New here, no contact?

[Bluelight]

Hello. It's my first time here. I hope everyone is feeling good today.   

I have come to the realisation that my parents are narcissistic.

My family is a broken home. I have suffered with much anxiety throughout my life. They have been very abusive.

I am strong though. I will pull through this. Since I discovered what has happened I am making some good progress and I feel much better.

I need some help from the more experienced members here though and my question is about how to manage the relationship with my parents when I leave home?

Is it generally advised to go no contact and to make no effort to have them involved in my life? Or do I still involve them and maintain minimal contact? Is there any set guidance to follow regarding this?

My intuition says to cut them off completely, but at the same time I carry around guilt for thinking this for some reason. I think it's because my parents have always made me feel like I owe them something for simply existing and being their child who they have provided for regarding material wealth.

I know I can never have an open, honest and healthy relationship with them. It's always like I'm walking on eggshells and in a state of paralysis where I can't express myself the way I naturally want to. I don't want them controlling my life anymore. I'm tired of being a fake person with them and adapting to their abusive episodes.

Any advice is appreciated.

[Andeza]

Ultimately,  there is no hard and fast rule. The decision is yours to make based on, essentially, you. Are your parents so toxic that having them in your life is unbearable? Is cutting contact, at least for a period of time, necessary for your own healing? Are you able to just lower contact and achieve a state that you are comfortable with? The questions to ask yourself go on.

That said, it is important to remember that disordered individuals tend to negatively affect those around them, and most interactions tend to cause damage. If you choose to interact, you must also choose to take appropriate time to heal.

Also, you don't owe them anything for being born. And all that stuff they did for you? Parental responsibility. Do we owe someone for willingly taking a job, knowing what the job entails, and fulfilling the basic requirements? And if they're like most narcissists, they did the absolute minimum required to keep themselves out of trouble.

[Bluelight]

Thanks for the reply. I will reflect and think about the options.

I will try and maintain a health distance for now.

I agree. Parents should never make children feel like they owe them anything. They should be encouraging and supporting them so they can become independent. 

Have a great day.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Hello Bluelight and welcome.   
As stated here already, there is no "rule" but I think it would make things so much easier if there were. If there is any general guide though, I think it is to follow your heart and what feels right to you. When you think about VLC or NC, which one gives you more a sense of quiet calm and assurance?   
   
You could always take small steps by trying VLC with boundaries. Be prepared however that when such parents are used to having access to you on their terms, they tend to get upset when they realize the way they always interacted with you has changed or that you are no longer so flexible to their terms. I understand what you mention about not being able to have open discussions and feeling a state of paralysis when you try. If you chose VLC, you will have to work through that frozen feeling with your parents and use firm statements and responses that are not emotional. For example if they want to see you or have some need you are not going to engage with, just responding with "That is not possible for me right now" can be effective but will take follow through on your part. Boundaries will be needed and if you draw a line, I think it is key that you do not just back up and draw a new line when someone pressures you. Managing those aspects of VLC can be quite stressful and might by why some eventually go NC. If you do choose NC, it does not have to be permanent though and can only be temporary to get space and healing.   
           
I will be wishing clarity for you as you decide what is best. It is kind of a learning process as you go, so be kind to yourself. Whatever you decide is alright and you do not need to explain it to anyone or get others to agree with you. I believe the best you can do is make your own mental and emotional well being your priority.     
     

[Boat Babe]

I was lucky enough to get a good job 100 miles from London, where my very difficult, probably BPD, mother lives. This means a couple of phone calls a week and an afternoon visit every six weeks. This works for me, but my mother isn't an extreme case. She's what Woman Interrupted calls Full Metal Waif, which is fooking hilarious!

Depending on your level of honesty and integrity, you can start inventing all sorts of reasons for going VLC.

Sounds like some work on what your boundaries are and how to honour them may be helpful. Once you are clear in your mind on what is unacceptable behaviour, you will find it easier to find the level of contact that works FOR YOU.

Perhaps some therapy at this juncture would be helpful, specially with regard to feelings if guilt. I apply the principles of Mindful Self Compassion to these painful, confusing emotions (our old friends Fear, Obligation and Guilt)

All the very best.