Difficulty finding the right words to say

[Beachstone]

Hello, fellow travellers on the rollercoaster.

I've come here to post as a way of letting out my feelings so I don't confront my SO wBPD and express the hurt and bewilderment of his behaviour. It's been over a month of being the target of his splitting - this is the longest episode ever because I haven't been able to go back to fawning over him to make it stop. I just don't have it in me anymore. And so, in the last month, he raged at me, then mostly gave me the silent treatment. He moved out for a few days, then moved back in. I so wish I had followed the advice of my psychologist, who said not to let him come back. But I'm a softie, so here we are. I feel like a prisoner in my own house, tip-toeing around in case I come across the monster in the next room.

We are mostly ignoring each other, just a few words a day to communicate the necessities of dinner, parenting, who needs to use the car etc. After any interaction with him, I feel absolutely terrible, and it takes me up to several hours to get over it. I hear him on work calls, laughing loudly. Or he is acting all jolly around our son especially when I'm in the room, and then when he talks to me, he goes all cold and sullen. It's incredibly toxic.

I've done quite a lot of reflecting, and realised that in the past I would try to break the cycle by sparking a fight. I wasn't conscious of wanting to fight, I would just want everything out in the open so the cycle could end so we could go back to normal. I now know that this can make things worse, so I have just kept to myself and been very quiet the last few days.

But, I'm feeling incredibly hurt right now as he is being so very hostile and cold to me. And while I know WHY he is being this way- avoiding pain, shame, he needs to blame me, hurt me, project, etc - I feel absolutely rubbish. I guess this is what being discarded feels like! I've been his partner for over 11 years now, and I've comforted, cared for, consoled, listened to, rearranged my life, financially supported at times, and taken care of most of the housework and parenting. But all that seems to mean nothing to him now, and it just HURTS that he treats me like I'm nothing.

This can't go on, it is affecting my ability to work, function and think clearly. I know I need to be brave and find the words to ask him to leave. And if he won't, then I will have to leave with my son and find a new home. I can't even fathom how to manage the logistics of separating all our household goods and organising co-parenting when he is being so hostile and treating me like the enemy. I have a lawyer if I need it, but still...there is a lot to do.

While I've read and re-read "Stop Walking on Eggshells", "Stop Caretaking..." and "Splitting" I'm just at a loss of how to actually talk about separating. I suspect that whatever I say will be twisted and used against me. I'm scared. Can anyone help me with finding the right words?

[1footouttadefog]

Before you talk to him about separating, access your safety.

Could this get violent, if so what can you do to be ready to get away.  Where to go, have bag packed, collect needed documents and momentems. 

Protect yourself financially.  Do you have joint accounts he might clean out.  Credit cards to run up.  Perhaps "loose the cards and have new ones issues with a new number.  Debit cards, Shared accounts.  Direct deposits from work...new account.

[Beachstone]

Thank you 1foot - that is a good reminder. Thankfully most of my savings are in an account he can't access. We just have a small amount for household expenses in the joint account.
I feel that he is more likely to harm himself than me, but yes, you never know.

[DCF1952]

Hi Beachstone, I wish I had some concrete suggestions for you. I feel the exact same way and I feel like I could have written this. Sending you strength. Keep us updated.