Sibling Relationship Crumbling

[Spring Butterfly]

Time puts distance from the hurt and I'm doing ok and just want to say a quick thanks for support you offered.

expects you to mind read so much! That struck me as so one-sided and a no-win situation for you. I can't even believe it. Something like that is so draaaaaaaining and crazy making

yes exactly!

can really feel that difference when I compare to calling a buddy where we just communicate with ease

definitely yes.

have the sense of a scorecard being kept about me, to be brought up in future

and in my case it was, directly, more than once thrown in my face that according to current tally the burden of reaching out lay on them. First not only was it a lie, who is keeping score? To me it felt like hey I haven't heard from sib x in x number of days wonder how they are so I'd text. Some days later I might get a text. Not that I noticed we were taking turns but compared to now it's obvious. I don't text, I hear zero, unless something is needed of course. When I have nothing physically to offer beyond kind words of encouragement they're done, I'm of no use, not enough, worthless.

Mentally I know it's not true. My friends love my kindness and loving nature. It's just these few people.

dont need to get my emotional needs met from others, but the loss still hurts like hell

I don't feel like I need anything. I don't want more communication necessarily because it's all drama. I just want not to be rejected but that's the same as wishing they weren't abusive or disordered and isn't withing their capacity.

[MyEyesROpen]

This sounds sadly familiar to me. I've been through a similar situation with a sib who I'd always suspected had more than just narc traits. Things also came to a head because of a health problem...I had a badly broken leg....which put me out of action for most of a year. My sib accused me of not making time for her during this period and every communication with her felt like walking on eggshells. I had no idea what she expected me to do, since I was incapacitated and in great pain. Looking back it's obvious that she was so self absorbed that she couldn't empathise with my change in circumstances and expected me to just carry on as before. Even after I recovered, she acted as if I'd hurt her greatly by not being there for her. Her personality seemed to be becoming more and more disordered and narcissistic as time passed. It was a bad sign. I felt very uncomfortable and backed off since it all felt like deja vu (I'm NC with my N parents). The relationship ended in NC when she exploded with rage during a final phone call. That was summer 2018. I'm sorry you're going through this. It sometimes feels like we are destined to repeat this scenario with most if not all of our family.

[Spring Butterfly]

Wow I can so relate to being laid up and yet still expected to tend to and cater to others. Mind boggling.

Things continue to unravel and degrade. If I don't reach out sib doesn't and finally after some weeks sib texted. Her response to anything I shared was like she needed to apologize and explain as if I was starting something. I'm not sure how she reads that into anything I texted, just sharing new stuff I've been studying and learning. I hate being treated as if I'm some delicate firecracker about to pop. It's like gaslighting darvo constantly. Crazy making.

[sandpiper]

Sorry to hear you are going through all this, SB. So much of what's been written on this thread has resonated with me. My problems with siblings went to hell when I needed to step back a bit to heal & they weren't in a state to deal with what was happening for me. The options seem to run to extremes, enmeshment or else Pariah.
The only other thing that I've reflected on here is one of the first things a counsellor ever said to me, in my early days. That being, it was quite unusual for them to be seeing a 21yro presenting with PTSD from family abuse dynamics - normally they see that in mid-life, as it usually sparks up when people don't have quite so much to keep them busy. My sisters both started to show increasedly erratic behaviour and their substance abuse ramped up as their kids got older.
So I am wondering if there is some stuff going on for your sibling and they've been triggered by your need for a bit of space. It's set off some abandonment triggers & well, there goes the rollercoaster if you know what I mean. Once that ride starts there's no making sense of any of it because the adrenalin and the reactivity just keeps on feeding in on itself.
Relationships with FOO who've grown up inside the same sorry mess are just hard.
I found that all I could do was to try to sort out my own mess and it was just so difficult that siblings and cousins had zero interest in learning a healthy skill set. It's like we speak a different language and dance to a different beat, now.
The reactivity is really tough to deal with. I've got a friend in a social setting now who reacts to me like my BPD sister always did. I know that it's her trauma, her triggers, her twisted distorting lens that layers her own emotional stuff onto me. She's part of a social circle that I'm part of now & while I feel for her, I keep having to remind myself 'not my stuff' - every time she starts projecting something else onto me.
My thoughts on this are that maybe, perhaps, your sibling has some abandonment issues that have been triggered by your need to set some healthy boundaries and our FOO being what they are, there's not going to be a whole lot of self-reflection going on unless they're in T and they have a T who is willing to challenge damaged and twisted thinking. It would be easier if they understood triggers and hot buttons and how to seperate My Stuff/Your Stuff. Basic skills, really, for boundaries and conflict resolution. Without a common set of ground rules it's really hard to work things out with FOO.
I don't know how you fix these things. I wish I did know. I do know how bleak it feels to be inside this mess and how it makes you doubt yourself and it churns you up inside. Sending hugs & love. Every now & then I wonder if I should break NC but argh... this stuff.

