IDD Cycle Speeding up

[SonofThunder]

Thank you for telling me about the Kimber Pepper gun - Even just for soon living alone. I looked into these and they seem like a great option for me.

I feel my pd is extremely lazy and therefore will just wait and see what happens and use the entire situation to mock me and make me feel like I've made a mountain of a mow-hill.


now I'm processing a few things:

I do agree it is wise to be prepared for anything. I spent 4 months trapped with an overt narcissist when I was a teen. The classic love-bomb turned to violence within a matter of months. I had to flee for my life and drive to a police station. I had enough evidence to put him behind bars and but I fled instead. I was too young and scared if I ruined his image like that he would most likely have killed me once he got out. Ironically - he was the only guy my parents ever approved of. He was charming, attractive, and had made a name for himself.

Fast forward to now - when I listen to the recordings - I can see how similar they are...Their pattern of speech and their faults they find with me. They took inventory of my insecurities and weaponized them! Only the overt was more rash which ultimately woke me up to the danger I was in. He threw me across a room one evening and his mother barged in and asked me "What did you do?" 

However my updh is much more in control of himself. He has spent years building a case against me just as my mother did. They are more calm and calculating and enjoy watching me in pain. It IS a truth war - and I finally realize everyone has flaws so if he wants to publicly drag mine out will it be fun? No.....But will it reveal his level of class (or lack thereof)?

The overt was easier to escape because he was irrational and I had an obvious reason to flee (violence). I will say even with bruises all over my body - some people still found it hard to believe he could have done it without 'provocation.' The provocation was he was cheating and became obsessed that I was cheating.

I thought because I wasn't being physically harmed I wasn't being abused. But seeing my children struggle with his behaviors woke me up, fast.

This current situation mirrors my childhood so well.

1. My mother told me (only in private was it overt) I never wanted a child - you ruined my life. Birth control didn't work. I should have aborted you.

2. Updh told me from the very beginning - I didn't want a relationship (lie) but I'll tolerate you - if I don't want you here you won't be here.

I tried with both to prove they should love me.

Most people became flying monkeys when I tried to escape or tell about the twisted abuse I was experiencing. Then it was "she's your mother....Just respect her and things will work out." And now it is "He is your husband....Til death do you part....Just respect him and it'll work out."


If I don't stay one day at a time I feel that speed wobble which occurs on a motorcycle.
I'm terrified of the damage he could inflict on me and my children - but I just keep moving foreward.

Falsebalance2,

Wow. Im very sorry you have suffered so greatly over the many-many years, and I wish for you a new-found freedom in your future, providing room for healing, calm, peace and a place/time to begin again in writing the future chapters of your life and the lives of your children. 

You are wise on so many levels with the experiences coupled with awareness and education, which will help you advance-plan in the best methods that keep your plan moving forward and in the most peaceful way possible.  Your high-radar abilities will hopefully be good insightful information to add to your wisdom in keeping you steps ahead of your updh, with on the offense side vs defense. 

Im glad to read you will plan for all possibilities so you can move forward to freedom in the truth-war. Thoughts and prayers for on the journey as you steadily convert unknowns to knowledge.

SoT

[falsebalance2]

Thank you for the encouragement, SOT!!

I am taking this for those moments I question myself:

"...you steadily convert unknowns to knowledge."

YES!

And it is okay. I used to find my life and past embarassing - Which is what I think made me such a candidate for repeated traumas. Time to own it and get wisdom. And that prayer has been being answered.

As far as unknowns....Now I would like to see what has REALLY been going on - and I think with a covert narcissist the only way to see is to leave.

He wants me to believe I won't make it without him. Let me turn that from an unknown into "knowledge!"

Also I have read most of the time my hunches (but trained denial as to never question the PD) about him having at the very least emotional affairs - are likely justified and may come out once he realizes I'm actually leaving.

Also - like a matador - I think if I can keep the focus on me leaving him - it will keep him less focused on the target I don't want to risk - the children.  They have little to offer him. He is far above diapers and potty breaks and can only dole out fast food and ice cream for so long before he begs me to take them back.


I predict he will use the victim card of being the perfect father with a B for an ex wife

(he wouldn't call me that if I didn't act like one he says)

and all of his free time to have lots of fun being single again.

