Mental health at work at all time low

[miffyxo]

Hi all, I hope you don't mind me putting this in a seperate post. I just feel like I really need some help with this. A while ago I was having some problems at work with an office group not inviting me to lunches, talking about nights out loudly in the office, and playing mind games like coughing when I speak or blanking me. It's been a couple of months since and unfortunately I did the self sabotaging thing and I kept with the job I'm at, and it's got a million times worse. To the point I've almost quit on the job a couple of times

I thought I was doing loads of healing and for a while I was leading a small team (unofficially, due to absenses, colleague promotions etc, coming up with solutions to tasks and training people), coping with multiple last minute deadlines and not reading into things people said and just feeling over all healthier. I'd even been fixing multiple mistakes colleagues had made, and a couple of times I did say it wasn't my fault (which I thought was okay and later realise it was a mistake). A week earlier a girl who I'd say is the leader of the office group/clique (I don't like that word but I'll use it for these purposes) joined my team. I noticed weird things happening like she would completely overlook anything I say and when I pushed back on a deadline she offered to do the task quicker than me. I also noticed the day after I worked from home my computer monitor I remote into switched on, even though I'd turned it off the night before. She ignored me and walked straight past my desk with her friend to go to the team meeting (my team id worked with for over a year) and she barely spoke to me except to ask something work related. I felt very upset due to my own rejection issues and tried to bite my tongue.


I was really hoping all my good work up until this one week would be noticed by my manager, but a one to one I had with him the following week totally disrailed it. We'd been asked to book all our 6 monthly one to ones in with him and our supervisor as requested by him, and he says every time we can change who we have the one to one with. I always have mine booked in by my supervisor, not my manager, so I asked this one time to swap to my manager as he had already said in the meeting to do so. my manager said that was fine but when it came to the actual one to one and I got to the meeting he asked me "so why do you want a one to one?" He seemed annoyed. He had no notes prepared, didn't tell me I was doing a good job (which I felt like I was and was really proud of as I'd been effectively leading my team for the past few weeks during colleague absences, promotions etc) and didn't ask me anything about career progression. He just stared at me. I tried to be diplomatic and said it was because we'd been asked to do one to ones, and that mine is always with my supervisor so I wanted to swap for a change. He looked at me, smiled fakely and went "so... anything to discuss?"

This really disregulated me and I ended up bursting into tears, telling him everything about me not feeling valued, having to fix lots of mistakes from other people, and about the office clique. It all just came out.

The answer was basically could it all be in my head, and not to tell anyone about the mistakes as it's unfair to my colleagues. Id said I didn't often get praise for my work, and he said "well that's just their personality, some people just won't praise you" I diplomatically suggested I meant from management, and eventually he went "I think you're doing a good job". I've been told by him before that things are all in my head. Then the meeting ended and he said "anything else?" I said that was everything, but I'd had no direction from him the whole one to one.

Ever since when it happened a couple of weeks ago I've been applying for other jobs, I feel so upset. I feel like any work I've put in to my mental health has been destroyed and I'm questioning my own sanity. Even outside of work I feel constantly anxious and I feel like I'm having a panic attack constantly, even when ordering food at a cafe with my fiancé, or waiting in line at a shop. I just feel like everyone is looking at me and honestly my mental health feels at an all time low. I think I'd placed so much expectation on getting approval from my manager for my improved mental health and tackling the workload so well and training others, but when I was met with nothing, I just feel awful.

I hate asking, but is this all in my head? Is looking for other jobs the right option? I feel like I've exhausted everything else at my current company, and I don't know if I'm genuinely going crazy or if my workplace culture is just toxic. Any help would be hugely helpful

[bloomie]

miffyxo - just seeing this additional post. Offered some thoughts on your original post, but wanted you to know I support you and am so sorry for all you are experiencing!

[moglow]

Same 'cept different:
I worked for a law firm years ago - within just the first few weeks I picked up on hostile undercurrents and overheard numerous complaints from other employees. The so called open door policy of the main partner meant that whatever you say will be repeated to any/all staff at any time. Employee turnover was bad, a revolving door of attorneys and support staff. 

Then I realized (because I was first going of contact/front desk) bills weren't being paid. Client calls weren't returned, monthly client invoices were rubber stamped to send with limited review (overbilling was rampant). Case files went months with no action while billing for "file review" or other ambiguous action.

