I'm a little scared, but I'm glad to be here.

[faramira]

Hi,
I'm a bit of a mess tbh but here goes:

I think my dad is an undiagnosed NPD? at the very least, he's been emotionally abusive...

My mother was diagnosed as a Paranoid-Schizophrenic with BPD, and depression by her dr. It's actually funny (in a morbid way) to tell that to therapists or friends, who seem to think that such a potent cocktail would surely kill a person.

For years my dad has basically tried to hide this fact about my mom. Ignore her, pretend that she doesn't exist and actively told me and my sibling to not engage, to just let her be. For the longest time, I thought this was the essence of stoicism, enduring in silence and being strong. But now, I think he just was too prideful to get a divorce and too cheap to get her the help she needs.

It's hard to think that I just...don't have real parents. It hurts, even as an adult. Maybe especially so.

Even though I have more resources now than I did as a child, I still feel empty. It's like a hollow in my heart that doesn't fill, just stagnates and aches when I see how other parents love their children so unconditionally.

I wish that someone had told me as a kid (heck, even as a teenager) that abuse can come in many forms, not just physical but emotional. I'm glad I found this forum and I hope I can progress a bit more. It's just...good to not feel alone.

Cheers,
Faramira

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I think what you are feeling is quite common for people in your situation. It can feel like you have been emotionally distanced and alienated from your parents for a long time.

It is all such a shame and so hurtful. Other people really do not understand about narcissistic abuse unless they have been through all this themselves. It can all seem so surreal and bizarre, but it's what you've known all your life.

For many we eventually learn to accept that we cannot change our FOO family of origin, but instead seek out our FOC family of choice. Those are our friends who care about us unconditionally. It's not easy. Some people in our family never turn out to be the people that we expect them to be, no matter how much we love and care about them. We learn that unfortunately they will never change.

I have found the talks on YouTube by the author and counsellor Kris Godinez very helpful. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better. Her YouTube channel is called "We Need to Talk with Kris Godinez".

Other YouTube channels I've found helpful are "Doctor Ramani" and "Surviving Narcissism".

The more we learn the more we can process what has happened to us and how to cope better. There are lots of resources on this forum and other people to help and support you.

Keep calm. Keep strong. Keep posting.

[Starboard Song]

It's hard to think that I just...don't have real parents. It hurts, even as an adult. Maybe especially so.

Even though I have more resources now than I did as a child, I still feel empty. It's like a hollow in my heart that doesn't fill

You are not alone.

Welcome to the community. You are saying something precisely correct, here: that you kind of don't have parents. A lot of folks here come to a realization that they don't want a better relationship with their parents (or whomever), they want better parents (or whatever). That changes things. It isn't an ongoing battle; it is a lost cause. Maybe long ago lost. In any case, since I know folks who find solace in that thought, I figure I should share it with you here, by way of a welcome.

One step at a time: you are going to be fine, and emerge with your outstanding FOC that lights your way.