Celebrating their grandparenthood instead of the actual birthday boy.

[DJR]

Hi Out of the FOG forum members! Long time, no post.

My little boy is having a milestone birthday soon. I've organised a party, it is going to be fun.

But now we're also hosting my husband's parents for dinner the night before. The reason is so they can give him their gift early and because they've been feeling left out.

It took me a while to delve into why this made me feel exasperated. It is because everyone else is happy to wait until the party to celebrate. But somehow we have to hold a seperate private celebration just for them. It feels like we're celebrating their grandparenthood, rather than the actual child himself.

I don't think H's parents have a full-blown PD (someone else in the family does though!) But I do think there is a disordered long-term pattern of attention-seeking and power plays.  Most of the time I use grey rock to keep under the radar. I'm just going along with the dinner at this point. It's not worth the grief to object.

Give me strength! And your advice or observations are welcome ☺

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hmm... unless it's a first birthday, I predict the grandparents' present will get overshadowed by the gifts received after theirs. Cue pouting. 

I can see why this setup would make you exasperated. You have stuff to do to get ready for the party, but you are catering to these demanding people instead. But on the positive side, if they have their own thing they don't have to intrude on the real party, right? My uPD parents and uPD in-laws always viewed each other as competition, so I can relate to some of this drama. It was extremely rare for them to be together. The mutual dislike was no secret but of course never spoken of. My uPDILs in particular always had to have their own "special time." It was completely taken for granted that they were the "special grandparents." I preferred somewhat to entertain them alone because they embarrassed the heck out of me in front of our friends. Until I realized I don't have to deal with these people at all! 

How do you want to handle this dynamic going forward? Sounds like the individual entertainment is not working for you. Even if you decide to roll with it this time you are not obligated to continue to do so. You don't mention where your DH is on this. But with my DH, when I came Out of the FOG with regard to his parents, having real evidence of "Your mother said x to me, she directly contradicted an instruction to our child on this matter," very specific. I wasn't simply reacting emotionally. One visit of taking notes was enough to illustrate many patterns over our ten-year marriage. Just observing all that gave me confidence with what to do going forward, even if he didn't see what I saw for some time after.

[DJR]

Ha! They also will attend the party proper, as well as having their own private party the night before.

Anyway, its done and dusted now.....until next time...