Over time it became obvious that one staff member in particular walked all over and talked down to everyone, and they allowed it. If she liked you, you were in. If she didn't, you were out. Yes, we butted heads, hard because I have little tolerance for rudeness and gossip and called her on it. It didn't end well. I ended up being called into meeting with senior partner to "explain yourself" while she sneered and openly mocked me. I should have walked out right then but I needed the job and she knew it. I was terminated within another month of that meeting because I stayed home sick as requested "we'd rather you not share that bug in the office!" (Yes I was granted unemployment but it didn't nearly pay the bills and my home situation tanked from there.[color=var(--input-txt-color)])[/color]

What I'm saying is, all the signs were there from early on and I ignored them. Looking back, I should have ignored the office politics and tantrums, kept my head down and just done the job I was paid to do. I wanted to make friends, be sociable and be liked, something that had never been a problem before. I did learn a lot overall but it was really hard the next few years as my housing situation was shaky until I found a full time job I actually liked. 

My suggestion is to keep looking for another job or maybe two. The chances of changing that atmosphere are limited, and you shouldn't have to live in dread of what the next day will bring. It's debilitating and flat out depressing. Keep your business to yourself - you don't have to explain your choices to anyone where you are. When asked in interviews why you are leaving, Avoid negative feedback about your current employer - limited chance of advancement is true and always a good answer. Look into those business, their reviews and employee satisfaction as well. It's not one sided! 

[Rebel13]

Hi miffy,

So sorry you are having such a rough time! There is absolutely no downside to looking for another job (except perhaps the time and effort it takes). All the career counselors and writers say you should always be looking around and knowing what is out there. Doing an in-depth review of your working life and rewriting your resume or LinkedIn profile can be a great way to get some confidence back and rebuild your understanding of who you are as a worker, what your strengths and values are, and what you want in your next job. I did that when I made my last change, last year, and it was tremendously helpful in seeing how undervalued I was at my last job, and how it was a really bad fit for me. I also made a list of the things I wanted in the next job, and I got ALL of them! And the huge irony was, it was in literally THE SAME BUILDING as my old job. Super weird, but sometimes things come together like that.

In addition to my recommendations from your other thread (Ask A Manager and Jerks at Work) I wanted to recommend the work of Liz Ryan. She has many columns at Forbes and LinkedIn and has great job search advice that makes me feel so much better about myself.

Best of luck and hang in there. It's hard but there could be something much better for you on the other side of this.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Miffy,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. This is not ok! Please don't think even for a moment that this is all in your head. The work environment you describe is toxic, your manager is a bad manager and a bad person, and your colleagues are bullies. You are doing the right thing looking for another job and I am sorry it had to come to this to realize you should run for the hills. But when you transfer to a different work environment you will see very clearly how bad this place was for you emotionally and professionally. Right now you are being subjected to constant abuse and gaslighting. I am confident you will find another job, much better than this one! Keep your chin up and persevere until you leave which I hope will be very very soon.

[miffyxo]

Thanks everyone for your advise! Moglow your workplace sounds very similar to mine , I'm sorry you had to go through that. After lots of reflection I've been applying for jobs every weekend and I have an interview booked for Friday for a completely different career (much less competitive and sounds like a more friendly environment, AND permanent which is what I'm looking for). Even if I don't get the job I'm going to keep trying until I get a new one. Just the trying is making me feel a little more positive. 🤞

[Rebel13]

Just the trying is making me feel a little more positive. 🤞

This always helped me too! When I met other people and talked about a different position, it broadened my horizons and gave me hope. I'm so glad you're doing that and congratulations on your interview! I hope it goes really well. Deep breaths! You will do great.

[TimetoHeal]

Hi, there, miffyxo,

From what you've written, it does not sound like it is all in your head.  This sounds like a very toxic work environment.  I may be biased because I am going through the same thing myself, and I am in the process of looking for other jobs as well.  I think you are doing the right thing.  No job is worth our mental health, and most will replace you in a heartbeat.  Go ahead and lay the groundwork by looking at what else is out there.  The last thing you want to do, as I'm sure you know, is let it get to the point where you quit on the spot and then have a black mark on your record and no job to pay the bills.  It's an employee's market out there right now, so you WiLL find something else.  Best of luck!