Hi!

[Love]

Hi!  I have been absent from this board for some time.  This board has helped me through very difficult times.  I want to thank everyone on here who takes the time to read and respond to the posts.

A little background on my story is that my FOC had been NC with my inlaws for about 6 years.  My MIL was incredibly, and I guess still is, enmeshed with her daughters, and at one time my husband.  For all of you going through the valley that is an enmeshed, narc inlaw family, it can get better.  That doesn't mean it always does but I am very thankful for the strength my DIL showed through this and continues to show.

Anyway, during the pandemic, I had a breakthrough, which is to say I believe God changed my heart and after so many years thinking I forgave my N-Inlaws, I actually forgave them.  I did not believe they could hurt me or my family anymore, and for the most part that is still true today. 

So my DH and I met them.  They were thankful of course and well behaved.  My Dh has said many times "my parents haven't changed but they have learned to behave".  He is very right, and him knowing that comforts me.  After meeting with them, the inlaws have proceeded to call Dh.  They have an open line of communication, and it is ok. 

What I mean by ok is - surface-level conversation.  My inlaws have NEVER apologized.  On occasions, they have said they are "sorry for stuff".  This general apology is not an apology and no apology they ever did give, even genuine would make up for what they did.  The inlaws endlessly talk about the difficulties in their life, which are trivial.  They basically always talk about themselves and the things that matter to them.  I would say they never ask about us, their son, or their grandchildren.  It is sad but it is who they are. 

The reason I wanted to write today is about somethings I am noticing and perhaps some advice about how to navigate this relationship, which is really a pretend or non-exsistant relationship, but I do think my DIL feels better being able to hold a conversation with them - or rather listen to them, and be polite.

In the 6 years, we did not talk to DIL parents, their family exploded and imploded.  Everything our therapist said would happen did.  DIL's sisters divorced, to appease the inlaws.  The facade of a perfect family was gone and my MIL was left exposed.  I do think this brought her down a peg, but it did not humble her, and she did not gain empathy, The only person MIL feels bad for is MIL. 

So anyway throughout the conversations DIL is having with his mom and dad there seems to be a lot of emotional dumping.  My inlaws dump a ton of guilt, and sadness on my DIL in the hope he will go rescue them.  Even though DIL does not run to the rescue as he used to, this does take a toll on him.  DIL becomes defensive of his parent's positions, he becomes a bit on edge.  I do understand it because it is a lot to handle when your parents just consistently tell you how miserable their life is.  Is there any way he can kindly and appropriately stop this from happening so often?  Is there something DIL can do to not allow this conversation or dumping to continue?

Another thing that MIL did was ask to have our kid's cell phone numbers after she had sent them birthday money.  We are under no allusion that gifts from narcinlaws mean strings attached.  We did not and will not give them cell numbers, but I believe DIL just alluded the question and just kind of ghosted them about it.  Should we be more direct and say "No"?  How to we handle this again by being respectful and having respectful boundaries for our FOC?  Is it even possible?

DIL and I are in no FOG - we know that another blow up on their side could be just around the corner.  We know they are dangerous.  THEY are VERY VERY dangerous, they always have been, in the sense that they care for no one but their own survival and ego. 

So you may ask why are we in communication with them.  It is not a short answer.  We did take time to heal.  We did seek professional help.  Then we took even more time and built our family.  My Dil will just as quickly cut off communication if they cross him or us.  But both DIL and I believe in trying to live at peace with people.  His parents will not be a big part of our life, but even in the small space, we give them they still do some pretty harmful stuff even if it just affects us for a small amount of time.

I do not know if there is an answer when you deal with people like this.  However, my goal is to be truthful, and kind.  Does anyone have experience with this? 

[all4peace]

Welcome back, Love!

To clarify, when you use "DIL" are you referring to your husband?

I want to simply observe that we all have different journeys, some with a lot in common with other's journeys, some that turn in a different direction. I am hearing a lot of acceptance and peace in your voice, and if I'm hearing that accurately then I am glad for you. Many on this board choose some level of contact with others who have hurt them. I think part of us learning to be healthy and mature adults is to find the space that reflects our values and growth. I'm glad for you