Feel Suicidal and NP partner still says he’s worse off than me!

[Solitaire73]

I am very very low. My elderly parent has dementia and I am her main carer. I work full time in a demanding job and do everything at home and I mean everything. NP partner has always been difficult but even more so since my adult daughter managed to get herself a good job (earning more than me or my partner ever will but he doesn't know that) things are so bad, that I've contemplated Suicide. My partner wore me down so much this weekend that I told him how I felt. Initially he showed shock and some concern. However today he is saying he feels much worse than I ever could (his life is abreeze by comparison) and almost seems jealous of my being so low. It took a lot to finally say how I feel and now I feel so selfish and horrible. How do they always turn it back on them??

[openskyblue]

Wow! that really sound overwhelming. Caring for anyone with dementia is draining and unpredictable and can feel utterly unrelenting. I'm not quite sure how you are caring for your mom and working fulltime, but I can only imagine how exhausting this must be for you.

When I read that you felt suicidal, that made me concerned for you. Are you feeling like you need help immediately? Can you talk to someone? Below are some emergency resources, just in case you are really feeling on your last nerve and want to talk:
https://outofthefog.website/emergency/

Please vent here as much as you want to!  There are plenty of us taking care of family members with dementia -- and there may just be someone here who has some ideas on how to get you some relief/help with your mom. I know that's just part of the puzzle, but every little piece...

Hang in there.   

[1footouttadefog]

That is a lot to deal with.  How typical for a narcissist to compete as to whom is more down and depressed. Anything for attention.

I am sorry your condition and feelings were not validated. 

I hope you can find a way to lift your self emotionally and to reduce your burden.

When my MIL was living with us in her final life stage, we were told that medicare can cover something called diversion. As I understood it, it was a caretaker coming in to relieve the primary caregiver.  Additionally medicare can also under some circumstances cover someone coming by do bath, dress and etc couple times a week. 

Hospitals have case workers who know all about what is available.

If for any reason she needs hospitalized, for three days or more, if a doctor determines she would benefit from physical therapy she could enter a recap for 20 days at full coverage.  My mother in law took advantage of this when caretaking her twin sister. They were both in upper 80's and she was drained.  We took her away for a few days for a break, when the sister was sent to rehab following a hospital stay.

Dementia is tough, a person close to you is not available to support you as you take on the added tasks and emotional loads, despite being right there.

I was caretaker for an elderly friend who became quite dementiad..  Sad.  Now I have fears my spouse is starting to have signs.

[guitarman]

I care for my elderly mother who is diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and I have a uBPD/uNPD sister.

I know how stressful caring for someone diagnosed with dementia can be. It can be exhausting both physically and mentally. The worrying never stops.

I get no help from my sister. She only criticises me. I can do nothing right according to her.

When our mother was seriously ill in hospital recently my sister never visited her. She even called the hospital when our mother was gravely ill in Resus and she talked to me telling me all about HER illnesses and that no one cares about HER!

Whenever someone else is ill in the family my sister always turns things around to say how ill she is. She offers no sympathy, support or understanding. I realise now that she just can't do it so I don't expect it any more.

If I am feeling depressed or stressed out I never call my sister for support. She would only make me feel so much worse.

Please get help from dementia carers organisations. You could go along to carers groups and meet others in a similar situation. It's good to share and confide in others. I get the best support from other carers. We have quite a laugh together which is so important.

I hope you are able to get professional carers to visit your parent. Maybe they can go to a care home or nursing home for respite if you can arrange it.

You are not alone. Keep posting and sharing.

Best wishes

guitarman X

[notrightinthehead]

Just wanted to send you a big hug!
Don't be discouraged from reaching our for help. You just asked the wrong person. Your partner seems not to be able to give you support and help. Reach out to the resources given in the posts above. Reach out to services, hotlines, friends, anybody. You need help and deserve to receive help.

[coyote]

Solitaire,
I really can't offer more than the excellent feedback others have given here. I just wanted you to know that we are all here for you. You can vent here any time you need. Wishing you peace and strength.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome. Thankful you reached out for support. Caring for an elderly parent with dementia, working full time, and having a PD partner is an awful lot to hold up under and can be so incredibly isolating. Anyone would be spent and exhausted.

I wanted to offer a couple of important links and encourage you to reach out to a therapist, pastor, spiritual advisor, group of friends, local senior services, all of the things... to get a team around you to support you and your mom as you care for her and handle the demands of your life in this very tough season.

We can and will support you as you share on the boards and at the same time the level of in real life support you need is beyond what we can offer here and I strongly encourage you to also reach out and begin to gather a team around you to help you relieve the intense pressure you must be experiencing trying to manage this.

Find people who understand and do support you. That is not your partner at this point. That hurts, that is very sad, and that is reality. You need people who get it and who will not be competing with you around the rigors and difficulties of life to walk through this time with.

Here is a link to resources for those of us who are carers for our elderly loved ones: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=68854.0

Here is a link to resources to those who are needing someone to talk and may be feeling desperate: https://outofthefog.website/emergency

A great local resource in many communities that includes care giver support groups and a myriad other free and low cost services is here: http://www.councilonaging.com

Keep coming back and sharing on the boards as you are able. It really helps lighten a heavy load!

[1footouttadefog]

We mostly focused on the caretaking of the parent.

I also realize that sometimes it's the relationship with our significant that creates a great deal of emotional burden disproportionate to the other tasks and challenges in our life.

When I was in the midst of several major life changes all at once it was the issues with my spouse that relate to his personality disorder that were the straw that tried to break this camel's back.

It was that one bit more than I was able to handle in so many ways.

Please spend some time in the tool box portion of this site.  There are things you might be able to do to take back some power and set boundaries with the SO in your life that may reduce your overall load with the things  you cannot change.

Seek help and support in real life as well.  For me breaking out of a cycle of being in isolation was a healthy first step.  Going out with friends once a week to trade gripes helped a lot.  Getting perspectives from others was useful , encouraging and made mefeel less cut off from the world.  These external inputs contrasted with the negative and gas lighted messages from my spouse which was healthy.