TV show brings up awkward discussion

11JB68 · November 06, 2021, 09:29:23 PM

This relates to a thread over in the cafe about the show Maid...
Updh and I just started watching this tonight. Watched 2 or 3 episodes.
Very good but SOOO weird watching with him due to the themes around emotional abuse. I was very aware of how weird it was for me. After, Updh commented that it was a difficult topic, but how some guys are like that, he asked how common is it, what percent. (IDK). Then he did a weird h thing: well at least I'm not like that, I mean I can be a jerk but I'm not like that, my dad was like that, I'm not like that am I? (No) but you couldn't tell me if I was right? (I guess not ha ha) well I hope I'm not like that.

Yikes. So awkward.

square · November 06, 2021, 09:52:09 PM

You could look at it as a lack of insight. But honestly, I see it as insight. He recognized something in himself, otherwise he wouldn't have needed to defend himself and ask for reassurance.

Not that any insight is likely to lead to anything, mind you. He just wanted reassurance, he didn't really want to know if he was like that.

SonofThunder · November 07, 2021, 06:25:34 AM

Quote from: square on November 06, 2021, 09:52:09 PM
You could look at it as a lack of insight. But honestly, I see it as insight. He recognized something in himself, otherwise he wouldn't have needed to defend himself and ask for reassurance.

Not that any insight is likely to lead to anything, mind you. He just wanted reassurance, he didn't really want to know if he was like that.

I believe PD's do PD things instinctively and its a part of their short-circuit wiring. But i also am 100% aware they can self-control their behaviors, as i have experienced my whole life with my father and now wife, as they act wired normally to everyone in relationship circles 3-5. But us in 1 and 2 get the PD stuff.

SoT

11JB68 · November 07, 2021, 08:34:13 AM

Square, agree 💯.
I think it made him uncomfortable because he does see himself.
When we've fought or I've said how unhappy I am etc, he's always tried to frame it that he is not a bad guy... "I've never hit you!"
This idea was clearly portrayed in the show... Her h does not hit her and he states that to her, she's has a hard time labeling her situation as DV although others try to show her it is....

1footouttadefog · November 07, 2021, 01:21:36 PM

Had I watched a thing that made me uncomfortable with things I have done or do, my response would be, wow, I guess I need to watch myself. I can slip on this or that, and this makes it clear how bad that can be for those on the receiving end. I guess it's good to have a reminder of what needs self improvement.

I don't see myself asking to be told I don't do something I am sitting there feeling cringy about doing.

I think that yes most PD folks can control this stuff and as SOT points out they do. They simply feel entitled to treat those in circles 1-2 as they see fit. Those in circles 3+ are those who they are still portraying the false self to so they control themselves and parrot being decent to them. Like a role in a play.

losingmyself · November 08, 2021, 09:02:53 AM

My H would never watch a show like that, as it would make him uncomfortable. Which tells me a lot, doesn't it?
Also, if faced with DV in a way that is not hitting, he just bullies and makes fun of the target of abuse.

escapingman · November 08, 2021, 10:22:50 AM

I hate watching TV with my STBX, anything she disagrees with has to be commented on and she really acts like the people are real. For example, my uNPDw does not work, so she does not think any mother should work, so we were watching a drama about whatever and suddenly in one scene the character who is a mother is going to work, completely irrelevant to the storyline but she starts moaning loud about this and just ruins watching this with her. I have also watched a few dramas where it is clear there is abuse involved and very similar to hers, but she is completely unaware of that she is the same making comments about how horrible the person in the drama is.

Lauren17 · November 09, 2021, 09:05:43 AM

Quote from: 11JB68 on November 07, 2021, 08:34:13 AM
Square, agree 💯.
I think it made him uncomfortable because he does see himself.
When we've fought or I've said how unhappy I am etc, he's always tried to frame it that he is not a bad guy... "I've never hit you!"
This idea was clearly portrayed in the show... Her h does not hit her and he states that to her, she's has a hard time labeling her situation as DV although others try to show her it is....

That quote is a red flag in and of itself. The book, Why Does He Do That? talks about this. Each abuser has a line they draw to define abuse and they stay on this side of it. It may be "I never raise my voice" or "I never hit her" or "I never hit her face" etc.

My stbxh has a version of this. It's "at least I never.." interesting because that phrase indicates he knows what he did was wrong, but at least he never...

blunk · November 09, 2021, 10:47:25 AM

Quote from: Lauren17 on November 09, 2021, 09:05:43 AM
Quote from: 11JB68 on November 07, 2021, 08:34:13 AM
Square, agree 💯.
I think it made him uncomfortable because he does see himself.
When we've fought or I've said how unhappy I am etc, he's always tried to frame it that he is not a bad guy... "I've never hit you!"
This idea was clearly portrayed in the show... Her h does not hit her and he states that to her, she's has a hard time labeling her situation as DV although others try to show her it is....

That quote is a red flag in and of itself. The book, Why Does He Do That? talks about this. Each abuser has a line they draw to define abuse and they stay on this side of it. It may be "I never raise my voice" or "I never hit her" or "I never hit her face" etc.

My stbxh has a version of this. It's "at least I never.." interesting because that phrase indicates he knows what he did was wrong, but at least he never...

I absolutely agree with this. They have that line...anything beyond that is what they consider abusive. My bpdxh once said to me, it's just some words, it's not like I beat you.

Hazy111 · November 09, 2021, 10:57:05 AM

Im only a little bit abusive....not fully abusive...not like that guy...... so thats alright then...

And if you believe the line that i read too often for comfort on this site,,,, "that if you are insightful about your bevavior then you cant be PD" ..... like the alcoholic who is aware hes addicted to alcohol . Doesnt make him not an alcoholic.

Sam Vaknin "The insightful self aware narcissist is still a narcissist"