I'm so very scared of her and her behavior

[Jsinjin]

Last post for a while.  I'm petrified of her behavior and her moods and her attitudes.   I'm not moving forward: I've been in therapy, voluntarily put into in patient, treated for ideation of self harm, asked her for change, made changes myself, tried to learn and to behave different and nothing has worked for me.   My kids are weird and have the same issues she has.   I don't like to live this way, I don't like to be scared.   All I can think of is just to walk away and let it all go.   I hate my current job anyway, the houses are all paid off and there is no debt.   I don't care what happens to them now in the short term.   The kids are 18 except the youngest who isn16 with a fully funded 529 college plan.   What if I just head to another state, get a place to live, ditch the cell phone, get a low paying job with 9-5 hours and no travel and let them come to me if they want to engage.   

I'm tired of the slovenly home, the garbage, the lack of interest in working, the screaming at each other, the way the house is falling down around us.   I'm tired of it all.  I don't think I'll be fully mentally capable if I stay there.

[Stillirise]

My heart is breaking from the anguish of your post.  I really have no solid advice, but just wanted to lend you support, as you so graciously have done for me.  You have most definitely gone above and beyond, for your wife and your family.  Only you can take the next steps, and free yourself fully from the FOG.  As I said to myself some time ago—No one is coming to save you.  It is up to you to save yourself, by any means necessary.  I have faith that your children will thank you for it someday.

What happened to your little cottage you were working on?  Is that still an option? What about a sabbatical, of sorts, like a trial run at a new and different life?  My little cabin, a couple hours away, and totally off the grid, probably saved my sanity more than once, over the years.  Sorry I'm not more help, but just wanted you to know I'm over here, and rooting for you!

[Poison Ivy]

jsinjin, you have endured a lot, and I think it would be reasonable to leave the house. However, I don't think you should ditch your children.

[ploughthrough2021]

Stay strong.  There s no need to do anything drastic.  Go down that checklist that you asked about, plan your exit strategically...And keep us updated with posts

[Poison Ivy]

 

[Kat54]

You have been through so much. Your pain is so real and I'm sorry it has not gotten better for you. Like what Stillrise said, it's only going to be up to you to save yourself.
It's such a huge scary step, I was there once. It's literally jumping off a cliff and free falling. But I found out after landing and getting through the divorce it saved me.
Everyone is rooting for you and are here to offer advice.
Stay strong and be good to yourself as you deserve it.

[Bunnyme]

Are you working with a therapist?  The pain you feel is real, and we believe you.  I know you are desperate to get away, but you need to plan carefully, including for your own future.

[pushit]

I don't like to live this way, I don't like to be scared.   All I can think of is just to walk away and let it all go.

You sound like a man that's reached his breaking point, and I truly understand why.  You've dealt with a ton.  We have your back, bud.

All I can think of is just to walk away and let it all go.   I hate my current job anyway, the houses are all paid off and there is no debt.   I don't care what happens to them now in the short term.   The kids are 18 except the youngest who isn16 with a fully funded 529 college plan.   What if I just head to another state, get a place to live, ditch the cell phone, get a low paying job with 9-5 hours and no travel and let them come to me if they want to engage.   

This part concerns me though.  It doesn't take extreme measures like this to right the ship, all it takes is having the courage to say ENOUGH and creating a better situation for yourself.  You are considering throwing it all away, when all you need to do is file for divorce and let the courts split things up 50/50.  Your kids are definitely old enough to handle you leaving, mine were much younger and are doing great now.  I'd bet your kids will eventually ask why it took you so long.  It's just a short window of hell to go through and then your life is your own. 

If you walk away and "let it all go" you will eventually regret that decision.  If you move out, divorce, and turn into a strong man that can lead his kids by example then you can break the cycle and look back proudly on your decision.

It's up to you.  The first step is saving yourself, then once you are no longer tied to the PD you can focus on helping your kids through it.

[Boat Babe]

All of the above.

You are not alone in this awful time. We are here, walking with you and understanding you at every step. Please get legal advice and begin the legal process of divorce. You got this ❤️

[SonofThunder]

This part concerns me though.  It doesn't take extreme measures like this to right the ship, all it takes is having the courage to say ENOUGH and creating a better situation for yourself.  You are considering throwing it all away, when all you need to do is file for divorce and let the courts split things up 50/50.  Your kids are definitely old enough to handle you leaving, mine were much younger and are doing great now.  I'd bet your kids will eventually ask why it took you so long.  It's just a short window of hell to go through and then your life is your own. 

If you walk away and "let it all go" you will eventually regret that decision.  If you move out, divorce, and turn into a strong man that can lead his kids by example then you can break the cycle and look back proudly on your decision.

It's up to you.  The first step is saving yourself, then once you are no longer tied to the PD you can focus on helping your kids through it.

Jsinjin, I agree with pushit 100%.  A "short window of hell" is a great description.   I walked out on my wife in a purposeful separation on July 13th 2018.  I had reached a breaking point, due to many life events happening all at one time and her PD traits were constant because of all the mayhem.  I needed to fully understand what I would deal with in a permanent separation to divorce and I learned it very quickly. 