He will probably pop in and ask to take them to the zoo or something high profile and take pictures to keep that narrative going....Until he gets the next victim.

He works in retail and I was warned a few times he is very flirty.

So this whole time he has an endless supply at work and keeps me locked away in the castle (At one point he suggested cameras all thru the house because it would be 'fun' if he could see what we were doing during the day. He also asks the kids a lot if any "uncles" come over during the day. I told him I found it offensive but he never stopped.

So looking back - a lot of his behaviors point to his own desires to be doing something else.

Also - what makes my stomach churn is looking back to when we first began dating in college - He gained a lot of weight while in his only long term relationship and she cheated and then left him eventually. We even have the same name. And the behaviors he complained about he eventually brought out in me.

Then he lost the weight and got in shape and was serial dating until he got me...And then the weight piled back on once he relaxed that he had me locked in. I think food is his drug.

His "please give me 6 months to lose weight and get in shape and then I can 'handle' you guys" was more likely "crap, the gig is up. Don't dump me while I look like this. I need to look better than you and replace you quickly before you win and replace me."


Just want to put this here so future me can come back and say WOW I saw it all how was I in the fog so long?!

[SonofThunder]

Hang in there FB2!  Keep posting and make steady forward progress with great advanced preparations at all times.  Dont forget to eat well and get as much sleep as possible, even if its shorter, more frequent sleep sessions. Eat good quantity foods and healthy mind/body foods.  Its a truth war and all comrades need to be their best, both mentally and physically.  You got this! 

SoT

[falsebalance2]

So true!

Have to think like a soldier in the truth war!!!

Thanks, SOT!

[falsebalance2]

Bad Soap Opera

Well - Move out day is approaching.

PD has been dodging seeing me at all.

Tonight when I left for dinner with the kids he came out Disney Dad right when I got food on plates (he never eats with us and he had already knocked on the door as I was packing and said he was going out to eat). He knows I can't eat when I'm nervous....So the timing seemed so planned. So I shoved the food in my mouth and reminded myself....I'm a smooooothe, gray rock.

Our small son asked him why he slept all day (gray rocks don't laugh lol)  (it was his day off and he did in fact sleep all day...) and he got irritated and said "I wasn't sleeping" as DS said something off script so he left anf closed the door mid sentence of DS chatting...DS dropped his food and looked at me and said 'oh.' I quietly assured son this was rude. It was also gas lighting as DS SAW him sleeping.

This is life with him....If we say something off script he will walk away and disappear.


He came back out within 2 min and sat in a chair facing me and here was the moment.....drum roll please....

FB2,

yes?

I needed to get a thing out of your *room* (he named it something I haven't called it before lol) from the closet but I didn't know all that stuff was in there...

(literally packed full of moving boxes)

I swallow my GR food.... What stuff?

There's stuff all over the floor (irritation slip)

Oh. ok. Yeah I can get it for you.

(friendly tone) Oh ok thanks. It doesn't have to be today. there's no rush. (duper's delight)

Ok.

Then he goes to whistling which is when he thinks he has won a con.

What just happened there?!?! 


I can't worry too much about what he is going to do. I have to do something and this is it.


I already had my suspicions he looks in the spare room I have been using to gather my things.

Also - Because I told him I was moving out two weeks ago -  I know he knows I am moving out. He has been pretending to be neutral the last two days (less than 2 minute interactions)

He does things with the kids to get under my skin - But slowly he is losing all control and power over me. Because I know that I'm only responsible now for my own relationship with them.

Whatever he does to damage their tiny little souls will forever be on him. I believe that was the last thing I had to let go of. And I've learned from some of you wonderful people on Out of the FOG that them seeing me in the drama triangle is damaging and was my part.



Their confidence has sky rocketed the last couple of months because I have done a fantastic job with GR and MC and the toolbox. Some bumps in the road but I'm learning.

Yes he has threatened for years to take them from me or kill me if I left. But if I stay he is going to try to take them and it will kill me anyway.

Yes he is going to play ultimate victim. Yes he will smear me. Yes he may have a legal advantage because he will lie to win.

I have my own battle plan in place.

The truth will win out - even if it costs me everything.

I am at that HOLD moment of battle. I get heart palpitations when he walks in the room.Because Out of the FOG I can see how deadly this was from the beginning.

