I’m Directing a Play

[Call Me Cordelia]

It's tomorrow. It's a kid play but an ambitious undertaking nonetheless. We are in fact performing Shakespeare. I've never done anything like this before (been in a couple of productions in minor roles). This has been part of our homeschooling and a neighborhood project.  Normally I (rightly I think) put the focus on the kids and their experience, but I'm going to talk about me here. Because gosh have I had to deal with myself.

It has been so so triggering in many ways. Of course kids are not going to be perfect. I've had to work through my irrational anger when kids don't put the adults' wishes ahead of their own the way I always did as a child. I've been hit hard in the perfectionist defenses. I can't pretend to be perfect here and have felt that I should just stop existing but that's not an option. I've felt all the feelings that everyone is certainly going to just despise me for trying to do this, or will try to sabotage things like my mother did, or just write me off as a crazy person and pull their kids. Nobody has, amazingly. I've heard all the voices of my parents saying, "Why can't I just have a normal daughter?" I've had to ask for help constantly. Sometimes getting it and sometimes not. I've accepted help I wasn't looking for from people it was uncomfortable to accept it from. I found us a venue and managed enormous amounts of details despite having ADHD. I've put in hours and hours of work on my own and with the children. I've lost sleep and peace and gotten thrown into emotional flashbacks and worked my way through them over and over. I've overall treated the children in a respectful, affirming, encouraging manner. I've hopefully given them the chance to be excellent without pressing the shame that has driven me my whole life. I have messed up and been frustrated but I still think overall was very good for them.

Tomorrow's the day and it's going to be what it's going to be. This is community theater in every sense. We have one more dress rehearsal today, and there will not be time for everything. I want excellence for everyone. But whatever happens, gosh we did this.

The age group is ages 8-13. A lot of excellence is definitely happening. Shy kids really rising above themselves and getting into their roles, memorizing all of their lines. Learning speaking skills and how to interact with other characters and difficult vocabulary. Complex emotions being explored by kids who are right on the cusp of experiencing crazy hormones and emotions of puberty themselves. Other kids mostly wanting to wave a sword around and they will be stumbling over their scripts on stage. Kids who had to learn sometimes committing to one thing means not doing something else you want to do. It is their play and it's going to be such a mixed bag. The goal was not the best production ever, but to give them a chance to experience theater together and give them as much growth potential as they were able to embrace. Little Cordelia sure got a dose of that, too.

[bloomie]

Standing on my feet cheering you on!!!!!!!!!! 

What an accomplishment!!! You are giving these precious kids a life affirming opportunity to grow and learn and be supported and led by someone whose heart toward them is tender and true! A safe space to create and expand their experiences!

And to have the level of self awareness you describe through the triggers and challenging voices of the inner critic!!! You are a rock star!! So excited for you and the kids!

[sunshine702]

Bravo!  I love this. Good job

[notrightinthehead]

How wonderful! What an accomplishment for yourself and the little performers. Congratulations! I bet your self esteem has grown from this experience. Brava!    

[Call Me Cordelia]

I don't really know yet. I'm expecting to just want to collapse on Mother's Day!

[Associate of Daniel]

Fantastic, CMC!  Well done on recognising and working on your own difficulties, and well done on seeing it through!  Having essentially grown up in a professional theatre  I know how difficult it is to create a show. And Shakespeare, no less!

It's hard not to be a perfectionist in things like this. But the thing that always knocks me to my knees at moments like these is seeing those kids who struggle in other areas of life achieve something they never thought they would. That thing might simply be standing on the stage in front of an audience holding a spear. Or it might be saying a 3 word line. Or playing Mary Had a Little Lamb on the recorder.

The boost to those kids' confidence and the hope that it brings them for other areas of their lives is absolutely priceless.

So thank-you for giving them the opportunity. And thank-you for exposing them to theatre. Giving people, and especially kids, access to the arts is so important.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Well we pulled it off! Thank you all for those kind words. So many surpassed themselves today and everyone has good reason to feel very proud.

I'm sure there will be plenty of unpacking of every kind, but for now I'm just going to leave all the set pieces and sound equipment in the van while it's pouring rain, have some ice cream with my kids, and call it a night. Whew!

[xredshoesx]

so proud of you cordelia for making the connection to what the play was bringing up for your stuff and being there guiding the kids all at the same time.  I know the production was outstanding and it was memorable for the kids you worked with too-

I recently sponsored a talent show act where we did an SNL style kit that was a spoof of the funny things 4th/5th graders get in trouble for.  the kids and I wrote the script, made the props, decided on costumes (uniforms) and practiced practiced every day.  when showtime came they brought the improv into it and it was funny and they did an outstanding job but I felt the PRESSURE to make it perfect similar to the ways (and prolly reasons) you described.

i think part of my issue was my whole life I have to feel like I can control every aspect/ outcome to feel safe and be prepared for the unknown as one of my fleas- and we all know in theatre once that curtain opens that's not possible ....

it was a good lesson to live in the moment and enjoy the kids and the silliness our skit was.

[Call Me Cordelia]

That's great, redshoes. Ah yes, control the outcome at all costs. I'm familiar with that one, too. Child of two parents with OCPD here, so improv and spontaneity and letting other people do what they would, and heck, fun, were just not a thing growing up! Glad you and the kids had a good time! Your skit sounds adorable.