Being More Assertive with Responses

[Rst1024]

I would love some advice on how to respond when my mother-in-law makes statements that sound like orders and very matter of fact instead of making a request or asking a question  - specific examples would be great!  I don't let her order us around but feel such resentment not being more direct and assertive with her.

Some things she'll say:

"I was hoping to see the kids tomorrow.  Your place or ours?"  (She just assumes we're available.  This was for Superbowl Sunday, we already had plans the entire day, including church in the morning and then cleaning our house for a Superbowl party)

"We'll take the kids next weekend.  We'll pick them up at 5:00 on Friday and bring them back Sunday afternoon."  (Sounds so matter of fact to me, she's not asking our permission to take the children, sounds like she's just telling us what to do)

"As you might already know, we won't be in town for Christmas.  Therefore, we would like to plan to celebrate December 18th in the afternoon and would like you to bring the entire family over to our house.   (We had already invited them to our house for Christmas and were waiting for a response back.  We have 6 children including several that take afternoon naps, I won't go over to her house because of how much she orders us around there and am fine with having them over to celebrate Christmas but it feels like she just assumes were available on a certain day instead of checking on what would work for us.)

Any advice you would have for me is appreciated!

[square]

I've been working on this too!!

Here are my ifeas for you.

- Matter of factly tell her what works for YOU. "We have plans today, but next Sunday might work."

- Tell her you'll discuss it with your spouse / check your calendar / think about it and get back to her. Tell her that even if the answer is yes, just to assert hour power to decide. Say it even if there is pressure to decide NOW, like she's coming over in 10 minutes - you'll call her back and let her know. (Or just say no).

- Tell her "that's an interesting idea for next year maybe, but we haven't changed our plans for this Christmas. Will you be coming?"

- Say "that doesn't work for us" and suggest something else or just say "maybe next time." Refuse to justify why it doesn't work, if she demands to know your plans just repeat "it just won't work" and redirect again to future possibilities.

[Srcyu]

I was hoping to have the kids tomorrow .....
" Were you? That's nice but it can't happen because "(add your own blah blah)

We'll take the kids next weekend ......
"Take them where? We are spending the weekend altogether."

As you might already know .....
"No, we can't manage that. We need to discuss something better for all the children."

She feels very confident in her position as matriarch. She assumes you will be grateful when she decides to have the children. She never, ever stops to think that you want a home life without her involvement in it. She believes herself to be queen bee. When she wants to gather your children all around her she just expects you to comply. It doesn't even enter her head that you might not wish to.

[Cat of the Canals]

Agree with everything said above. For simplicity's sake, the two I'd have locked and loaded for myself would be:

For anything that disrupts my plans or is just a Hard No: "That won't work for us, maybe another time."
For everything else: "I'll have to check our schedule and get back to you."

And good on you for having such firm boundaries already in place for you and your family!

[bloomie]

Rst1024 - Empowerment is not = to being rude. I believed that for a long time... I had been groomed to believe that not allowing those who are like steam rollers in their forward motion and determination to have their way was mean, disrespectful, and rude.

I now know it is imperative that I stand calmly and with grace and develop savvy communication skills and drop the false sense of ick that can creep over me when I say no, disappoint someone, or when I allow myself to be over powered and give in. I had to get comfortable with being uncomfortable with certain family members and situations. I would find myself resenting them for being, well them. This is how my own mil does life.

So, if I have had to learn to choose to be powerful, respectful, grounded, and firm when something doesn't work for our family. I give where I can and kindly use the phrases others have already mentioned. I would add that I very rarely give an excuse other than if we are going to be out of town, because that just gives her something to argue against and to solve for me so she can have her way. Regular people, I can soften a no with a reason if I decide to, but not with entitled, determined, boundary busting in laws.

The crunch is that you have your own life, priorities, and activities and it means that there will be times when your mil misses out and even if you wanted to you can't accommodate her wants. That is the normal progression of life. It isn't her turn anymore. She is not the momma. Her priorities are not your responsibility.

I am a grandma and spending time with my littles is a privilege, not a right.  I cultivate those relationships very intentionally and carefully. Your mil may never adjust and may push back against your kindly worded 'no' as mine has.  You will handle that as it comes.

It is not easy to firm up the boundaries, but you are wise and strong and not alone! You've got this!

[Leonor]

Hello, and good for you for considering firm ways to respond to your mil.

I like the above examples very much.

I'm also a big fan of "Let me check" because it gives me a chance to breathe and think rather than my default fawn: "Well, okay I guess" or fight: "Over my dead body, lady!" reactions.

A helpful tip; keep the 2or 3 you like best and write them down on a 3x5 index card. Keep the card with your phone. Sometimes in the surprise or upset of the moment it's hard to remember what you wanted to say or to be afraid to say no. Reading the card is a big help while you find your sea legs around mil!

[NarcKiddo]

I agree with what the others have said.