I married a con man. And he needed a front to disarm people and 'win' against his FOO.


I've already secured what can't be lost for the move and everything else I've gotten myself ready to lose if he pulls anything overt.

My guess is he has the security plan he had three years building a reputation at his job and keeping me and the kids away so he could control the narrative about me.

Imo -I think he greatly overestimates how much people care about him at his work and I think he is going to discard many people at his job when they don't side with him the dramatic way he has cooked up in fantasy land. He has a harem and maybe two gullible guys who have never met me who will pump him up.....Ironically - I believe keeping me out of sight at his new location bit him in the end. Before - He would parade me around and use my charm to win favor with higher ups...But they wound up loving me and ds and spoke about what a good mom I was and updh couldn't have that - so when he tried to sabotage me back then - he actualIy admitted he did and that said bosses took my side. After that he discarded and then moved on to his current place - and I'm starting to wonder if his career is a magnet for pds because they're all dog eat dog and now people are beginning to see cracks in his story. If he is such a family man....then where are we?

Also I noticed the pattern - when he has nobody believing him or falling for his fantasy - That is when he confides in me. But now I see this wasn't love and trust it was 'nobody is doing what I say - good thing I still have this idiot."

But I can recall conversations with extreme accuracy (symptom from growing up this way) and now I can go back and scan all of my brain files and piece everything together.

Hoping I can use past behavior as a predictor of future behavior.

If I keep helping ds stop being a care-taker and validating reality for the kids - they may escape the cult and wind up in discard land....And hopefully be wise and know what to do with this type of person.

Updh always said he "wanted" DS when he turned 7...because then 'they aren't so needy and he can throw a football.'

I wish I could have woken up sooner. I will do my ultimate best to equip the children.

[notrightinthehead]

Keeping my fingers crossed for the move. Hold on to that clarity of mind!

[square]

 

[square]

Btw, the thing he asked you to retrieve and then smirked about. I don't know if this will help you but you could decide to drag your feet. Don't retrieve it. When he follows up say oh yeah sure will do it later / can't right now cause ___. And refuse to be pinned down to a promise of when (sure tonight if I can / we'll see). MC all accusations - if you asked him to do something, how would he wiggle out of it? Borrow from his book. Number one is to not take the request seriously, nor the accusations resulting from not doing so. You forgot and are busy. Big deal.

I'm not sure if you can prevail but he may reveal his plan to you as he gets frustrated.

Even if I wasn't sure I would refuse to the bitter end, I would sure avoid hurrying to his trap.

[SonofThunder]

FB2,

Great job on:  "Their confidence has sky rocketed the last couple of months because I have done a fantastic job with GR and MC and the toolbox. Some bumps in the road but I'm learning."    

Since we non's are mostly on defense, we cannot predict the offense maneuvers of the PD, so "bumps in the road" in defense are normal.  I suggest you look at those bumps as training. Continuous training turns unknown-bumps to known-bumps when those situations reoccur, as PD's are very predictable.  Your GR, MC and toolbox reactions/protections will get better and more natural all the time with practice, experience, adjustment and faster mental action/reaction times.  So bring on the bumps!

I personally see the incident about him asking you about the 'stuff' as:

1. Imo, a silent, masculine-pride, manipulative way of telling you he is very aware of your moving out, and therefore, based on his past technique of belittling and threatening, he knows it agitates you, and makes him feel powerful, as you mentioned by his whistling which is a PA self-victory trophy he gave himself just loud enough for you to hear. 

2. Imo, his coming back to sit and face you and ask you that question is also a smokescreen-deflection for his deflated masculinity embarrassment in being truthfully confronted by a child on sleeping all day. 

3. Imo the "It doesn't have to be today. there's no rush", imo is his way of baiting you for a possible room-emptying timeline reaction.  Therefore your 'ok' was perfect MC as it gave him nothing, leaving his baited hook just sitting there. 

Well done comrade!  Thoughts and prayers for steady forward progress.

SoT

[falsebalance2]

Thank you all so much for reading and responding. It is such an encouragement and I'm grateful.

@NRITH thank you!

