Square goes into the future

[square]

Thanks, PI. I think the reason DD and I vent to each other is to make sure we're not crazy.

EM has written recently about viscerally sensing his ex's alternate reality just being in the same crowded room. Well, I can feel my H's reality, programmed by years of repeating the same bizarre ideas. So I try to make sure, like, this way is up, right? Still up? Just condirming...

NRITH, I thought more about what you wrote, and I think you're right. I don't need to hear that crap anymore. I have a plan to leave and it doesn't depend on me having to feel upset any more often.

I might mention to DD that she is free to tell her dad she doesn't want to hear it either. She is pretty thick skinned so I doubt it bothers her, it just seems weird to her and that's it. The comment that triggered me barely merited an eye roll from her, she is just sick of all the broken promises and total absence of concern from him about it.

She feels free to tell him to knock it off and he doesn't generally overreact to her. As the daughter and not the wife, he gives her more leeway than me, thankfully. (Eyeroll)

[Beachstone]

T

And that kinda triggered me because of the degree I have allowed our lives to descend into madness in order to avoid asking him anything at all. The idea that he considers me not making a peep for years on end to be a massive nag just breaks my brain.

Hi Square,

My brain is breaking for you as well. It's heartbreaking too.

I go to extreme lengths to watch my words and not criticise, complain, nag or request anything. And yet I'm told during a rage how I'm always having a go at him. 

Sending strength.

[escapingman]

Square, I get you and I feel what you are feeling.

DD does this, every time she sees uNPDxw she rants about me. DD tells me everything, in the beginning it hurt but as it's all lies and her deluded thoughts it just rolls off. I think it's good for DD to talk to someone about her mothers behaviour, I have thought of asking her to stop but I think it is benefitting her. What really hurts me is knowing that DD2 will hear this smear campaign in a daily basis and is buying in to it.

So for my 2 cents worth, if it is helping your DD to talk about what your xH does AND you can handle it - let her do it. If you stop it and she has no one to talk about it with, she might bury it and either normalise it or get lots of unprocessed traumas.

[SeaBreeze]

I'm sorry, Square. That would definitely sting, but like you said, it reaffirms where you know that you stand with him. Before I learned no JADE, my attempts to explain my emotions, or  pleas to have my views heard, were often called "lecturing" by stbx. That's how pouring my heart out was perceived by him: as "lecturing". 

When youngest DS was a teen, there was definitely a line between giving him a safe space to vent and commiserating a little too much in regards to dealing with uNPDh. Instead, I would often agree that DS's experience with his father reminded me of mine with my mother, and we'd compare and contrast from there. (I also hoped to avoid parentification, as was done to me, so really tried to keep the focus on DS.) I did tell DS once, "I'm treading carefully here and trying not to turn you against your dad." DS replied, "Mom, you're not turning me against dad. It's DAD who's turning me against dad!" Out of the mouths of babes.

Sadly, our kids know what's up. But, they seem to have gotten clues sooner and younger on navigating PDs. You can always give your DD a gentle example of boundaries on what you wish to be discuss regarding her father. But I agree with EM that you are also her safe space right now.


 

[square]

Beachstone
I go to extreme lengths to watch my words and not criticise, complain, nag or request anything. And yet I'm told during a rage how I'm always having a go at him. 

That's exactly, exactly, exactly how it is. Ugh!

Escapedman
I have thought of asking her to stop but I think it is benefitting her. [...] So for my 2 cents worth, if it is helping your DD to talk about what your xH does AND you can handle it - let her do it. If you stop it and she has no one to talk about it with, she might bury it and either normalise it or get lots of unprocessed traumas.

Interesting thoughts. I think I can take it, I just have to stop my own vents.

I do not think I am nasty, but certainly do let complaints slip here and there. Like with the dog thing, I had said "he made these promises and then gets mad when reminded, ugh." I don't say anything awful like calling him names or stuff like "you can never depend on your father." And certainly NEVER "you're just like your father."

Also, I just commiserate on things bugging her, not anything gross like telling her about stuff that didn't involve her. But I should tighten it up a bit regardless.

Escapedman
What really hurts me is knowing that DD2 will hear this smear campaign in a daily basis and is buying in to it.

Yeah, that's incredibly hurtful. I just hope so much that she will some day see through it. Sounds like she partly does, but isn't ready to commit to it.

SeaBreeze
Before I learned no JADE, my attempts to explain my emotions, or  pleas to have my views heard, were often called "lecturing" by stbx. That's how pouring my heart out was perceived by him: as "lecturing". 

Oh man, I know exactly what you mean, and the double invalidation just really hurts, doesn't it.

SeaBreeze
DS replied, "Mom, you're not turning me against dad. It's DAD who's turning me against dad!"

You've got an insightful one. Mine is the same way.

Our frustration is not hate. DD loves her dad and fortunately neither of her parents are asking her to choose.

[square]

I'll create a new thread next time. But just wanted to say I couldn't be making these (admittedly slow) moves without you all. Thank you.

I know it's been years. But I think realistically I couldn't make a move until this year for a number of reasons, and DD having a car is a biggie. I could have been gone this summer, but I wanted DD to settle into college. Then plans changed and we are making new ones now.

So maybe my timeline is not as bad as I thought, actually.

I'm continuing to try to mentally rehearse getting a notification that a unit is available. I'll be terrified but the idea is exciting too.

I think DD will also have similar mixed feelings (she has no idea of my plans). I think she'll be unhappy and scared of the change, but also be thrilled about having a new unchaotic space. And she'll still have her room at home too, as long as H pays the mortgage at least.

So that's where things stand for now. Thanks again, everyone.

[SonofThunder]

I'll create a new thread next time. But just wanted to say I couldn't be making these (admittedly slow) moves without you all. Thank you.

I know it's been years. But I think realistically I couldn't make a move until this year for a number of reasons, and DD having a car is a biggie. I could have been gone this summer, but I wanted DD to settle into college. Then plans changed and we are making new ones now.

So maybe my timeline is not as bad as I thought, actually.

I'm continuing to try to mentally rehearse getting a notification that a unit is available. I'll be terrified but the idea is exciting too.

I think DD will also have similar mixed feelings (she has no idea of my plans). I think she'll be unhappy and scared of the change, but also be thrilled about having a new unchaotic space. And she'll still have her room at home too, as long as H pays the mortgage at least.

So that's where things stand for now. Thanks again, everyone.

SoT