Moving with a significant other w/uPD

[11JB68]

I haven't been on here in quite a while. We finally made the decision to downsize after 22 years from a 2000+sf home to a condo/townhouse. It was a long time coming and in my mind necessary. The decision itself was 'fraught' as it would be with a uPDh. I knew the move would be a challenge. Thank god for toolbox and my several years of learning/understanding as I would not have managed it well years ago. That being said, I'm finding myself frustrated and unhappy on many levels and realized that I probably needed to come here and 'talk it out' rather than just keep it in.
uPDh is most likely OCPD but as with most PDs has some aspects of other PDs (NPD, BPD).
He is a bit of a hoarder-not in the messy house kind of way but in the not throwing out stuff etc. In our old house there was plenty of room for him to keep bookshelves full of books that he doesn't read etc. In moving he was totally on me to reduce, get rid of etc. but of course different rules for him. We had 3 storage units to move stuff out of the house to list it and to reduce the amount we'd need to put on the truck on the big move day. now it's time to bring that stuff to our new smaller home. I actually DO READ. Always have. Yet I have one bookshelf (i often use my kindle/borrow ebooks from library). The day of the move someone helping had put a bunch of boxes of clothes and also an ironing board and soemthing else in my closet area. I temp moved the ironing board and (? hamper?) to an upstairs hall closet to get it out of the way. He got angry -that doesn't belong there, don't make decisions on your own, we have to decide together where stuff will go, etc etc. The ironing board is now in my clothes closet and he has totally taken over that hall closet with other stuff. he has also taken over the entry way large closet with 'stuff' (mostly his). The 'combo room' is supposed to be my 'office', pull out for DS, and also agreed uPDh would have THAT closet for his clothes and that he could set up his electronic drums in there - well - the drums are taking up probably more than 1/3 of the space. He tells me I have a designated area for my desk etc, and to 'get the smallest' pullout I can find for DS! AND he has a tv in  there too (also a tv in the bedroom and one in the living room - note the only one I watch is the LR one and only because that is what HE likes to do in the evening for relaxing.) He has one full room for his office. So - yes, projection big time- he has been on me for not taking up too much space yet he seems to be taking up quite a bit himself. So some of  it is his uOCPD- needing all of his stuff, needing it at his fingertips at all times - but also just the uNPD piece of basically it's all about HIM and HIS needs and I shouldn't want/need much of anything.

[Poison Ivy]

It's possible my blood pressure rose just because I was reading your post. You have my sympathy and empathy!

[notrightinthehead]

Same here. Feeling irritated on your behalf.

[square]

My eye twitched reading that.

[escapingman]

This reminds me about how my life with uNPDxw was, 50% of everything was hers, 40% was shared and 10% was mine. I was basically only allowed 1/4 of one room for a desk and chair - that was purely because I needed it to earn money that would ultimately be hers to spend on the remaining 90%.

*Just to add that in reality in her mind all 100% was hers.

I feel for you 11JB68, stay strong.

[SeaBreeze]

Ugh. As always I feel deja vu reading your posts. Stbx-uNPDh took up so much space in our home, both physically and figuratively. When we started sleeping in separate rooms, he already had his own home office to move into, but still left most of his stuff in my bedroom, bathroom, and closet. He dominated the garage with large shop equipment he never used. He made the coffee table and dining table his catch-alls for various clutter. Would stretch out on the couch to watch TV. The back patio was cluttered with maybe 1/8 of it clear. He took over the garden. Only for him to complain that: I had the bigger bedroom, that my bicycle was blocking his path in the garage, that my one chair and end table in a corner of the living room were in an inconvenient spot, that I left one glass sitting on the cluttered tables. And how rude of me to claim one of the raised beds in the garden because he had plans for it. He was offended when I put a boundary in place after he started trying to leave stuff on my computer desk. Well, he has the whole house to himself now!!!

Stay strong. Carve space for yourself where and when you can. Set some boundaries in place if and as able.

[11JB68]

Sorry for the rising blood pressures and twitching eyes.  Em and sb, sorry to hear you've dealt with similar. As always thanks for listening

[Cascade]

Ugg, that must be so frustrating! I can see that happening to us in a few years time, when we downsize. I hope you'll be able to figure out a way to get more of that space for your own belongings.