@Square - Thank you - I know what you mean - and I did something similar (not doing what he asked straight away and he used that to start major drama and get me in a position where he could verbally abuse me for not doing what he asked. So in this case it was a laughable item and didn't pain me at all to go grab. He even called it something it is not just to add to the element of confusion    So I can't often win in this situation ughhh! 

fortunately staying GR saved me this time

Also to note - When he 'moved out' into the master bedroom he took everything valuable out of said closet...So this wasn't a true need....It was letting me know he knows I know that he knows that I......

SOT - Thank you for your insights. I greatly value it - as a man he still has things going on his side I won't understand PD or not so thank you very much!

I think you hit every point on target...

Since he has decided to silent treat me and avoid me and reality - I will let him hang out there. There is no point in telling him anything. Yes - he will use this as his ultimate victim script - that I didn't tell him - But I DID and then he stopped speaking to me (again).

I consider what I'm doing polite. 

He is off again tonight so I'm not doing any packing in front of him as I GR my way outta here.

On moving day there could be some turbulence - But the movers presence should be enough to have him running for the hills as he will want to avoid any of that shame he can't handle.  Either that or he may put on a poor me show for them - Or ask for the kids...I'm praying he has to work that day. He doesn't know the day.

I have also found out as he stopped giving me his unpredictable schedule as a means to be persecutor - I have started asking when he works the next day if I need the peace of mind and it irritates him greatly - But he can't do or say anything because then he would have to acknowledge he ever quit sending me his schedule.

When I told him I was moving out - he had asked if I needed help....I said waa? He said like with a uhual or something..are you going to need my help.  Oh...No, thanks.

I. KNOW. BETTER.

I'll keep updating!

I hope my body recovers quickly from all of this stress. I feel double my age....But when I'm driving around lately and realize I will get to be myself again soon...A joy washes over me.

Ready for the other side of this!

[square]

I'm very impressed! You got this!

[falsebalance2]

 

I'm very impressed! You got this!

[escapingman]

I am thinking of you FB and I really hope your move goes well and you and your children keep safe.

[falsebalance2]

Thank you, EM!


I was able to get us to our new place!


I couldn't sleep so we woke up early. I had the car packed with a load of things I didn't want to risk and as we were headed out updh(stbx) came through the door claiming I scared the bleep out of him. He was ready to go off to his new hobby.

He asked where we were going as if he hadn't a clue (Tho he parked next to my packed car).
I told him the town and then DD said in an angelic happy voice - We are going to our new home!
So then he scowled at me and said "are you moving out?!"
To which I just said yes. And went and got more stuff. He did his creepy new over the top baby talk and then he left before we did.

Bless God the movers showed up three hours early!!! and were done so fast I didn't have a lot of time to think.

I tried to be extremely fair and left him essentials - he said he hated all of the decor minus a few items so I left those and took the rest. Videos of the house.

Well...As he got home from his hobby the texts came.

demanding I tell him where I am as he needs to know where HIS kids are...and that he doesn't want to but will have to get an attorney after me.

I said I'm not comfortable giving my address told him how close by I am and that I would meet so he could see the kids.

But remember - Someone is too cool for car seats in their car   

And why did he go golfing if he was so worried about their wherabouts.

His last message was "I don't know what you're up to lady but it is super shady."

I haven't responded.

I know he'll find out where I am. In this day and age it is so easy. But I'll be ready to record.

I think I'll ask the landlord if I may install a doorbell camera.

so there.

I'm out.

I am going through more emotions than I thought possible but I'm like a stone on the outside.

I keep reminding myself he can't come here. he can't take this place from me. He could do something with the kids but he can't come here and ruin our peace here.



It will be tough and tight going forward...But I couldn't afford losing my health and sanity either!

[SonofThunder]

Falsebalance2,

You are a 100% HERO!!  You are also a HERO to your kids!  What a bold, brave, calm, steady, determined, prepared, toolbox-focused, highly educated superstar.  Im SO proud of your determination and stellar bravery. 

My hat tips to you today and I will celebrate your bold victory and start on your new journey in healing, peace and freedom, with a cold beverage raised high in cheers to my Out of the FOG comrade. 😃 🙌🏼

SoT

[square]

Yeah, I am just amazed. Another hat off to you.

[escapingman]

WOW FB, just WOW. You are so strong and brave. I was never as brave and could never have managed to keep my calm and moving out in front of uNPDx in that way. I am so proud of you! Well done.

Good luck in your new home and with our real journey that starts now.

