don't know if you work, but if you do, I would make sure that you have a full work schedule. See if you can schedule some alone time for yourself during this time. My heart goes out to you, what an extremely difficult time.
I second :yeahthat: You can always tell them it's better for your child to maintain childcare consistency by staying in daycare (which is true). Good luck :)
. Especially if it's already paid for.
So question: Are you paying rent? because, if you are, that should give you far more standing on determining who can stay and for how long. While you may not be able to change everyone's arrival and depart dates now, that could help for next time. (I'm a firm believer in fish and guests start to stink after three days. ) And if you aren't, pretend you are and save up for your own place where M & D don't have say how long they stay.
For such a long visit :aaauuugh: I would suggest not taking your kid out of day care. She may be overwhelmed by that many extra people for that long without any additional time from not sending her to daycare. Think about how she reacts to people and how good she is with change. My kids could pretty much roll with whatever schedule wise as long as there was a warm up period for the people that were visiting, but I knew other's kids had very strict schedules or they'd have a meltdown, and yet others that meeting/re-meeting relatives was nerve wracking for the child. Know her limit on outings and excitement. Don't let the grandparents guilt you into more than she can handle.
If you mom (or anyone else) wants to 'help' make to have a to do list a mile long. Keep her busy.
Remember to breathe. Good luck. Remember you medium chill and observer mode if you need it.
Technically I pay rent, but my parents are planning to give me this money back later. It was a convoluted plan that came up after my split with my BPDp. I wanted to pay them rent, but I can't help that they plan to just give the money back. So in their minds, it doesn't count.
Me and BPDh are talking about trying to live together again, so we are working on plans to find a place. But we're not going to be able to move before the mass incursion of grandparents. So my focus is just on riding this visit out w/o any major conflicts.
Well, that's a sticky situation. At this point, make sure to find time alone, even driving around the block an extra few times after picking up your daughter. Maybe make some "appointments" you need to keep anything from dr. visits to specific times to go to the gym or otherwise exercise, volunteer work, playdates with your daughters friends, and so on. It's so easy to make sure your guests have everything, leaving you with nothing. Make sure you take care of you, not just your guests. Have some meditation cued up for stressful times, or make a playlist to de-stress, or maybe keep a couple of quotes in various places to remind you that you are enough, you are worthy, and you can decide for yourself.
Those are some nice ideas, Fortuna, thank you! Last time they were here I kept myself busy and was constantly accused of avoiding them and never being available to talk. Maybe this is a good time to reinforce that they need to ask to schedule time with me rather than just assuming I'll be sitting around waiting to be called on....
Wow! This sounds awful. Perfectly awful. It really sucks when the people who screw with us are the people we depend on. Being in their house must return you to your childhood where , if you are like me, you felt powerless. I agree with all of the comments that say to keep your kid in daycare and to stay busy. Before I went NC with my mom, always being buy/having a plan was the best thing. It didn't give her a chance to really screw with me as much. Best of luck!
Quote from: MountainGal on September 03, 2019, 09:11:47 PM
Maybe this is a good time to reinforce that they need to ask to schedule time with me rather than just assuming I'll be sitting around waiting to be called on....
That sounds like an excellent example to set. Whenever I had errands I had to run like getting the kids clothes they needed for the next week or groceries, she'd pout like a kid with less ability to entertain herself than my own kids.The only way I can deal with my mom visiting is to keep either me or her busy, so busy she can't get out a snide remark and an eyeroll in my general direction, and that's only for a few days. I find events she shouldn't talk in like concerts and movies and choral recitals, or brisk walking. Depending on the age of your child, maybe story time at the library or similar events.
So i spent a lot of time today putting activities on my google calendar and planning out each day for the next three weeks, mostly regarding where toddler will be and with whom and when. I asked my mom if it is still a boundary that she does not want FIL and BPDh in the house too much when she is there. H puts toddler to bed four nights a week usually, sleeps over at our place twice and we sleep at his once.
