Got drawn back in...

[clara]

By a uNPD friend I NC'd a few years ago.  Now he's back wanting me to help on a project we worked on about 10 years ago.  Since my name is on the project, I felt obligated to give the help although I don't know if this is a legitimate desire to work again on the project or just him needing my as a source of supply.  Of course, he's acting like nothing happened and my going NC was just me getting upset over something he did regarding this project, which is partly true because I was pretty angry over some of the disastrous changes he made and I let him know, but never gave him cause to think I was angry, rather just upset.  By then, even if I didn't know he was NPD, I knew enough about him to know that if I showed him anger, he'd turn it back on me.  Anyway, now he's all hearts and flowers and how we're actually bff, but I'm going into all of this with my eyes open and I can see his talk for the manipulations they are.  I guess the issue is, like I said, whether or not he's sincere about improving the project (that he ruined) or just needs supply.  He seems like he has very few people in his life and I suspect it's a combination of both, primarily supply.  But no, after we met up, I could tell he hadn't changed at all (of course not--he's a PD!)  I'm just trying to keep a distance, not get too close, not make promises or what he might interpret as promises, to say and do as little as possible to avoid encouraging him to think he can just go back to the manipulative, controlling relationship we had in the past.

Thanks to this forum and everyone one it! 

[NoVoice357]

Hello Clara,

Good that you were able to recognize that it was a hoover. He is not being sincere, he has not changed and never will. Yes, when they hoover their sources, including non-intimate secondary sources as in your case, they contact us as if nothing happened, they can be so nice and charming that we wrongly believe they have changed this time but sincere friends do not behave like that.

I guess the issue is, like I said, whether or not he's sincere about improving the project (that he ruined) or just needs supply.  He seems like he has very few people in his life and I suspect it's a combination of both, primarily supply. 

Since NPDs see others as appliances, there are three things they look for in others: 1-fuel/NS, 2-character traits and 3-residual benefits. As you said, it could be a combination of 1 and 3. More on the NPD's three prime aims by HG Tudor:
https://narcsite.com/2017/08/12/the-prime-aims-2/

You mentioned this project is 10 years old. Is there any contract or agreement specifying what your responsibilities are?  If not, he could be manipulating your feelings by exploiting your empathic traits to make you feel responsible and do the work for him.
Being responsible and feeling responsible are two different things. If he makes you feel responsible when you are not, you are being manipulated.

[countrygirl]

Hi clara,

I'm very sorry that this uNPD friend has contacted you again, and that he may have used the excuse of the project to do so.  You sound like a responsible person, who wants to do the right thing professionally, even if it means coming into contact with this manipulative uNPD. 

Only you can judge whether you actually need to give him help, but if you do, it's great that you are on the alert for his manipulations.

I also have a nuNPD friend with whom I still have some business ties, and I walk a very fine line with her, because some contact is necessary.  Frankly, I would feel better if I had no contact at all, not even professionally.  My advice would be to limit contact with your uNPD as much as you possibly can.  It will soon become apparent whether he actually wants to improve the project; if it turns out that he doesn't, retreat immediately.  Either way, I think that you will be fine, because you are now educated about PDs.  If you'd like, please keep us posted.  Sending good vibes your way.

[clara]

Thanks novoice and countrygirl!   I actually enjoy working on the project, but I can do most of it on my own (it's a writing project).  The test of this will be if he insists on my being around him on a regular basis in order to get it done.  If that ends up being the case (and it's a sucker bet on whether or not it will!), then clearly it's about supply and, this time around, I'm not giving it except when and if I want.  I don't care how much he says he "loves" me!

I drew some pretty clear boundaries, something I'd not done in the past (because I didn't know how or that I needed to) and they seemed to work.  Again, thanks guys and novoice--that HGTudor article was pretty spot on regarding what's going on! 

 

[NoVoice357]

Clara, you are welcome.

NPDs cannot feel genuine love. I love you means 'You are doing what I want' or 'You are giving me what I want' -NS/fuel, residual benefits.
Please be careful when interacting with him. I would not give him any kind of emotional attention (ie NS/fuel). Keep all your interactions neutral and professional. If not, he may try to ensnare you as his a romantic partner. 

There is another article about how NPDs take advantage of our sense of obligation and I thought it could be helpful in case you feel responsible for working on that project.
The 10 Obligations of the Empath by HG Tudor
https://narcsite.com/2019/03/05/the-10-obligations-of-the-empath-2/

Take care!

[countrygirl]

Hi clara and NoVoice357,

I just read Tudor's " 10 Obligations of the Empath," and if only I had read it a long time ago!  I had to check "yes" to every point he made about why empathetic people tolerate narcissists.   And I fully believe that the narcissists know we have these traits, and know how to push our buttons. 

I think you're aware of what's going on with your co-worker, clara, and that you will protect yourself.  But it's a shame that you have to be so on guard.  However, with an N, that's the way it is.