Also, I would suggest you think carefully about why you resent not being direct and assertive and what being direct and assertive looks like to you. Then consider how that might play out if you were to do it to her. I say this because I get the feeling from your post (and I could well be misunderstanding) that you would like to be assertive in a way that clearly lets her know she is overstepping your boundary and that you do not like it. There is nothing wrong with doing that BUT in my experience locking horns directly with a PD can escalate and be very emotionally exhausting. That may be worth it for certain situations but possibly not for a situation which crops up often, such as "I will take the kids at the weekend." For that sort of thing I usually find that an outright "sorry, we have something else in the diary" or "I think we may have something that clashes with that, let me check and get back to you" is easier. If pushed to make an instant decision because the PD claims a need to plan something on the back of it I will always say "in that case I have to say no, because I am pretty sure something clashes and I don't want to disrupt your plans later".

An absolute fall back of "let me check and get back to you" is easy to remember and as has been pointed out already gives you time to think and then steer the situation in the way you want it to go.

Also, I don't know what ages your kids are but at some point there will come a time when they will have their own thoughts about plans and will not necessarily want her wading in to pick them up like parcels. So getting her used to the message that there is never a yes response to a demand is probably good.

[Cat of the Canals]

Also, I would suggest you think carefully about why you resent not being direct and assertive and what being direct and assertive looks like to you. Then consider how that might play out if you were to do it to her. I say this because I get the feeling from your post (and I could well be misunderstanding) that you would like to be assertive in a way that clearly lets her know she is overstepping your boundary and that you do not like it. There is nothing wrong with doing that BUT in my experience locking horns directly with a PD can escalate and be very emotionally exhausting.

This is something I struggle with a LOT. I was raised to be deeply codependent, and I have a sneaking suspicion I'm going to spend the rest of my life learning how to undo that. This leads to me wanting desperately to show my Shiny! New! Assertiveness!

So I get a very strong urge to call out my PDmil when she oversteps a boundary (or tries to) or behaves badly. The thing is, I've seen how she handles conflict. She loves it! She brags often about how something she did got under someone's skin. The last thing I want is for her to see me as a source for this kind of supply. So Medium Chill and Grey Rock it is.

Thanks, NarcKiddo, for the reminder that sometimes the smartest path feels like taking a step backward, but that isn't necessarily so.

[Nomoreblind]

Hi.

Ask yourself why being assertive is hard.  Ask yourself why can someone make decisions on my behalf without my prior consent on the way I should spend my weekends, holidays or when my kids can be with me or not.

For some of us (me included, recovering people pleaser, it's an ongoing learning/healing path) at the beginning of our relationships we are so willing to please, seek validation that we say yes, even when we actually feel uneasy about the yes. We say yes, because no is uncomfortable.  We say yes, because in our education, compliance is praised and saying no means we are being selfish.  We say yes, even if saying yes means we have to forgo the few hours of rest in a whole week we've been looking forward to, so as to spend some quality time with our family.  The discomfort of no, makes us uneasy and we say yes to other people's demands.  We become their puppets.  Our needs, plans and priorities don't matter, other people's priorities and plans become more important. This is something my MIL made me realise about myself.  People who cross that line, know or ignore we are uncomfortable with saying no. 

It becomes easier when we realise that we have limited energy, we have children to care for,  saying yes to everyone else, means we are ignoring our own needs, self-care, resting time and priorities. It makes us build resentment and frustration.  We burn out, because we get exhausted and become frustrated with our immediate family members. This is not a joyful place to be. It's toxic to our health. 

If MIL has a personality disorder, she may potentially not change her ways. If you accept that as a reality, it may potentially make your life easier.  It's tough to accept, it took me years. You are not going to try to change her, assuming it's not our life purpose to change others.  She may always try to push boundaries you put in place, just like toddlers or young children tepeating themselves 10 times when you've said no, in the hope that you will cave in .  Don't play tick for tack or revenge.  It's a hamster wheel/mine field/ fight or flight abnormal exhausting state of mind.  If she makes plans, and you have your own ones, don't get into too much details, like others have said just say "oh, it doesn't work for me this time. I've made other plans. Next time, don't hesitate to check with me in advance. Thanks in advance for your understanding." Brief, polite concise, repeat as many times as needed with no further justification on how you wish to spend your time as an adult.  You are not counting on her to change or your husband to support you on that, you are standing tall and taking the space you deserve as a wife and mother of your children.  You are the captain of that ship and you've calmly communicated that. We can't change others we can only work on ourselves.  If she is one of those who triangulates through her son, that is your husband, gently and politely call her and say " hello, I hope you are alright. Oh it's just a quick call as I'm quite hectic right now, I understand you want told H you want to do xyz.  I have other plans for that day.  Let me know in advance for next time.  Thanks we'll catch up later." 

