My mother always need to dispense advice .... no matter how useless.......

[StayWithMe]

My mother is trying to get in the habit of speaking to me at least once a month.  OK, I oblige her just in case I might regret otherwise some day soon ...... she's in her 80s.

But I have really minimised the depth and breadth of what I will talk with her about.  I can't confide in her when things aren't going well, because I will find that information regugitated up somewhere else.  Whatver friends, activities she's got something to say about it.  Or, she will make vague statements and then say "You better watch out........"

I'm in my late 50s.  I know that some people will say "she's old, she won't change."  Well, I'm old and I won't change either.

Latst night's convo showed she hadn't changed.  She knows I don't work and I'm on chemo.  She wanted to know how else I spend my time.  I engage in some volunteer activities, so they not paid but they bring me satisfcation.  I've stopped talking about those things because she has told me that I am wasting and that I should demand a paid position.  Oh dear.  Mind you, my mother was a SAHM and did lot of volunteer work as well...

So in our 20 minute phone call, I did give up that I have taken up tennis.  I had thought about calling her over the weekend (this is true) but I went to tennis meetup over the weekend in cold weather and it exacerbated the slight cold that refuses to go away.

So then my mother says --she puts her advice--  "Well, do you think that maybe you should give up tennis?"

Hmmm, had I said that I'm get naseaus everytime I file my taxes, would she have said "Maybe you should give up filing your taxes?"

I told her that I do it for the excercise.  Unless she asked more questions, I wasn't going to defend or explain that any further.  My oncologist tells me that my blood tests yield better results when I am lighter.  And we're talking about differences of a couple of pounds........ since my weight loss has stalled in the last couple of months.

She back tracked and said "Well, maybe you shouldn't."  But it's just a reminder of why I don't speaking with her.

A few years ago when I was still living overseas, I had a problem with the bank in hometown that I was still using.  So I waited until I was visiting during the holidays to make the phone calls.  My mother followed me around the house to listen to my half of the conversation ......--ok, it's her house and her phone....--- and when I got off the phone she says "Maybe you have too many bank accounts."  So I asked her "How many bank accounts do I have?"  She said she didnt' know.  Well, that's good start.......

Some of you here are parents.  Do you really have the relationship murdering drive to constantly dispense useless, imperious to your adult children?

[11JB68]

My uocpdh does this to our ds21 all the time. Drives me crazy!

[StayWithMe]

My uocpdh does this to our ds21 all the time. Drives me crazy!

How does he handle it?

[11JB68]

Ds21 mostly just nods, says uh-huh, and then does his own thing.
My problem is that uPDh wants me on his side, to back him up, and even to enforce his wishes with ds21.
As I've been practicing mc, my latest response to such an attempt was "I'll put some thought into that"
I had a long talk with ds21 last summer so he is now aware of my amateur diagnosis of uOCPDh and agrees wholeheartedly, so at least now I feel like he's aware of what he's dealing with. Ds21 is much better at mc than I am. ☺