I told M that we would just spend more nights at H's place since she'd prefer not to see him or FIL. She responded if this was the only "option" she gets. Me and toddler being gone or having to put up with BPDh and FIL.
I want to say that these aren't options, but our boundaries to respect toddler's schedule and M's boundaries. I can tell M is upset and flustered. She wants us all the time. We could do one or two evenings when FIL and H being at the house to put toddler to bed, but that requires M to be flexible. It also doesn't provide me as much overnight relief as I currently get.
Any thoughts on responding to M in a way that acknowledges how she feels but sticks with what's best for me and toddler?
I got all flustered and anxious this afternoon, in anticipation of their arrivals. My head started spiraling about other problems and fixating on other things to be upset about, but really I'm upset about this pending visit. There's a lot happening in life right now and I keep anticipating I'll the criticism I'm about to get about not keeping up with my parents' house well enough. I wanted to get so much cleaning done, but my little kiddo and my self care need to come before that. I keep looking at things and thinking about all the little comments I'm going to hear. Like if I anticipate them that can stop it. But really it's just amping me up that much more and making it more likely I'll have a low tolerance for any criticism. This is probably the wrong path to go...
I need to figure out how I can remain calm no matter what comes at me. Moonlight on still water. I know I'm doing the best I can. I don't need to defend myself. I can just know. At least maybe with more people around I can just go for a walk and get out of the house when things get rough, since there are others here to watch my kiddo.
QuoteAny thoughts on responding to M in a way that acknowledges how she feels but sticks with what's best for me and toddler?
yes with medium chill (see toolbox) as in "I know you'd like things otherwise but this is our schedule". Period. End of story. No further coddling of your mom's feeling required. Really.
May I just say from the depths of my heart you're being far to accommodating and caring far too much for her feelings at all? She is no longer #1 in your life and hasn't adjusted to that idea at all.
You said when they visit you have a hard time maintaining your adult to adult interaction. This really speaks to the heart of the matter and has to do with transactional analysis if you want to look into that a bit further it might help.
Once you reach adulthood and individuate it is completely acceptable and quite the norm to establish your own adulthood and stay there. Once children come along even more your parents have a further adjustment to make as to your priorities and your adulthood which they clearly have not done.
One thing that helped me was to take and own my individual human rights to be my own adult and I actually wrote up my own Bill of Human Rights after reading about it on Pete Walker's website.
Quote from: MountainGal on September 03, 2019, 09:11:47 PMMaybe this is a good time to reinforce that they need to ask to schedule time with me rather than just assuming I'll be sitting around waiting to be called on....
yes!
Quotemight offer to let her take the kiddo out of day care for a day or two so they can have some quality time,
no, not necessary and may perhaps be viewed as a wedge, a compromise, not at all in your favor. There is no negotiation needed here. They come visit on your terms when it comes to your life and your schedule and your child. They own the house, they do not own you or your life. That's yours. Take and own it. Please. For your sake and the sake of your little one.
You're right, Spring Butterfly. A big part of my stress is that I am taking on responsibility for everyone else's emotions. I'm trying to preemptively protect myself by avoiding conflict, but at the end of the day I am trying to control something uncontrollable. My therapist and I discussed "Teflon mind" the other day--making myself invulnerable to their comments and just letting it roll off. I have not been successful in this yet, but I will figure it out this time.
It's hard with people who do not recognize my boundaries at all. I found out yesterday morning that my dad (who is not even in this state yet) invited my brother's family over for dinner last night at the house, w/ Mom playing the host right after she got off her plane. This had been planned for a week but none of the four other adults involved mentioned it until the day of! :stars: I made a request that they tell me before inviting people over next time.
Last night was fine. I didn't rush to get home and stuck to my own plan. If it happens again I will just have to make a choice as to whether I will show up or not. It's hard bc it's not just me--it all affects my kiddo too.
I did get some apologies for the last minute notice at least. And asked my parents individually to help me keep things peaceful and not interfere in BPDh being around for parenting. M and F both say they are personally FINE with BPDh, its the other one who has the problem. :roll: So I guess I should just proceed like everyone is fine and there is no issue, right? ;D
So its over :applause: :thumbup: For the most part, things were a lot less dramatic than I expected. The other adults all behaved like adults. There were almost no confrontations or arguments.
