Public Insults as "jokes"

[chowder]

H thinks he is being funny when he insults people.  Then if I say something about it, I'm the one who "can't take a joke."   Ironically, H does not care for Don Rickles' humor.  Now he sounds just like him.

We were out to dinner with a group of people last night.  Out of nowhere, he made a loud comment about one particular fellow in our group having no brains.  I turned to him and said that was not funny.   He said it again.  I told him it wasn't funny the second time, either.   No one laughed, and there was an awkward silence.

I get it that these guys get together for card games or coffee, and they bust each others' chops.  But in mixed company in a restaurant, with wives and other ladies present, I feel it is totally inappropriate and quite ugly.

When I brought up the insult, he claimed, Well, *they* didn't have a problem with it because *they* didn't say anything in return.   That's right, good for them that they had the self-control and respect for those present to not give him a comeback when they had every right to do so.  Then he tried, Well, you didn't hear what he said to me on the phone today!  That's right, that is not in public.  I'm sure there are conversations between the guys that could not be repeated to the wives.

I've noticed lately that H makes what he thinks are jokes at other people's expense.   I accompanied him to a doctor's visit recently just to observe and ask a few questions.  Later he told a friend that I argued with the doctor until he saw things my way.   Later he said it was a joke.  I do not consider it a joke when it's at my expense and patently untrue.  Of course I respect medical professionals, and I do not understand his need to do this.

I have now told him that I have drawn the line.  I will no longer go out with him in public if this does not stop.  Of course he's balking and then trying to bring in everything but the kitchen sink about things I've done.  I told him this was about his behavior and how much I will tolerate, and nothing else.

Does anyone have any feedback?   Thank you!

[Starboard Song]

Yes I do.

The PDs in my life enjoyed a joke-and-tease culture. But a couple of the finest people I've ever known also did this. I don't participate in the joke-and-tease approach to life and humor. It is a style, and seems a bit addictive, but it cuts a small percentage of its targets.

I encourage you to accept his behavior towards others, and commit to just two things: you'll never ever participate in joke-and-tease approach yourself, and you'll work to stem his behavior whenever it is pointed at you.

"Hey, just move on." "Dude, I don't like the joke. Please stop." "I need you to respect that I don't find that funny."

Yes, the reply will likely be that you are the only one ruining the fun, or that you need thicker skin or whatever. Let it roll off your back. That is not an argument you need to have. You only have the one goal: to not be targeted yourself.

[losingmyself]

Yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about, except I'm usually the target of these insults, Oh, sorry, 'jokes'.
There's not much I can do, I have said "That's not a nice thing to say to your wife"  But the insults keep coming.
All I know is that I enjoy the look on the person's face, because they don't know what to say, and it obviously makes them uncomfortable. It really doesn't make me look bad. More of a reflection on him.
I am done being responsible for his behavior.

[escapingman]

The insults.... But as losing says I was the one insulted most times, every time I made a point of it I was just to sensitive and couldn't take a joke. Then I made the slightest joke on xPDw's expense and she erupted into rage. Fun and games.

[Starboard Song]

Like thermo-nuclear war: the only way to win is not to play.

[chowder]

Good input, everyone.  I will discern what is directed at me and what is not, and I definitely cannot be his behavior police.  At the same time, though, even though it may not be directed at me, I simply do not enjoy being with someone who belittles others. 

Thank you, all!

[1footouttadefog]

My pdH got to where he loved these games.

If I mentioned it he would also give me the same responses.

I eventually simply stopped engaging in activities where he would be present. I grew my own friend group and separate hobbies.  I wanted to be known on my own standing with people and not have the gloomy clouds of nonsense he kicked up casting shadows where there should be sunshine.  I notice since then that my interactions with others are much less awkward and confusing.  I feel like people get to know me better.  I think that his PD issues were tainting my relationships on multiple levels. 

in part there was inconsistency between who I am and who he was portraying me as with his silly comments and lies.  Additionally there was a layer of discomfort as he would often try to enmesh with others, flirt with females or play childish games to seem boyish and get attention, or he would overtly interrupt and change the subjects and redirect the conversation to himself. 

Some of the "joking" was often to short circuit a discussion where people were actually focusing on me so he could try to redirect toward himself or break the attention of others into two groups so he could get someone or the others attention on himself.