Little back ground story, when my only child turned one, MIL wanted to decide where and how I will celebrate her birthday.  She and SIL genuinely thought it was their decision to make. At some later point, SIL actually reproached me about my choice. I exploded big time.  My H has never had that sort of strength to stand up to them.  I had to do it for myself.  No knight in shining armour coming to save us from life. This sort of action continued for a few years prior to Covid, MIL is old and ill now. I no longer have resentment, this is recent. Prayers and forgiveness have helped me feel more peaceful.  This was my life lesson to teach me that I need to get comfortable saying no, not just with family members, but in other areas of life as well,  knowing that my intention is not to hurt others, but to preserve my energy by not splitting myself thin to please everyone and prioritising my priorities and that of my family of choice. 

Goodluck and take care. 

[Rst1024]

Thank you!  These are all great ideas. 

I've been working on this too!!

Here are my ifeas for you.

- Matter of factly tell her what works for YOU. "We have plans today, but next Sunday might work."

- Tell her you'll discuss it with your spouse / check your calendar / think about it and get back to her. Tell her that even if the answer is yes, just to assert hour power to decide. Say it even if there is pressure to decide NOW, like she's coming over in 10 minutes - you'll call her back and let her know. (Or just say no).

- Tell her "that's an interesting idea for next year maybe, but we haven't changed our plans for this Christmas. Will you be coming?"

- Say "that doesn't work for us" and suggest something else or just say "maybe next time." Refuse to justify why it doesn't work, if she demands to know your plans just repeat "it just won't work" and redirect again to future possibilities.

[Rst1024]

Love these examples!  Yes, she definitely speaks from the position of being the matriarch and queen bee, although she's been trying to order us around for years and she usually gets a no...so you would think she would change her strategy but no!  This gets under my skin so much and I think why I feel so resentful.  She acts like she's always doing us a huge favor and everything is said in a patronizing way like she's above everyone.  Very self-important.  She's not asking to have the kids over, she's "doing us a favor" by having them over.

I was hoping to have the kids tomorrow .....
" Were you? That's nice but it can't happen because "(add your own blah blah)

We'll take the kids next weekend ......
"Take them where? We are spending the weekend altogether."

As you might already know .....
"No, we can't manage that. We need to discuss something better for all the children."

She feels very confident in her position as matriarch. She assumes you will be grateful when she decides to have the children. She never, ever stops to think that you want a home life without her involvement in it. She believes herself to be queen bee. When she wants to gather your children all around her she just expects you to comply. It doesn't even enter her head that you might not wish to.

[Rst1024]

Thank you!  I love the idea of having stock responses because it's hard to think of a response in the moment and this has worked for me before. 

Agree with everything said above. For simplicity's sake, the two I'd have locked and loaded for myself would be:

For anything that disrupts my plans or is just a Hard No: "That won't work for us, maybe another time."
For everything else: "I'll have to check our schedule and get back to you."

And good on you for having such firm boundaries already in place for you and your family!

[Rst1024]

Thank you!  Love the idea of having stock responses - this has worked for me before.  "Let me check" is perfect to give me time to think. 

Hello, and good for you for considering firm ways to respond to your mil.

I like the above examples very much.

I'm also a big fan of "Let me check" because it gives me a chance to breathe and think rather than my default fawn: "Well, okay I guess" or fight: "Over my dead body, lady!" reactions.

A helpful tip; keep the 2or 3 you like best and write them down on a 3x5 index card. Keep the card with your phone. Sometimes in the surprise or upset of the moment it's hard to remember what you wanted to say or to be afraid to say no. Reading the card is a big help while you find your sea legs around mil!

[Rst1024]

Thank you!  Yes, even though I do say no, I always feel guilty, inferior or like she's "winning" because she still gets away with the comment even if I say no.  I'm not calling her out on the comment so it still feels like she's steamrolling over me. 

Rst1024 - Empowerment is not = to being rude. I believed that for a long time... I had been groomed to believe that not allowing those who are like steam rollers in their forward motion and determination to have their way was mean, disrespectful, and rude.

I now know it is imperative that I stand calmly and with grace and develop savvy communication skills and drop the false sense of ick that can creep over me when I say no, disappoint someone, or when I allow myself to be over powered and give in. I had to get comfortable with being uncomfortable with certain family members and situations. I would find myself resenting them for being, well them. This is how my own mil does life.

So, if I have had to learn to choose to be powerful, respectful, grounded, and firm when something doesn't work for our family. I give where I can and kindly use the phrases others have already mentioned. I would add that I very rarely give an excuse other than if we are going to be out of town, because that just gives her something to argue against and to solve for me so she can have her way. Regular people, I can soften a no with a reason if I decide to, but not with entitled, determined, boundary busting in laws.

The crunch is that you have your own life, priorities, and activities and it means that there will be times when your mil misses out and even if you wanted to you can't accommodate her wants. That is the normal progression of life. It isn't her turn anymore. She is not the momma. Her priorities are not your responsibility.

I am a grandma and spending time with my littles is a privilege, not a right.  I cultivate those relationships very intentionally and carefully. Your mil may never adjust and may push back against your kindly worded 'no' as mine has.  You will handle that as it comes.

It is not easy to firm up the boundaries, but you are wise and strong and not alone! You've got this!

[lkdrymom]

I wish you ASKED me sooner because that doesn't work for us.