Until my dad came the last week. I realize in retrospect that I allowed him to push my boundaries in too many ways and I did not make a good enough self care plan for the last weekend. He really just does not see me as a separate person and has almost no consideration for me--though has moments where he ACTS like a caring concerned father, and that really throws me off. Any boundary or request I made, he pushed. Little things like "tell me before you invite people over for dinner." "Don't move my stuff." Stupid things. But they really build up when you have to attend dinner parties almost every night for a week. Its my home too and my time and space just gets commandeered. This won't be a problem once a move out, which I now have a huge pressure to do ASAP.
One thing that I would like to ask for help with is my dad's request for physical affection. He wants me to hug him more often than I feel comfortable. This is a problem whenever he visits, and it always comes out passive aggressively. He complains to my mom and then she brings it up to me like I am a child that she needs to scold or shame into good behavior. I've been sick a lot (b/c I have a toddler in daycare) and all year when he visits I'm usually sick. So I don't hug him when I see him, often because he asks me not to. But then a few days go by and I get this passive aggressive message from my mom about how I need to hug him (in the form of a text while I was at work this time). I ignored the text and when I got home from work that evening he passive aggressively brought it up. I tried to be MC and was like "oh you want a hug? you remember I was just sick, right? ok, you can have a hug when I'm done with this task," etc. (And then he and my mom got sick a few days later.) :wacko:
The last day I was really in an emotional chandelier state, mainly due to the stress of the visit and 3 nights of poor sleep thanks to darling toddler. BPDh was also gone on a long weekend visit to see his brother, so I did not have him for support/escape excuse. I had a meltdown in the morning when my dad cancelled our plans to take toddler to the wildlife park (which I specifically planned so that he could spend quality time with us, but apparently he would just like to vacuum the house and prepare for the next dinner party). I cried a lot that day and took a nap mid-day. I was still exhausted in the evening and tried to just excuse myself for bed. There was this moment where he was walking around without a shirt on and I was trying just to go by him and he pulled me into a big hug. I just really didn't want it and wanted to go. I gave him a quick hug and tried to escape, but he wanted an "I love you" which I did not give. I got free and cried on the way upstairs. This was a really intense and unusual reaction for me, which I attribute to the high level of exhaustion I felt that day. (He got another cold the next day, btw. Because I am always sick right now.)
I feel like he often wants physical affection from me on par with what he gets from my toddler (what I gave him as a toddler)--sitting on his lap, a million hugs, big sloppy kisses. Just knowing he has that expectation makes me shy away from touch with him. It makes me feel so bad.
How can I anticipate and prepare for this better on the next visit? I hope hope hope we have moved by then. We saw some promising houses this week.
On hugs-
I've been watching Kris Godinez talking about how, after abuse, will come
intermittent positive rewards
( the discard followed by the unexpected hug)
This is trauma bonding, and it's designed to keep you in line. They get us addicted to us. It's breadcrumbs thrown for us to feed in or be guided by. We get addicted to them but as we come Out of the FOG. we begin to smell bs.
I think in this case it was because he dropped the wildlife park visit with you and your toddler, his grandchild in order to look clean up and so to look good to his dinner party friends.
(This is my dad all over btw) . But they know they need to keep us on board, ( they will need us again at some point) hence the hug attempt.
Maybe he'd had enough of vacuuming as well, and thought you might take over if he did that?
Possibly. In any case your gut reaction was right. A hug with an agenda is not an act of affection.
You can set boundaries before the next visit. No reasons are needed.
He can't invite people every night!
It may be their house but it's your and your child's home. They need really to ask if it's ok to invite people round, but just tell you.
Try to act a bit more like an individual would around them. Don't just jump back into the role of the child when they visit. Where does that place YOUR child?
A landlord might own a house but you live in it and when it's your home they would not be able to invite people round or indeed arrange a workman to enter, without asking their tenants first.