Frankly, the first couple days were a swirl of emotion, as my strongly confronting uPDwife had an emotional childlike breakdown as she ran to my two adult child of 25/21 who were in their college town a few hours away and my emotions felt responsible for all the turmoil, by my actions, but I kept telling myself that my actions were simply 'reactions' to abuse, so were 100% justified.   

My eldest has zero knowledge of PD's (not a PD target) and zero knowledge that I struggled in relationship with his mom all those years, as I shielded it from the kids as they were growing up.  He was caught off guard as well, but his reaction was neutral compassion for both of us. 

My youngest was privately well educated by me on PD's and the toolbox because she was also a target of her uPDmom because as a daughter, she is considered by her mom to be a direct reflection on my wife and so there had been a ton of control issues between my wife and daughter.  My daughters reaction to my separation was a neutral yet caring response to both of us. 

I had plans from the start to return (I told my uPDw it would be a certain time span of my choosing but no longer than 1 year, unless she desired longer than I desired or permanent) and used the time away to refocus, further educate myself and calm down.  I was shocked how fast some of the physical long-term GI symptoms went away upon leaving my wife and that was a good lesson as well, regarding the physical issues that are caused by the emotional abuse.  After the initial couple days of pushit's emotional 'hell', there was a rapid calming as folks began to settle into the new reality. 

I've come alongside a friend who divorced a BPDwife and he also had just a few days of hell on the initial separation, followed by intermittent bouts of turmoil as she positioned herself as best possible along the way with her attorney, and his kids were about the same age as yours.  But the whole time, he went to a therapist and thought very clearly because he was physically away from his wife. He remained fully engaged in his children's lives and had to have a strong backbone and determined focus to not allow himself to be manipulated by his BPDwife, using the kids to hurt him, and he did very well.  You will also. 

Circling the corral, I mirror pushit and the others who support you for a rescue of YOU, but not a walking away from your kids and their financial support.  They need you big time and they will, at that age, hopefully be able to detach a bit from the situation and come alongside their parents in a neutral and compassionate manner. 

SoT

[notrightinthehead]

You have made your list. Your family and friends are willing to give you refuge. You have a place in another province where you can go to.  You can call your employer and tell them that your bank account has changed and give them the account your wife does not have access to. You have travelled for work. You know how to pack a suitcase and how to leave.  All you need to do is stay away for a while.  And restrict contact with your wife to a method that will give you time to respond. Like email or text.  That would show your children that there is a way out of the abuse.  You can save yourself.  Thinking about it, talking about it does not change anything. Only by doing you can make a change.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Have you seen a lawyer Jsinjin?

It sounds like you just need to solidify your exit strategy.

You have so many positives going for you, with that out of state property you acquired over the winter, the cottage you restored, an overall good financial position, kids pretty much grown....

What is stopping you from seeing a lawyer and getting a settlement offer drafted up?
You could move yourself out, into the cottage or your out of state property, send her your proposed settlement and then communicate only through the lawyers.
Your kids are now old enough you could maintain those relationships completely apart from her.

[Free2Bme]

 

Jsinjin,

I notice you thematically mention feeling 'fear'. 
I too have experienced long term paralyzing fear.  It is a terrible thing to live with and I understand how overwhelming this is.

Have you ever noticed how when you go to a really good movie that sometimes you can become so caught up in the story you imagine yourself in the story (ok, maybe I'm just weird).   
Could you, just for a moment... imagine yourself in a space absent the fear.  Your body and mind, light as a feather.  No anticipating the next rage.  No weird, spacy, emotional hangover after an abusive experience (dissonance).  Peace.  Quiet. Order.  Freedom to move about autonomously.

Relief is hard to imagine when you are immersed in this environment,  cortisol riding high and serotonin running low.  It is understandable you are drained.  However relief is right there, you just have to take the step, trust the process and carve out space to feel safe. 

Your older children are living lives that involve school, friends, jobs, etc.  They are moving into adulthood and will have to come to terms with their mothers issues on their own.  Your 16yo needs you very badly.  It's hard for the youngest to watch older siblings fly and be mired in the dysfunction.   I'm not sure how close your relationship is, but if it were me I would get my child and leave.  Go NC.  Communicate by necessity through attorney and via limited text/email only.

Pare it down to a couple of things to do such as 1). Leave  2).  NC 3). Get legal counsel

Give yourself permission to picture a better life. 

[JustKeepTrying]

jsinjin,

My heart goes out to you and I can feel your despair.  I mirror all the sentiments above and yes, we do have your back.  I said this before in another post, this is an airplane moment.  Take the oxygen mask for yourself and then tend to your children.

Follow the list you created.  Contact your lawyer and begin proceedings.  Move to your cottage or do what you suggested to the other out-of-state property and get a stress-free job there.  Offer your children the option of coming along.  And starting over.  Get therapy for all of them and show them the toolbox.  They are old enough now to understand the issues and comprehend the life you are offering.

You are strong and you can do this.  I believe in you.

[hhaw]

It's ok to accept a bad situation won't change.
It's ok to remove yourself.  It's ok to protect yourself and model it for your grown children.
It's ok to separate, but remain available to your children on terms you can live with.
It's ok to cultivate and restore balance in your life.

Modeling that for your children is a brave and wise option open to you.

Good luck,