[falsebalance2]

Thank you all so much!!!

I really needed the encouragement.

I don't feel so brave - but I do know it was the best thing I could do. Not everyone gets this option so I am beyond grateful.

It feels like we are all detoxing and decompressing. It is wonderful and yet a bit like when you get over an illness and you are so happy to get out of bed but you get tired easily.

Right now I'm battling feeling like he can make me go back! I keep reminding myself he can't do that. He can take my money and my children sometimes but he can't make me sit in a room with him without having to pay a lawyer.    (I think this came from trauma of not being able to leave my parents legally).

It is like a string in the sweater knit around my mind stuck in the front door and as I drove away it all began to unravel on the road.

I have had some emotional things I know I will need to unpack - but for now I'm trying to focus on the physical boxes instead.

If I didn't have the babies I would probably have poured a bath and smiled until I wept. But I've done enough crying in front of them I prefer to give them peace.

I haven't heard anything from him today. I think in a way that silence (while peaceful) is also a bit terrifying as I can only imagine what is running through his mind.

I still feel so terribly sad that someone could do this much damage to themself and to others...and all the while feel as if it has been done TO them externally.

Or maybe those are my rational explanations to myself thinking he must be hurting. I'm not sure.

Also - Something very important came out of my mouth today.


I said in regard to the people who say "Well, maybe this will get his attention/cause a change of heart..."

I am not and did not do this to get his attention or change his heart. I did this because I am no longer willing to be treated the way I was. And if he changes that's great for him and anyone who is in his future. But I did not do this with any intention of going back or teaching a lesson. That still puts the focus on him - and it is time to look at my own self and why I participated for so long.

I want to remember what it felt like to choose living in uncertainty with zero family and willing to move my whole life and risk any and all finances to escape the mental prison I was in. That moving into a shoe box with no money felt like a 5 star vacation!

Forgiveness doesn't mean I have to stay and gamble with my future in hopes that a future attempt at reconciliation is not a selfish hoover. Because of the damage done - as much as I hate to close doors on people indefinitely - I can't go back. I can't let my mind even entertain the idea.

I forgive him already. And maybe I'll have to continue to forgive every day for the rest of my life...as well as myself.

Your words are precious as SOT would say "comrades" 

I have gained so much insight and greatly appreciate having Out of the FOG!

Now to the next phase of things! I can't think too far ahead or I'll worry myself - why try to guess what an unpredictable person will do?

[SonofThunder]

Falsebalance2,

What you wrote is SO good! 

"I am not and did not do this to get his attention or change his heart. I did this because I am no longer willing to be treated the way I was. And if he changes that's great for him and anyone who is in his future. But I did not do this with any intention of going back or teaching a lesson. That still puts the focus on him - and it is time to look at my own self and why I participated for so long.

I want to remember what it felt like to choose living in uncertainty with zero family and willing to move my whole life and risk any and all finances to escape the mental prison I was in. That moving into a shoe box with no money felt like a 5 star vacation!

Forgiveness doesn't mean I have to stay and gamble with my future in hopes that a future attempt at reconciliation is not a selfish hoover. Because of the damage done - as much as I hate to close doors on people indefinitely - I can't go back. I can't let my mind even entertain the idea.

I forgive him already. And maybe I'll have to continue to forgive every day for the rest of my life...as well as myself."



I agree, why try to guess what unpredictable people will do next, but rather be mentally, physically and educationally prepared and equipped for anything, so you can immediately dispense the proper action/reaction if any PD behavior presents itself.  Its time to start focusing on our own healing, all while making forward legal progress toward an end.  As Dr Ramani stated in her recent video, non's cant begin to heal properly if the healing process is designed with the PD in mind.  So therefore design our healing with ourselves in mind.  What does falsebalance2 want?  You have zero to prove to the PD or your parents.  Like you said to friends, this is not about getting his attention or hoping for a change of heart.  Its not about his future.  His future is up to him as an adult.  Yes, forgiven already, and moving forward!

What have you been daydreaming about for you and your kids regarding your futures?  (Not in relation to him/their father).  Time to make it happen! 

SoT

[escapingman]

FB, I left uNPDx twice last year.when I came home the second time she said to me I really thought her a lesson and that me leaving was putting a rocket up her arse to change. It took her 4 days then she was back to abuse as normal.