No is a full sentence. X
A hug should be something that BOTH parties want. The fact that you don't want this hug, and then you get pressured by both your dad and your mom to do so, is just weird and must feel violating.
What if you just smiled and said, "I'm not a hugger", when your dad approaches you? Be stiff and don't respond. And when your mom texts you that you need to hug him, again say, "I'm not a hugger". They may respond with hurt feelings and drama, but that's their problem, not yours. You get to decide what level of physical contact you are comfortable with. They will just have to learn to deal with it.
Inviting people over to your home, even if it is their house, is a big violation. Yes, the sooner you can get out, the better. If they do that again while you're still there, any way you could just pack up little one and leave for a bit? Even to the grocery store or coffee shop or just fill up the car with gas? Because staying and tolerating it just rewards their bad behavior. Only you can decide if it's worth the drama that will ensue, but they are out of line here IMO.
So the hug thing. You're not over reacting. My skin is crawling! :barfy:
You said you feel pressure to move. You didn't say if that pressure was external (i.e. your parents pressuring you to move) or internal. Either way, it sounds to me like moving to another place would be in your best interest.
And I'm relieved on your behalf that the visit is over. I go nuts spending a long weekend with my parents, I can't even imagine a full month!
Thank you nanotech and iguanagos!
I am acutely aware of trying to not be in the parent/child role with them. I had already made a request to be given more than 24 hrs notice before a dinner party, but my dad just blew by that this last week. Obviously the next step would be doing something myself to enforce the limit. I don't think I can cancel his dinner parties, but I can leave. Its hard because these things are during kiddo's dinner and bedtime. I think if we are not out of the house by the time they come back, I will just take kiddo over to my husband's apartment a lot more, and will not attend any family dinners that I am not told about in advance. It'll be really hard to deal with the drama that comes from it, but I know have felt the acute emotional consequences of not protecting myself.
The hugging...I just don't know. I am going to need more time to think about that. Both your input is really helpful. I'm NOT a super affectionate person, so saying "I'm not a hugger" might work. Maybe I can just give everyone fist bumps that visit and tell them that I'm just trying to reduce germ exposure. My parents are both still sick from the cold kiddo gave them right before they left. You'd think they would learn!
Wonderful - so glad for you that it's done
Hugging - any physical contact with anyone regardless of relationship is with your permission or not at all. The very first boundary babies learn is our physical boundary, your skin holds you inside you inside and separates from others. Hugging (especially shirtless skin contact) is only allowed with your permission once you learn the word "no" . Physical contact that is forced on another adult or child is the most basic boundary violation. Violation is the key word there. You need to make yourself clear even if done medium chill.
One who is not a hugger has an intense and viseral response to hugs. A hugger know a non hugger when they offer the hug, it's a clear stiffening, they are *not* enjoying it, are not hugging back, stiff with arms at sides, no softness at all even if there was a relaxed conversation or greeting there's a total shift. Very clearly communicated without a word.
Trying to avoid or control conflict means continuing to suppress yourself, your wishes, your boundaries because that's the only way to avoid conflict - to suppress yourself. So you must at some point choose, yourself or others. Then once you choose you gently but clearly communicate and let them own their feelings and choose their response.
You must view yourself as separate if they are to have the opportunity to view you as separate. (not likely but that's the process)
It's not easy. My enmeshment and entanglement was intense. When I landed here I had no idea notaries existed and learned about them here. No matter how kindly worded simple requests or standing to passive aggressive snipes was met with rage. Plus MiL is the same way so I had it from both sides. I had to choose and I chose me because it was severely impacting my health. All of us here are traveling our own journey on the path Out of the FOG. It's not easy but you do hold the power, your power, even though it doesn't feel that way at times.
BTW
QuoteAny boundary or request I made, he pushed. Little things like "tell me before you invite people over for dinner." "Don't move my stuff."
these are requests / rules not boundaries. Check the Toolbox topic and also the sticky topic on boundaries in Working On Us. Boundaries define what you do when others ignore your requests, they are bulletproof and cannot be violated.