Bitterness and part of an UNSENT letter TW Sex and Abuse

[OddSunflower]

I apologize for a long post.

I have been carrying around a level of bitterness that was seeping out into everything I did, said and thought. I knew it was time to address it, as the C-PTSD was showing up more and more in spite of being on a high dose of SSRI and doing meditation...I couldn't find a way to get these things out. I am NC with my hoovering inlaws. My uNPDmil terrifies me just at the thought of her. My NPDfil is just a second away from getting a restraining order from me. I can barely go in public anymore. I resent them so much that everything my kids do that I do not like, just reminds me of them.
Yesterday, I sat down with pen and paper. I wrote them each two letters. You see, I learned a few weeks ago about a technique where the scared inner child can write a letter by using a pencil or crayon and your non-dominant hand. First, I wrote one from the me that sits here today. I spoke of my own sadness. I did not name-call or accuse. I used "I statements" and poured my own hurt onto the page. Then...then I wrote to them from the child inside me. I have known them since I was barely a teen. They have been a part of my life as I transitioned to adulthood. They knew the "kid" I was before I was a woman. I folded those letters. I put them in envelopes and addressed them formally. Then I put them all in a large envelope and mailed them to myself. I had no intention of sending them to my inlaws. We are NC afterall. When they come back to me. I will open them and read them again. Then I will burn them.
I feel better today that I was able to say these things. I did not have to put any of these thoughts on my DH. He is struggling right now with his alcoholism and I am grey rocking him anyway. I have such venomous hate for them.  I needed to let it go.
One of the childhood letters went like this-
I was wanting a father so badly. There were things that a girl needs a Daddy for. I had been lost and "fathered" by so many men in the years before I met you that I didn't have a lot of trust for men in general. You seemed so different. Like you actually cared about the young girl that I was. That you would help me to find value in myself and make me stop the cycle I had fallen into. Instead, you told your son that you thought I had a great body and that he was lucky to bed something as hot as me. I was 14. You sexualized a 14 year old and encouraged your adult son to do the same. You never protected me from him. When he raised his voice at me, you told me to just be quiet. When he hit me, you said that I "must have deserved it". You taught him to replace guilt with gifts. I only learned to take more so I could get more things. Eventually, he would feel guilty and buy me something or take me somewhere. You were the same. Remember that time that we went on vacation (because we could not vacation without you. Ever.) and we went off the plans for an hour drive to somewhere I had been asking to go FOR YEARS...I was so excited. I took pictures with you and thanked you until I couldn't thank you any more. The rest of the trip? I heard about how I had gotten us off-schedule because I was needy and demanding. I never told you another thing I wanted after that...
The last 6 months have been miserable. I hate myself. I hate looking over my shoulder. I live in fear. My kids live in fear.
I am hoping when I burn these letters that I can let these things go to ashes. I will not be there when you die. I will not tell you thank you or sorry ever again. I will not tell your son that I am sorry you have died. I wish you all the happiness you offered me.

Thank you all for listening. I am applying things I have learned here every day. I am trying. Sometimes the years of sadness catch up with me and I come here looking for experience and hope.

[bloomie]

OddSunflower - I can sense deep pain in your post and my sincere hope for you is that you will find release and healing in these "unsent" letters that you have mailed to yourself and will be destroying. I am just so sorry for all that you have been through and grateful you are taking important steps to heal and move forward in your life.