[Spring Butterfly]

set off some abandonment triggers & well, there goes the rollercoaster if you know what I mean. Once that ride starts there's no making sense of any of it because the adrenalin and the reactivity just keeps on feeding in on itself.

definitely yes I think that's exactly what has happened. No there is no way to stop the roller coaster. This particular sib is used to me being there for everything completely and entirely. When I'm not I'm made to feel like the neglectful, uncaring sister and I have to work hard to fight giving into it because not feeling good enough is a problem for me already. That's why I started rereading the book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" and trying to stay focused.

No one in my family is used to me having any need whatsoever. No one in my family is used to me wanting space. No one is used to allowing me space. This is new for them. It's new for me these past couple years to actually take time.

In the beginning when I landed here and read about "Not my stuff" I'd walk around saying it out loud all the time. Thanks for the reminder.

In the past when I have tried to include them, any of them, in something I needed or being part of the process for example with a physical healing after surgery it was just so problematic, limited, PD in every way. So in typical PD fashion they don't want to be there for me, but at the same time if I just take time for myself it triggers abandonment and rejection. Double bind, no win.

[sandpiper]

That's my recourse too - dig into the books. Some of mine are looking rather feral after 20 or 30 years of me thumbing through them.  That's a good one. I actually like the communication books when things get this ugly, because it allows me to see through the FOG and name the problematic behaviour. I think 'Injustice collecting' followed by the 'grievance dumping' - as seen on the page I just happened to open to in 'Is anyone listening?' By Sandra Michaelson - is the problem here. It's tough when there isn't a healthy protocol for conflict resolution. FWIW I am really over the pass-agg of 'really, it's fine' and of course it's not, but they don't want to come out directly and name the problem and tell you what they need and ask for change.
As my group T said - when you step out of that caught caretaker role to take time for yourself, FOO tend to respond with the whole 'Change/Change back' response. That's what I had when I stepped back. I was exhausted and my T suggested that maybe it was time to stop offering to do so much (cooking hot dinners and birthday feasts for them, inviting them over, saying yes when I needed to say no) and instead focus on relationships that were more reciprocal. My FOO responded with massive hostility to me needing time for myself to heal. It was an eye-opener. But yes, whenever I have had to deal with a massive life crisis or a health issue, their response has been 'Meh'.
I had to step back and think about how I'd been feeding into that particular dynamic. It's a tough one to break. That didn't work out well for me in terms of FOO dynamics but fifteen years after my relationship with my siblings fractured & fell apart, I still feel a huge swell of relief that I did step back, to seek out healthier support networks.
I was drained and exhausted & I remember describing it at the boards as feeling like I'd been sitting in a leach pond for too long. The hard part was realising that I'd put myself in there and it had taken me that long to realise that they were sucking the life out of me - and I had other choices. That was the 'normal' that I'd absorbed and it was something I was doing in a lot of other relationships.
Sometimes I think that part of the response to a PD parent is that it ends up creating a lot of self-absorption and limited empathy in the adult children who survive that. I don't think it necessarily qualifies as PD behaviour, I think it's a survival response. I just see so much of it & I've noticed that there is a particular subset of survivors that simply don't know how to empathise and yet be able to set healthy boundaries around what they can and can't do. There's just this 'Harumph, how dare you step out of your designated role. Get back in your role where we know how things work or we'll punish you for that.' My T said that it's not even conscious because they just don't have that level of reflection to know what they are doing. So when you get sick, or injured, or psychologically hurt, they simply cannot deal with it. It triggers their defences and they go into attack mode.
I wonder sometimes if that is a defensive response to a childhood spent with a PD parent who would play the victim & then when they'd drawn you in, they'd use that intimacy to tear you to shreds.
I had a great T for group. I was lucky enough to get counselling as part of a veterans' family support group & because everyone there was dealing with someone who had PTSD (usually unacknowledged & untreated & often with a substance abuse or a workaholic component) it was really familiar territory.
Our group T just told us to stick to our path (not our guns) and to try over time to create a new pattern, by checking in with FOO & just waiting for them to get sick of the 'change/change back' dynamic and adjust to the new reality where you are in their lives but you aren't as enmeshed or drained.
It worked for others in my group - it didn't work for me.
The little fun game that you sibling is playing of 'whatever you do is wrong' when you check in with her is a classic power play and I found that one really triggering, too.
I'd suggest dusting off the communication skills books but I found that nothing in there worked to create a healthy change with my siblings. It allowed me to check the behaviour, but this just irritated them even more and honestly, when they want to play games and punish you, they'll just find new ways to do that when you circumvent the old ones.

[Spring Butterfly]

Wow yes totally stuck in the leach pond and found myself a lifeboat here years ago. I'm grateful for that and that I could distance myself from the drama and prevent getting sucked in entirely to this round of drama. Progress at least.